WTF Wednesday

Since everybody has something going on Wednesday, and I hate to be left out, I decided I was hopping on the bandwagon. Hence, WTF Wednesday. So I was surfing the web and happened upon a site that reprints old (very old) news. For example, the following are actual "articles" from the Carroll County Democrat (1896) and the Tennessee Republican (1889):

1. Misses Josie and Ida McDowell, two of the finest specimens of womanhood at Clarksburg, were in town Tuesday.
2. Jim Hickman is shipping persimmons which look most tempting.
3. Mrs. Y. P. McLemore of the 1st district died last Sunday of consumption. She was about 55 years old and a most estimable lady.
4. Sam Owens is on the sick list.
5. An eagle with a wingspan of 7 feet was killed in the 15th district of Henry County by Mrs. Nannie Thomas. The bird attacked a flock of geese when she killed it with a stick.
6. Frank Patterson, a Negro of Shelbyville sentenced for stealing hogs, later pardoned by Gov. Turney, was arrested for stealing a greater number of hogs.
7. E. T. Gill is improving.
8. CORRECTION: Charley Wilson is very much aggrieved. We credited him with a girl baby at his house. He says that there is no mugwump about him, that all his girls are boys and all of his boys are Republicans . . .

Now because I'm bored, let's take the same 1800's community reportage and give it a 2009 twist. And by reading the following, you swear you will not express hate, disgust, or anything else that might hurt my highly sensitive feelings. You can, however, say WTF?

1. Last Tuesday in Clarksburg, that slutty whoredog at 22220 Skankalicious Lane, nobody's namin' names, flaunted her brand new fakies in front of Josie McDowell's ass-wipe husband, who had apparently never seen boobs. Mrs. McDowell's sister Ida got all up in her bro-in-law's face and whacked him upside the head with the makin'-it-my-business side of an ax. Fo' shizzle.
2. Jimmy Hickman received express delivery of ten kilos of ganja via white, unmarked van. Looks like he got himself a hormone-free organic crop that should turn him a nice profit and still provide leftovers for Mrs. Hickman's On-the Downlow-Carb Brownies.
3. Fifty-five-year-old Yvonne P. McLemore of Westlake died suddenly on Sunday when she rammed her pink Mary Kay Beamer into the Taco Bell. McLemore's daughter's friends' mothers recalled that McLemore had just received her AARP membership and was unable to breathe. They reported she then chugged half a bottle of Cuervo, whined something about life being over, and lamented she might as well eat gorditas.
4. Sam Owens is a dumb, nerdy, sicko perv. In broad daylight and wearing his Windex clean coke-bottle glasses, he peeped inside his nextdoor neighbor Leo Funkenfeller's window while the guy was pumping iron in the nude. It was then that Mr. Owens' lenses reflected a harsh glare into his own kitchen window where his wife was cheerily preparing grilled cheese and avocado sammies. After stomping on his glasses and macing him, she called the police on his sorry ass.
5. While tanning in her back yard, kindergarten teacher Nancy Thomas attacked an endangered American bald eagle with a Louisville Slugger when it strafed Fifi, her beloved pet goose. The startled eagle righted itself with a few Blue Angel maneuvers, choked on Fifi, and dropped her 300 feet into Henry County.
6. After President Bush pardoned Frank "the Ay-rab" Patterson from his five-year home in Gitmo, Frank accidentally boarded the flight to Hamasville. In a cruel twist of fate, his flightmates then waged a small fatwa in his honor and porked him just for being American. (I know, bad!)
7. E. T. Gill is improving but will still be unable to phone home as he is still unable to pay his 300-freakin'-dollar AT&T bill.
8. CORRECTION: Charley Wilson is very much aggrieved. We cited that all four of his ultra-liberal daughters stumped door-to-door for Obama (oh yes, they did); when in fact, they had only stumped him on a daily basis with indecipherable riddles about who was on first and who was on second – Rush, Daddy-O, or neo-mugwumps?

Boy, news has come a long way, baby, hasn't it?
WTF you say? I seem to recall giving you the disclaimer that I was bored. So, I cannot be held responsible for any damage to your psyches.

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