July 1, 2009

All Trussed Up and No Place to Go

Medial Branch Rhizotomy day, thanks to the car accident that keeps on giving. On arrival at surgical facility, I am escorted to the inner sanctum and allowed to disrobe behind Curtain #1. This time, I confess, I have supplanted my beloved thongs for big-girl panties, just for this event. White cotton with a swirly pattern -- girl's gotta add a little spice, right? After all, I have a reputation. I hope you all are not disappointed that I caved to convention. Please don't tell anyone, 'kay?

Nurse installs the IV on the back of my hand. She is a pro, sticking me in the right spot the first time. What's your pain level on a scale of 1 to 10, she asks. Aside from a nasty two-day migraine, the neck pain is at about 4. She and cohorts assure me I will find much relief after the radio frequency zaps to the affected nerve endings in my cervical spine.

As with pain injections, in the O.R. I drape myself over this makeshift pillow so they can easily get to my neck. The girls have to be resituated a few times, as being pressed into a towel-wrapped cushion with the comfort and density of a Sedona boulder is not their idea of fun. And my girls are no stranger to fun. My caretakers strap my legs to the table, throw something over my granny skivs, and tack my arms to my sides with Velcro strips. Apparently, they do not want me to take flight. I remember then that my procedure involves electrodes and a technique I call Shock-N-Block, and I wonder if I might buck myself off the table without restraints. Will somebody please knock me out before I dwell on that?

I say to the party of five wearing chest protection and gloves normally reserved for x-rays, "Gee, now that I'm trussed up like a turkey, I hope I don't have to make a quick exit."

I hear a timid gobble gobble, but then I am rudely awakened and flipped over, back onto the gurney. That's how fast that anesthesia works and how quickly they rouse me after it's all over but the squawking. I haven't even left the O.R. yet.

In recovery, my neck feels like a baseball bat is wedged under it, and the bandages are too tight. I squawk about the discomfort and they say I can take Tylenol when I get home. Even in my post-op euphoria, I think, Are you fucking kidding me? Tylenol is for pregnant women and pansies. "My pain level is at eleven. You remember eleven, right?" I then lapse back into a pleasantly stoned catnap.

Next thing I know, TG is once again picking up her Sears small appliance and taxiing me home. And now my neck is throbbing. They have not sent me home with Rx for pain. WTF? I call the doc's office and remain on hold for the full 40-minute excursion home in I-35 traffic. Just as we pull into the drive, I speak to someone who has a brain, and she agrees to call in a 'scrip to the pharmacy. I love her. She is getting flowers. But it is another two hours before I get the drugs. The good drugs. Sixty tablets! And me, meds averse, will probably use 3-4 of them. But now I just want some relief from the ninety-pound anvil on my neck, and my daughter is begging me to quit following her around whining like a cranky two-year-old who needs a nap. So I toss one back with a Diet Coke and count off the minutes before sweet relief.

I am not disappointed. May I say, post-op pain is excruciating. Darvocet, on the other hand, is the soothing serenity of seriously sedated gods. And now I must get out of bed and go enjoy another.
.

45 comments:

daisyfae said...

ahhh... the reason we put up with surgery. hope you're on the mend...

Sarah Lulu said...

Hmmm I hope you got some good rest and that now you are relaxed and pain free.

Shana said...

Rest Rest Rest, along with the 'good stuff'

smiles4u said...

I hope these injections work for you as pain really does suck. Enjoy the pain meds as long as you can...lol. In all seriousness I really hope this does the trick for you. Take care of yourself!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

OMG!! That turkey is naked!!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Alix said...

Need to do a little investigating to catch up on your neck situation so I know what's going on! Glad you got the Darvocet because, as you probably already know by now, the lousy Tylenol they wanted you to take is being heavily scrutenized by the FDA as overly used. So apparently somebody uses it. Me? I'm an aspirin girl... that is, when Percocet isn't an option.

Feel better soon.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I bet you were one good looking trussed turkey!!

Hallie

Gaston Studio said...

OMG, wouldn't be possible for me to have that done to me as I'd completely freak out about being trussed up/down like. I mean TOTALLY freak out!!

Sorry, I know this isn't about me and I sincerely hope the operation was successful; and glad you had someone prescribe something that really works!

Cliche, but get well as quick as you can!
xoxo
Jane

diane said...

You tell one funny story about a horrific situation, and you did it stoned out of your mind. You are my new hero. xo

Mental P Mama said...

Ouch! Hope you are feeling better.

Justine said...

Yikes. What exactly did you have done? Hope it's feeling at least a little better today.

Justine :o )

nothingfancy1 said...

Hope you're on the mend! Get loads of rest!

Julie said...

Ouch. Not sure what's going on with you, need to read back and see what I missed. But if those are anything like the shots I've had in my low back...I feel your pain. Literally.

