November 16, 2009

Hold It!

Raise your hand if when you sneeze, you also pee yourself a little. Don't be shy. It happens. Guys included. This convulsive expulsion bursts out at over 47 mph (or 75 km). At that speed, if you didn't release a little pee, you might spurt around the room like a balloon. Conservatively, at least 33.3% of all females who sneeze—or cough or laugh or do aerobics or, my favorite, jump on trampolines—leak a tad. Dude, party's over.

FYI Kegelmeisters, your beloved kegel can only do so much. I personally perfected the Squeeze-n-Sneeze. Cross your knees, brace yourself, and then ACHOO! But everybody knows what you're doing, right? Don't answer that.

Recently I went to a doc for a urodynamics test. This is THE worst test you can undergo ever. EVER. One word, people: cath (short for catheter, which can no longer be uttered in my presence without me shriveling up and whimpering in a corner). You get a cath up the old U-ha and suddenly you're in your tech's face spitting: "Kill me now, or get that mo-fo outta me before I kill you." I mean, I'm just guessing. Ahem, as a result of that torture, my doc decided I was a candidate for the bladder sling. He said, "Why don't you try a pessary first, though, before we go the surgical route?" And I thought he was my advocate.

See, a pessary is a flat, circular, spacecraft-hard plastic device about two inches in diameter, with holes. Think giant white button, circa 1950. Think Frisbee inside your tummy control pantyhose. Think flying saucer embedded inside the Holland Tunnel. A pessary sits horizontally inside the hoo-ha. Its position keeps the urethra in place so you don't leak when you sneeze. Sounds like a reasonable solution, right? Except for a little thing called logistics.

Issue One: blind installation. It’s not like you’ve got a telescope that sees around corners.
Issue Two: we’re talkin’ deep into the jungle, people. Remember when you lost your earring down the drain? Did sticking your fingers down into that little hole really work? Could you have used a Nifty Nabber for gripping that sucker?
Issue Three: navigating tender vajajay tissue with fingernails, especially acrylics. Does this really need explanation?

After only 48 hours, I tossed my pessary into a drawer.

TG texted me two weeks later: Hey, what's that thing that looks like a button in your room?
Me: No clue.
TG: Kids are playing with it.
Me: Still don't know.
TG: They're tossing it around like it's a Frisbee.
Me: Nope, don't have a—wait, looks like a little disc, with holes? White? Hard plastic?
TG: Yeah.
Me: You don't want to know what that is.
TG: Destructo had it in his mouth.
Me: Um, how about those Cowboys?

I knew then what I had to do. To protect the nanababies from future trauma--the kind that can only come from their mom telling all their friends that they once chewed on a Feminine Frisbee, I signed up for the bladder sling. That's what I've been up to the last week and why I haven’t blogged. When I heal in six weeks, I'll let you know if the Squeeze-n-Sneeze will be part of my repertoire ever again. The Feminine Frisbee will not.
.

51 comments:

daisyfae said...

great. laughed so hard i may need my own frisbee.... i thought launching a spring-loaded diaphragm across the bathroom into the wall was bad...

take care of yourself! rest up and no heavy lifting!

Kristina P. said...

I love how open and honest you are. I wish your bladder well.

Bella said...

I wondered what happened to ya. Glad you're okay. I do QA on twats and whatnots all day anymore it seems with this urology client, ick, here's wishing you a fast recovery.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Holy shit that is funny! The sling is not, but that is!! Let me know how it works...not having a uterus for my bladder to sit on, when I make a sudden move, I leak.

Secretia said...

I hope you get the best results from the sling, it should work. Yes, I believe a third of all women have some problem in that department.

Much success! Secretia

Snappy Di said...

Hmmm, guess I'll have to google it and see just what this sling thing is. Wondered where you had gone to.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Pearl said...

Take care of yourself -- have wondered where you've been.

Pearl

otin said...

