February 25, 2009

WTF Wednesday

Since everybody has something going on Wednesday, and I hate to be left out, I decided I was hopping on the bandwagon. Hence, WTF Wednesday. So I was surfing the web and happened upon a site that reprints old (very old) news. For example, the following are actual "articles" from the Carroll County Democrat (1896) and the Tennessee Republican (1889):

  1. Misses Josie and Ida McDowell, two of the finest specimens of womanhood at Clarksburg, were in town Tuesday.
  2. Jim Hickman is shipping persimmons which look most tempting.
  3. Mrs. Y. P. McLemore of the 1st district died last Sunday of consumption. She was about 55 years old and a most estimable lady.
  4. Sam Owens is on the sick list.
  5. An eagle with a wingspan of 7 feet was killed in the 15th district of Henry County by Mrs. Nannie Thomas. The bird attacked a flock of geese when she killed it with a stick.
  6. Frank Patterson, a Negro of Shelbyville sentenced for stealing hogs, later pardoned by Gov. Turney, was arrested for stealing a greater number of hogs.
  7. E. T. Gill is improving.
  8. CORRECTION: Charley Wilson is very much aggrieved. We credited him with a girl baby at his house. He says that there is no mugwump about him, that all his girls are boys and all of his boys are Republicans . . .
Now because I'm bored, let's take the same 1800's community reportage and give it a 2009 twist. And by reading the following, you swear you will not express hate, disgust, or anything else that might hurt my highly sensitive feelings. You can, however, say WTF?

  1. Last Tuesday in Clarksburg, that slutty whoredog at 22220 Skankalicious Lane, nobody's namin' names, flaunted her brand new fakies in front of Josie McDowell's ass-wipe husband, who had apparently never seen boobs. Mrs. McDowell's sister Ida got all up in her bro-in-law's face and whacked him upside the head with the makin'-it-my-business side of an ax. Fo' shizzle.
  2. Jimmy Hickman received express delivery of ten kilos of ganja via white, unmarked van. Looks like he got himself a hormone-free organic crop that should turn him a nice profit and still provide leftovers for Mrs. Hickman's On-the Downlow-Carb Brownies.
  3. Fifty-five-year-old Yvonne P. McLemore of Westlake died suddenly on Sunday when she rammed her pink Mary Kay Beamer into the Taco Bell. McLemore's daughter's friends' mothers recalled that McLemore had just received her AARP membership and was unable to breathe. They reported she then chugged half a bottle of Cuervo, whined something about life being over, and lamented she might as well eat gorditas.
  4. Sam Owens is a dumb, nerdy, sicko perv. In broad daylight and wearing his Windex clean coke-bottle glasses, he peeped inside his nextdoor neighbor Leo Funkenfeller's window while the guy was pumping iron in the nude. It was then that Mr. Owens' lenses reflected a harsh glare into his own kitchen window where his wife was cheerily preparing grilled cheese and avocado sammies. After stomping on his glasses and macing him, she called the police on his sorry ass.
  5. While tanning in her back yard, kindergarten teacher Nancy Thomas attacked an endangered American bald eagle with a Louisville Slugger when it strafed Fifi, her beloved pet goose. The startled eagle righted itself with a few Blue Angel maneuvers, choked on Fifi, and dropped her 300 feet into Henry County.
  6. After President Bush pardoned Frank "the Ay-rab" Patterson from his five-year home in Gitmo, Frank accidentally boarded the flight to Hamasville. In a cruel twist of fate, his flightmates then waged a small fatwa in his honor and porked him just for being American. (I know, bad!)
  7. E. T. Gill is improving but will still be unable to phone home as he is still unable to pay his 300-freakin'-dollar AT&T bill.
  8. CORRECTION: Charley Wilson is very much aggrieved. We cited that all four of his ultra-liberal daughters stumped door-to-door for Obama (oh yes, they did); when in fact, they had only stumped him on a daily basis with indecipherable riddles about who was on first and who was on second – Rush, Daddy-O, or neo-mugwumps?
Boy, news has come a long way, baby, hasn't it?
WTF you say? I seem to recall giving you the disclaimer that I was bored. So, I cannot be held responsible for any damage to your psyches.

22 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I did a WTF Wednesday once. I didn't make it a weekly thing however, but I do love it. People are weird and crazy regardless of the era, aren't they!

AirmanMom said...

Fun post!
Happy Wednesday!
~AM

Frank said...

Wow!!! You are bored. Love the kindergarten teacher that knows how to handle a slugger. : )

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Oh,girl. Your mind is truly blessed with I don't know what. Exactly what I needed to read right now. Thanks for the chuckles. I'm giggling.

Vic said...

I agree! Nothing says good times like beating wildlife with a stick. :)

Sara said...

This is comical to me since I work at a newspaper and very often the stories come out sounding a lot like yours! Fabulous!

thedomesticfringe said...

I like how the old newspaper recounted the woman's age to be 'about' 55. That's just how I estimate my age.

-FringeGirl

Debbie said...

I'm with Kristina - people have always been odd. Must be why I like them so much!

Amy said...

This cracked me up because it reminds me of the small town newspapers in Oklahoma where I grew up. To this day they print a "Comings and Goings" section that reads something like this:

"Bob & Ethel Cragmire's daughter, Alma, came down from Tulsa last weekend for a visit. Saturday night, they all went and had dinner at the Corner Cafe. Alma said she really misses the pot roast there and is going to make it point to come visit her parents more often."

It's the first thing I pick up and read when we go back to visit.

Great post, great blog!

Jan said...

I ROFLed over the woman ramming her pink Mary Kay beemer into the Taco Bell after chugging half a bottle of Cuervo and announcing she was going to eat gorditos. But not because I'd do anything like that, you know.

smiles4u said...

I love this...I love old newspapers and I love your 2009 take on them! You are too funny!

midlife slices said...

WTF were you chugging when you wrote this? Ebenezer A. Pearl's Tincture of Life? :)

Ann H. said...

There's a such thing as low carb brownies?!?! YAY! Great post, so entertaining!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I love all the different memes and choices out there too. Your WTF is pretty clever and fun.

nothingfancy1 said...

WTF...I think I just peed my pants!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

OMG! WTF Wednesday is my new favorite meme. Can't wait for Wednesday.

dana wyzard said...

uh, how do you get ANY work done? I mean, that post took an enormous amount of thought in insight and I wish you would have left a link to the site with the old time newspaper articles. I'm so old, I might be IN one of them!

Fragrant Liar said...

You guys, I was bored out of my gourd, but that is apparently when I am my most imaginative. That can be good or bad, depending . . .

Dana, I'll go back and post the links to those sites in the text itself so you can see them. There's a whole lot more where these came from.

ArtSparker said...

In a way, those articles in the old papers are like blogs...WFT Wednesday sounds like a pretty workable concept.

ladybeams said...

OMG! you crack me up! You are so creative, even (or should I say especially) when you're bored. Have a good weekend.

Wendy said...

You should be bored more often! :)

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