Smooooooth

I don't like to shave my legs. Or my armpits. I especially don't like shaving the ol' hoo-ha or the funky curly-Q's stretching for the sunshine beyond my undies. Who even started this silliness? I'm guessing the same guy who made skinny-as-a-wire-hanger the goal for all "beautiful" women more preferable to the buxom image of a healthy farm girl. He must have thought raging monthly hormones and vise-gripping cramps and squeezing a watermelon out a hole the size of a kiwi just wasn't keeping women busy or challenged enough.

Why can't we be like the Europeans -- just this once? Legs like a Clydesdale? Be still my heart! Pits like an orangutan? Yeah, baby, yeah! Crotch like a woolly mammoth? Hubba-hubba-HUBBA!

All this to say, I got this product in the mail. I admit, I love mail that doesn't come from a bill collector, the IRS, or somebody who's already pre-approved me. And it was FREE! The excitement made me recklessly giddy. It's called Smooth Away. Thing is, anything with "smooth" in it has me immediately suspicious. I mean think about it. Smooth sounds good at first, until the after-effects hit:

• With this revolutionary cream, you'll be able to smoooooth away that cellulite.
• That Don Juan over there with all the busty blonde chicks on his arm is one smoooooth player -- but, sweetie, he's looking at YOU!
• This here moonshine will go right down your throat just as smoooooth as you please.
• [Trip over own feet and faceplant for the pleasure of large crowd] Smoooooth move, Grace.
• Or my personal favorite: Your special lubricant for the smooooothest back-door entry you've ever felt. Come on, bend over!

See? Smooth is only smoooooth until it's not.

So things started out ominously. But my Smooth Away package promised: Gently exfoliates while removing hair! Whee! Removes hair instantly and pain free. Wahoo! Discovered in Europe. Yip -- what? But wasn't it Europe who set the standard for Chia legs? Now I'm wondering if that hair-brained shaving idea came from some lazy Parisian artiste who couldn't be bothered to brush all the leg and pit hair of his nekkid models onto the canvas. Sacre bleu! Quelle gauche! Not too fun there, is it, Henri?

Okay, so I tore open the package, pulled out two pink paddles -- one large and one mini-me (which look like rubber house slippers for Hobbits) and microcrystalline pads that adhere to the paddles. My legs were perfectly primed. I hadn't shaved them since 1999, so they would be a real test for efficacy. Directions said buff in small circles right, then left. After my shower, I dutifully did the "wax on, wax off," and it worked.

However, it took me ten times as long to do both legs, crotch to toes. Cool thing is the product came with some good smelling lotion, similar to Bath & Body Works' Plumeria, which is labeled as a hair growth inhibitor moisturizer, and the whole procedure promises that the hair will come back in finer, weaker, and lighter. That last part remains to be seen.

Okay, so weighing the options here: sixty seconds of shaving in the shower, or 10-12 minutes buffing and buffing and buffing and buffing and buffing?

Since I missed some hairs buffing, even though I went over those spots, I'll keep my razor, thank you, much as I hate to shave. However, there were some benefits to Smooth Away. It's great for the upper lip (not saying I needed that), good for travel when water for a razor is scarce, and a decent two-fer when you want to shave AND exfoliate.

Not so good for the hoo-ha, though. Trust me. Stop now, and step away from the va-jay-jay.
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