I have never peed myself by accident! On occasion I like to.... oh never mind! LOL!!!!

Under the Influence said...

Man, I think I need your surgeons name!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I'm gonna need that soon. Stringing up the old bladder. Who would have thought it would come to that?

foxy said...

What the freakin HELL with the white frisbee? Sounds like DEFINITE TORTURE. Hope this next thing is nicer to your hooha (that private one of course).

creative kerfuffle said...

oh lord. oddly enough the girl and i heard a horrible, horrible ad on the radio about some surgery that prevents your female junk from falling flat out. holy crap. the djs were talking about it--your uterus, cervix, anus and other organs can just flat fall out of your hoo-ha if you have this prolapses vajayjay. omg. and one of the symptoms (aside from pain) is the tinkling when sneezing.

rxBambi said...

That is so funny, and so true. I've been doing the squeeze and sneeze for a few years. I knew it was stress incontinence but I decided to try Vesicare (normally for over-active bladder - which I don't have) and it's actually working for me. I will keep in mind about the feminine frisbee tho (and not let kids chew on it).
Good luck with the sling, hope you're feeling better soon!

Gaelyn said...

OMG! Excuse me, I have to go change my pants.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

And I thought I was the only one. Hope you're back at it soon.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Poor kid...feminine frisbee in the mouth...he'll be scarred for life once the realization hits!

I hope the sling works out better for you. It still sounds painful but much better than the frisbee.

tattytiara said...

Stopped by via Otin, great blog. May all your sneezes be breezes with nary a drop from your heavens.

Violet said...

"Urodynamics" sounds deceptively sexy...

Happy healing. :)

smiles4u said...

LOL! Oh goodness, I don't mean to laugh like this but it sure is great when you hear your not alone in things like this. I hope your feeling better and that this works for you! XXOO

Jason, as himself said...

OMG stop it right now! THIS POST made me pee a little.

I hope your procedure solves your little issue.

By the way, I don't pee when I sneeze but after I pee a little bit always dribbles no matter what I do. As Stephen King put it, "No matter how much you jump an dance, the last few drops go in your pants."

Welcome back!

I just read Bella's comment about "twats and whatnots"! I just peed a little again!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, you poor thing! I've been incubating a blog post for a while about how no matter how crappy your day is, if your plumbing works with no problem, then you don't have a complaint on earth.

Happy healing and I hope the sling does the trick!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I know a few women who have had this done. I heard .... very painful? But two of them had hysterectomies at the same time so I don't know how much pain was caused from which. I hope you heal quickly. Yes, do give us an update so we know if we are ever faced w/the choice if we should go frisbee or sling!

GooseBreeder said...

Oh my gosh!!!Great committment now to the pelvic floor exercises! My hands up and worse!The joys of personhood.
Very best of luck and hope things improve rapidly.

Stacy said...

Oh wow, that was funny shit. I need one of those for how hard I just laughed.

Stacy

staceria.blogspot.com

mo.stoneskin said...

"Destructo had it in his mouth"

Wonderful.

I could see it coming...but it was delightful to read anyway!

Never peed when sneezing. I have, however, sneezed while peeing.

De Campo said...

You need a link for us to help contribute to Destructo’s future therapy.

In other news, I hope you feel better and stop urinating yourself soon.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Ok, I kind of get what the frisbee thing is/does based on your description. But what the hell is a bladder sling? Like a hammock for your bladder? I need details!!

Hallie

Lucia said...

haha, good post. I too experience the sneeze thing but what gets me is when I trip or run sometimes, dribble dribble, so I have invested in TENA. I had the same test as you very embarrassing, Asking me to cough and jump up and down with a full bladder that they pump up with water and then drain, it's awful isn't it. I did it a few years ago of course they advised of the sling but said I was too overweight for the surgery and if I decided to do it to lose some weight. They also said that maybe losing some weight may help it happen less often.

Anonymous said...

