December 20, 2009

Holiday Head-Shakers

Every holiday around our house inspires some memorable head-shaking that brings to mind lines from favorite Christmas songs. In addition to my brush with zombie rats, plenty of contenders "sleighed" me, like:

  • Our resident angel from on high, Miss America, came down and addressed a sofa full of wassailing out-of-towners. "Want to know what the new baby is doing?" She sighed, screwed up her mouth in disgust, and rolled her eyes. "She's trying to suck on my mom's boob." O come let us adore her . . .
  • The overhead lights in our kitchen went out. The Three Wise Men of the family gathered beneath them as one after the other stood on the island and attempted to remove the frosted plastic cover from the fixture. After much ado, they couldn't remove it. Naturally, this begs the question, how many men does it take to change a light bulb? While These Three Kings took their special gifts to another crib of worship (aka, our garage for beer pong and darts), my daughter TG mounted the island and popped that sucker right out. Joy to the Girls, the boys are dumb.
  • My dad, he with the Santa belly, walked through the living room and sneezed explosively. Ho ho ho, his pants dropped to his ankles. Thankfully, I did not see the South Pole. Jump in bed and cover your head . . .
  • Six-year-old elf extraordinaire, JazzyB, was dissatisfied with our holiday decorations. She took matters into her own hands by completely undressing a dozen Barbies and Kens and lining them up in the manger that is her elfin workshop, depicting her version of the nativity scene. Or an orgy. Or a firing squad. The world in solemn stillness lay . . .
  • Three-year-old drummer boy, Destructo, stood at the toilet peeing while his mother supervised. He looked over his shoulder while pointing to his drumstick. "My peep big," he said. "Right, Mom?" Officially becoming the first woman in his life to protect his holy ego, she replied, "Um, sure, baby." Then he smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum.
Naturally, this should all be taken as gospel. What memories are you making over at your place?

40 comments:

otin said...

Oh, if I could only write down some of the lyrics that I sing to Christmas carols!! lmao!

TechnoBabe said...

This is so funny, you could make it into a childrens Christmas book!!!

Brian Miller said...

lol...and making it a childrens book...teeheehee...

rxBambi said...

Joy to the Girls! The boys are dumb.

I've been telling people this for years, I'm glad you were listening!

Very funny about the "peep"

I'll have to let you know if I learn anything good. We go to Grandma's tmro.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I have a house full of college boys here. They've been drinking beer and smoking cigars since 9 a.m. and it's now after 5 p.m. Fun times?

justsomethoughts... said...

i would say this was funny as hell.
but that would be...

anyway, it was really funny

creative kerfuffle said...

i love this post : ) so clever and fun and omg--those grandkids. too damn funny.

powdergirl said...

"A Grin Cheese on Wry with a Side of ROFLMAO."

Truth in advertising!

Your Hilarious.

midlife slices said...

You are so damn smart and witty. My Christmas wish is to have your wit and smarts implanted into my brain. I've been a really good girl. Really.

sherri said...

I just love the memory making comment at the end. My Mom always says "children, we are making memories" which is too cheezy for my brother and I not to laugh at. I am sure my kids will give me payback for that.

daisyfae said...

brilliant carols! would like to hear P!nk, Bette Midler and Lucy Lawless sing "joy to the girls"

Pearl said...

I agree with TechnoBabe. I think you have a children's book here.

:-)

Pearl

Jocelyn said...

I'm grilling up 8 reindeer for Xmas dinner this year; that's what I'm doin'.

julochka said...

ok, let me get this straight...the woman who just popped out a baby a few days ago had to be the one to solve this burning lightbulb (pun intended) issue? that's fabulous!!

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm not too keen on zombie rats, thanks for reminding me.

Secretia said...

I'm still singing your special Christmas songs!

Nezzy said...

Too funny! I just wanted to thank you for poppin' in with your comment.

Now in the words of old Granny Clampett, "ya'll come back now,ya hear!!!

AirmanMom said...

priceless!
~AM

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

At least Grandma didn't get run over by a reindeer. That wouldn't-a been pretty. VERY funny, gal!

smiles4u said...

This is just too funny. Love it. Love the things kids say...love their perspective...love the memories you are making at your house. XX

Danica said...

I can't stop laughing!

Goose said...

These were all hilarious but dad sneezing and his pants falling down is the best!

bernthis said...

no memories like that in this household. Not even close. Hilarious

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I don't think we should let Otin next to the Christmas carol lyrics, at least not publicly...

Loved your versions Liar.

Ginger@When Ginger snaps... said...

Too cute for words, and I love the photos of the adorable ornaments. Our holiday seems to be just keeping all the various animals from killing one another! My son is home from college and brought his new Maine Coon cat to mix in with our calico and rottweiler! And yes, it's a little crazy.

Jason, as himself said...

First of all, I love the nativity orgy. Just a week bit sacriligious, but funny as hell!

Second, "my peep big." Reminds me of a time when Diego was still in diapers and happened to have one of those mind of its own erections while I was changing his diaper. He grabbed it, looked at, looked at me, and said, "Esta GRANDE, GRANDE!!!"

I almost died.

Sarah Lulu said...

Oh dear I should not have read that eating a sandwich I almost choked!

LOL

You have an amazing beautiful Christmas my blogger friend.
xxx

Pastor Sharon said...

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in Hollandaise sauce. . .

Yeah I know, kind of corny compared to your very creative blog there!

Very funny pa rum pa pum pum you got going there, missy!

Midlife Mama said...

ROFL

Oh my good Lord, I had to wipe tears from my eyes after reading these! You are hysterical, girl! :)

My favorite:
"My peep big. Right, Mom?"
"Um, sure baby."

hahahahahaha!

Merry Christmas!

Mrsblogalot said...

LOL ...I'd buy this book. Bound to be a classic!

Thanks for stopping by!

The Grandpa said...

That must have been some sneeze. What wonderful goings on you have for the holiday.

JennyMac said...

"She's trying to suck on my mom's boob."

this made me laugh out loud.

circus monkey said...

I am just hoping my own resident "angel" doesn't fall off the high wire and that the wheels don't come off my tricycle! Merry Christmas to you and yours!

steppinthru said...

Oh my Gosh! That is hysterical! Thanks for making my day! Merry Christmas to you!

Joker_SATX said...

The Joker sits laughing like a dumbass at this post!

Kate said...

Ha ha that is so funny!

Kate xx

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Oh, the holy ego... do the Christmas sacrifices really have to extend to that, too??

Southern Sage said...

LOL

But now I am crushed!! You mean chicks might lie about such things as big???????

WannabeVirginia W. said...

That was very creative. Awesome blog!

Candice said...

Such a clever and funny post.

I loved it!