February 15, 2009

Smooooooth

I don't like to shave my legs. Or my armpits. I especially don't like shaving the ol' hoo-ha or the funky curly-Q's stretching for the sunshine beyond my undies. Who even started this silliness? I'm guessing the same guy who made skinny-as-a-wire-hanger the goal for all "beautiful" women more preferable to the buxom image of a healthy farm girl. He must have thought raging monthly hormones and vise-gripping cramps and squeezing a watermelon out a hole the size of a kiwi just wasn't keeping women busy or challenged enough.

Why can't we be like the Europeans -- just this once? Legs like a Clydesdale? Be still my heart! Pits like an orangutan? Yeah, baby, yeah! Crotch like a woolly mammoth? Hubba-hubba-HUBBA!

All this to say, I got this product in the mail. I admit, I love mail that doesn't come from a bill collector, the IRS, or somebody who's already pre-approved me. And it was FREE! The excitement made me recklessly giddy. It's called Smooth Away. Thing is, anything with "smooth" in it has me immediately suspicious. I mean think about it. Smooth sounds good at first, until the after-effects hit:

  • With this revolutionary cream, you'll be able to smoooooth away that cellulite.
  • That Don Juan over there with all the busty blonde chicks on his arm is one smoooooth player -- but, sweetie, he's looking at YOU!
  • This here moonshine will go right down your throat just as smoooooth as you please.
  • [Trip over own feet and faceplant for the pleasure of large crowd] Smoooooth move, Grace.
  • Or my personal favorite: Your special lubricant for the smooooothest back-door entry you've ever felt. Come on, bend over!
See? Smooth is only smoooooth until it's not.

So things started out ominously. But my Smooth Away package promised: Gently exfoliates while removing hair! Whee! Removes hair instantly and pain free. Wahoo! Discovered in Europe. Yip -- what? But wasn't it Europe who set the standard for Chia legs? Now I'm wondering if that hair-brained shaving idea came from some lazy Parisian artiste who couldn't be bothered to brush all the leg and pit hair of his nekkid models onto the canvas. Sacre bleu! Quelle gauche! Not too fun there, is it, Henri?

Okay, so I tore open the package, pulled out two pink paddles -- one large and one mini-me (which look like rubber house slippers for Hobbits) and microcrystalline pads that adhere to the paddles. My legs were perfectly primed. I hadn't shaved them since 1999, so they would be a real test for efficacy. Directions said buff in small circles right, then left. After my shower, I dutifully did the "wax on, wax off," and it worked.

However, it took me ten times as long to do both legs, crotch to toes. Cool thing is the product came with some good smelling lotion, similar to Bath & Body Works' Plumeria, which is labeled as a hair growth inhibitor moisturizer, and the whole procedure promises that the hair will come back in finer, weaker, and lighter. That last part remains to be seen.

Okay, so weighing the options here: sixty seconds of shaving in the shower, or 10-12 minutes buffing and buffing and buffing and buffing and buffing?

Since I missed some hairs buffing, even though I went over those spots, I'll keep my razor, thank you, much as I hate to shave. However, there were some benefits to Smooth Away. It's great for the upper lip (not saying I needed that), good for travel when water for a razor is scarce, and a decent two-fer when you want to shave AND exfoliate.

Not so good for the hoo-ha, though. Trust me. Stop now, and step away from the va-jay-jay.
.

34 comments:

The Dental Maven said...

Dipilatories from Europe??? That's like lead-free toys from China.

AirmanMom said...

Love this post! I'm off to order my smooth away!

~AM

Kristina P. said...

Awesome! Yeah, I don't love to shave either. And since I go about 2 weeks in the winter without shaving, I might just have to try this.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Wow! Sign me up... lol

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Debbie said...

But is there a chance that buffing might make us loose weight or cellulite? If so, sign me up.

Vic said...

I stared in slack-jawed wonder at those commercials!! I can smooth away!! I'm ordering one. (Love the hobbit slippers line- I'm still laughing :)

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I wanted one of those since I am obsessed with all things As seen On TV : ) Good to know about the lady bits

Frank said...

Oh, the memories… I went to the state agricultural college and I don’t think I saw a shaved leg for four years.

I should forward you the email I got on Valentines that tells me how to hide my bra straps, so you tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do with that!!! I told you, never boring at my house.

Anna Lefler said...

This looks like a sweet alternative to the belt sander I've been using.

Should I wear some kind of goggles?

:^) Anna

Breathe said...

I'm all over that lip thing....

er...