In some countries, leaving a small 'courtesy puddle' is considered a fortuitous sign after a hearty public guffaw. Then again, I may have that confused with something else ...

midlife slices said...

My sister has had that procedure done TWICE. Apparently sometimes it doesn't last long enough. Me...I'm still in great shape in the pee n sneeze department but I'll remember that damn Frisbee contraption and just say no!

Hope you're sneezing away puddle free in no time. HUGS

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

please! Ouch!!

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I wanna talk about this. I need this so much...did it hurt, are you in pain now?

How much time off did you have to take?

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

Lordy, the things you learn on the internet!

I never heard of this pessary thingit.

♥ Braja said...

Should we just send you a few packs of Tranquility instead? lol....Jesus I was laughing through this...you're a riot Kimber :) xoxoxo

♥ Braja said...

Wait....Depends, that's it. 6pack on it's way, honey buns :)

♥ Braja said...

Reminds me of the ping pong stripper scene in Priscilla Queen of the Desert....if you haven't seen that movie, GO NOW AND GET IT.

♥ Braja said...

Umm....I think I just posted 4 comments. I am not on coke....

Gaston Studio said...

Yep, all us women have problems in that area in one way or another. Wish your bladder well and that the new thing works.
Get rid of the 'button'! Just saying.

Julie said...

Aw hell, my hand is up and waving proudly!

Kimberly said...

Oh my...my thoughts are with you.

Sherrie said...

Half way through this I was laughing so hard I wished I had taken a potty break first!

Not even sure which route I took to land on your page but glad I did! I`m fairly new to Blogger, I was a MySpacer for a few years so just learning the ropes.

Thanks for the laughs, I`ll be back!

Anonymous said...

I had that done also, best thing I ever did. You wont regret it!!

Jill from NY

The Jules said...

I think you were putting the frisbee in wrong. You have to get a friend to lob it in from across a park, avoiding the collie who'll try and snap it out of the air on route.

Surprised the doc didn't tell you that?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I had a hard time listening to this. As soon as you said "cath-" I went into a cringing LA-LA-LA-I-can't-hear-you thing. So I'm sorry for your loss, or that brownie recipe sounds delish, or good luck with your puppy training, or whatever it was you were saying.

Jeez, talk about ultimate frisbee.

Debbie said...

Bless your heart. And your other parts too.

Madame DeFarge said...

I want to laugh and cry. Glad to have you back. This is a very good reason never to catch a cold. Or grown older. I am looking forward to both.

Rapunzel said...

Wow, even though the subject matter is a bit "delicate" I'm still LMAO! What a great attitude you have about the whole thing, thanks for your honesty about something that, yep, happens to me on occasion as well! Hope the sling works and that you're back on your feet in no time. xoxox

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

OMG, I'm sitting with my mom right now - she just got the bladder sling "installed" after trying that pissery thing, too. What a long, strange trip this has been for her. When she wakes up I'm showing her your blog. She'll love it. Thanks for the chuckles. We need this today.

The Mother said...

Anyone who hasn't had a urodynamics test doesn't know what they're missing. It was the single most intrusive and embarrassing thing I have ever done. And I don't embarrass easily.

I had the bladder sling about 10 years ago. Did they warn you that they wear off????

NeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy said...

Hope you are feeling well. I had a hysterectomy, bladder sling lift, bowel sling lift and perineoplasty(yes, exactly what you think it is) in February and now life is good and I don't pee when I exercise which used to make me really angry. BTW, my husband will tell you the perineoplasty was totally worth it, lol. My surgeon promised to make my hooha 16 years old again, and it appears he was successful. Thanks for following my blog, I'll be watching you too ;-)

Robin said...

This story is as funny as my sister telling me about their dog running through the house with her husband's penis ring and the kids wanting to know what he had....

how'd the sling surgery go? I'm a big ol squeeze and peer and have thought about approaching my Dr about it.... but I'd have to get past losing my dear best friends, Maxi Thin Pads.....

; )