Do drugs. Lots of them.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I hope you feel better soon. Just hearing about it gave me the heebie jeebies ... being the surgery expert I am now.

Kristina P. said...

I hope you're feeling OK! Glad you didn't die.

blognut said...

I'm so glad you have your friend Darvocet there to help you at a time like this.

Also? I'm just a teensy bit disappointed that you gave up the thong. :)

foxy said...

Enjoy your sweet meds, my dear, and know I'm thinking about you. I'm praying it all worked and you'll be pain-free in no time!

Tammy Howard said...

Do love me a good surgery story. Glad the meds are rockin' your world...

Lee Beth said...

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Jazz said...

Drugs are good, mmmm'kay??

Amy said...

After my accident, my family doctor made a house call. (Yes, really.) He brought some extra pain meds and a 12 pack of Smirnoff grape coolers. (My favorite.) I looked at him and said, "But the bottle says that I shouldn't drink alcohol while I'm taking these." He said, "As long as you're at home, in bed and not operating a piece of machinery, you'll be just fine. Now drink."

Now, you may want to get a second opinion, but I'm just saying...my doctor (yes, he's board certified) actually told me I could drink AND take Darvocet! I'm telling you, Lady, pain was nowhere to be found.

Pastor Sharon said...

Oh my. . . rest good when those pain meds kick in. . . that is some trauma. . . The way you were trussed up. . . sounds like they did some strong Electric Shock therapy to get your neck back to normal. Sorry you are experiencing this!

Madame DeFarge said...

When I broke my ankle, I realised just how good morphine was. I could understand why people became addicted. One moment agony, next moment, total bliss.

Hope you feel better soon

powdergirl said...

What?!! I leave the spere for a coupla days and they've got your trussed up like the christmas bird and are performing surgery on your NECK?
I recommend copious amounts of alcohol with that diet coke.
Copious. Amounts.
Could be the birth of some really cool new Haiku, you never know.
Hope it mends well : )

Lola said...

I hope the procedure works for you. There is nothing worse than neck and back pain. I've never heard of shock and block and frankly I'd like to keep it that way. After 2 epidurals and 4 sets of facet injections that only made things worse, I'm not in a hurry to try anything else.

Hope you have a speedy recovery.

Chris H said...

Hee hee... I love the way you likened yourself to the turkey! NIce pic.
Hope you are on the mend now.

otin said...

I hate medical procedure for the simple fact that I hate strangers touching me! I do love narcotic painkillers when needed! hehe!

Jason, as himself said...

You make surgery sound like so much fun.

My favorite part: "The girls have to be resituated a few times, as being pressed into a towel-wrapped cushion with the comfort and density of a Sedona boulder is not their idea of fun. And my girls are no stranger to fun".

Bella said...

being stoned only makes ya funnier! Hope you're feeling better.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

OMG! Sounds awful! And also reminded me to have my annual checkup after....3 years!!

Hope you are doing well now. Take care!

Kimberly said...

Yowza. I hope you are good as new & soon.

Hit 40 said...

I hope your procedure fixed the original problem?? Crazy getting even more pain trying to fix pain!!!

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

Not fun...err..well maybe after the drugs! Maybe that will let you sleep away some of the pain. I sure hope this works and you're up and going soon..not trussed like the bird!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

What? You wore granny skivvies? I'm so unimpressed.

Hope you only need a couple more. I so hope this relieves your pain and gets you rockin' again. (I know someone who will take those extra pills off your hands.)

Rest well and recover, dear friend.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Dang! I hope you feel better soon.

Vic said...

I had an MRI on my neck that involved being strapped to a board and inserted into a big white boulder wearing a helmet.
It was awful. I am full of sympathy for you at the moment.

I think you had a worse day than that, except they gave you drugs after, which is wonderful. Rest up!

Fragrant Liar said...

UPDATE: Hi, peeps. I am doing great. Darvocet is working like a charm, and even without it, things are looking positive. Keep your fingers crossed this has worked!

drollgirl said...

well thank god for those pain pills!!! but it just sucks ass about this accident and how much it is affecting your life!!! i hope things get better soon, with or without pills!!!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Gosh, I hope you feel better soon! I don't care how much you gussied that up, it didn't sound like fun at all.

Jack and Kernel said...

Yummy raw meat!!!

travel girl said...

I hope you feel better soon!

Michel said...

OMG! That sounds HIDEOUS! I would have demanded that they tie me up AFTER the anesthesia because that would have freaked me out.

Kudos on the darvocet. I heart drugs.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

OUCH! Wishing you a speedy recovery! Only you could make this procedure entertaining. :-)

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, you poor thing! It would totally suck to be out there in life without a thong--what if you got in an accident and the EMT was super-cute? Hope you're feeling better, and soon!

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