Not that I'D use it, but my cat, she's got these issues with out of control whiskers... Yea, that's it...

smiles4u said...

I wondered if that thing works. If it really takes that long to use it then forget it...I barely have time the way it is.
Thank you for making me laugh tonight!

midlife slices said...

I just looked at this product the other day and thought to myself.....I'll bet that hurts like a mother forker, but from what you say, I must be wrong. Report back on how long it takes to regrow and if it's much longer than normal.....I might try it.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Aigh, yaigh, yaigh. The things we put ourselves thru as women. In my next life, I'm going to be a man or a dog.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Okay....I'm going to have to try a couple of these nifty products.
Look what you've gone and done......as if I have nothing else to do now I have to try these at home :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Jan said...

Beloved saw this on television this weekend and his first words were: "It's sandpaper!"

His second words were: "If you're trying to sell a hair removal system, is it a good idea to announce it's from Europe?"

I'll have to tell him I know someone who tried it and that it actually works. But I'm with you - I haven't shaved since 2001 and as far as I'm concerned, it's one of the privileges of age.

Divine Chaos said...

LOL I've been wondering about the Smooth Away thingies. My gf just bought it yesterday and said it worked, and now you say it works. Yay! I'm gettin it. I hate hate hate to shave, hate it with the white hot firey passion of 1000 burning suns. It takes forever to shave my legs, 'cause they're so damned long. I usually stop at the knees, 'cause that's just how I roll teehee

nothingfancy1 said...

I gave up on having a smooth hoo-hah when I was 13.

nikkicrumpet said...

ROFL...I'm going to head of to work with such a dopey grin on my face..that was just too freaking funny. From start to finish...that post ROCKED!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

You freakin' crack me up!!

Hallie

foxy gal said...

You know, the hub complains about my hairy-ness from time to time, but I don't think it's enough to leave me. Shaving sucks - ESPECIALLY the vajayjay - and I'll only do it when I'm absolutely forced. I truly appreciate your product review because I have been curious... :)

Mary Moore said...

Oh man, if you could see my legs right now...and my crotch.

Giggle Pixie said...

Awesome! Thanks for the review of this product. I love the concept, but I'm all about the "in and out" - this would take way more time than I'd care to spend in the shower. Guess I'll stick to the razor too.

Susie Q said...

You are just too funny...I loved this! You said what I have been saying for years now!!!
And you said it all with such rare wit!

Loved it..thank you for the smile!

Mammatalk said...

Ouch! I'm getting a rash just reading this.

ladyfi said...

Hilarious1 As a Brit who lives in Sweden, I just want you to know that we need the hair on our legs to keep warm during the winter!

KC Mom said...

Oh my gosh, I'm glad I found you today...not your hoohaw...just you!
Straight up...thanks for the product review!

thedomesticfringe said...

This was HYSTERICAL!

It's my first visit to you blog...came from Blah, blah, blah.

I can't believe I'm just finding your blog. I'll be back!

-FringeGirl

dana wyzard said...

I received that in the mail too and they asked me to do an advertisement for it, which I did. I thought the little pink flip flop thing was cute. I was watching television and set the laptop aside and started playing with it.

Since I haven't shaved since June, and since I haven't bathed since then either, I decided to rub, rub, rub the hair away!!

Joe, as he walked into the room, spied my one leg (it was a dead giveaway, since both legs no longer matched. One looking like Sasquatch and the other like....like.....bamboo) And he got "that look" in his eyes, which made me have two choices: Either rub off the hair on my left leg, or look for the gorilla glue and stick the hair BACK on my right leg.

All this trouble and I never even ASKED for it to be sent to me!

Yaya said...

Nikki sent me!

Chia legs...lol!

Becky said...

Thank you for telling it like it is!!! I have wondered and wondered about this product, cause let's face it. I lack in the upkeep of this area of my busy life.

I am keeping the razor!! (and I stay away from the hoo ha anyways!! Believe me..shaving it DON"T help it:)

Nana said...

I think you should have added a video to that post!

Ginger said...

Nikki sent me over to check out your blog. Love it!!!

Bethany said...

I'd been looking at getting one of those since it appeared that the little things worked miracles on the commercial. No sooner was the commercial over then the boyfriend showed up with one. Or so I thought.
Apparently there is a copy cat version called smooooth legs.
I wish I could've known it wasn't the real deal BEFORE attacking my already war-torn legs.
Then again, I was always told red was a lovely color on me...

But anyways, read the package verrrrry carefully because this lovely little follow-up version of the product seems like nothing more then glass powder glued to pink paddles.

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