December 17, 2009

Zombies in the Attic

The other night I awoke at 2:30 to shuffling and scuffling noises, like something or someone stuck in a wall and clawing its way out. Or in the ceiling, dragging its leg along the rafters. My first thought was zombies. I'm told there are no such things as zombies; however, that didn’t stop them from infiltrating my psyche.

Make it stop! I can’t hear shit like that in the middle of the night.

Zombies are not what you want to wake up to, people. Or rats--especially, zombie rats in the excruciating throes of death, or re-enacting some kind of zombie death spiral. I imagined the creature had its foot caught in a trap, unable to escape. Noooooo! Don’t let me bear witness to the injustice! Stop suffering, little zombie rodent, and go to sleep. But ignoring the noises was impossible. How do you not dwell on zombies and rats when you're stuck in a sleep-deprived stupor? Zombies and rats are insistent in the dark.

Pollyanna being my childhood mascot, I invoked her to help me look on the bright side and be glad. Thankfully, Pollyanna is always game (she's very optimistic, but a slut). So she dragged me into a misty forest where we encountered a tribe of muscular, bare-chested male figures, led by a guy named Jacob. We double-teamed him under a new moon. Oh yes . . . we did. Jealous? Jacob had just phased on the fly when the shuffling and scuffling of the zombie rat in the attic demanded attention again.

No, zombie rat! I tossed and turned and wrapped my pillow around my ears. Pollyanna, beefy naked wolfmen, take me back to the forest! The sounds just became more ominous, like those noises that pea-soup-puking Reagan endured, which resulted in her getting a professional exorcism. You know how that satanic shit starts . . . always, noises in the attic.

I heard a mewl. Oh, torturous pain of death! Groggily, I sat up, grappling for my bearings. More shuffling and scuffling in the rafters. I got up and padded into the dark hallway, gaping at the ceiling, listening. Wait. Was that a mewl, or a mew?

To the left of me was the bathroom, and I heard more scuffling from behind the closed door. I turned the knob cautiously. In the dimness, all the drawers were open. WTF? Satan wants my vibrator? I flipped on the light. Like Uncle Buck in Bonnie and Clyde, Matilda rocked aimlessly on all fours, scraping her little cat head against the cabinets--her head was stuck up to her collar inside a Mr. Potato Head! She mewed plaintively, "WTF!" (Obviously, I speak cat.)

As I rifled through the bathtub paraphernalia (where the kids had bathed earlier) in search of plastic eyes, a hat, and a mustache to complete her ensemble, I wondered how long she'd been like that and whether she'd done it to herself. Perhaps it was the zombie rats, or perhaps we will one day soon need the services of an exorcist. In any case, I think this proves that my cat is incredibly intelligent. By sliding the drawers open and shut, she was S-O-S'ing me!

Well, doesn't she look like a genius?
.

56 comments:

sherri said...

that is hilarious. my youngest is getting a mr. potato head for xmas and now i fear our cat stanley will be sportin that look soon. thanks for stoppin by my blawg. your comment did set me free.

Kristina P. said...

Oh my goodness! That is hilarious!! Poor kitty. And I don't even like cats.

Vic said...

I so didn't see the potato head coming!! Poor baby.

That would make an excellent profile picture.

Owen said...

I wouldn't have gone anywhere near that kitty, it looks like the feline version of Hannibal Lecter ! Especially not after it had already let the rats in...
:-)

Nice kitty...

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Oh man, I almost choked on my glass of wine! That is the most funniest, yet cutest picture. I was all into the zombies and then, Matilda???

Poor baby! If she only knew how much she spooked you!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Oh wow ... it's been a LONG arse time since I've played with a Mr. Potato head, but I do NOT recall them having an opening large enough for a cat to fit their head into. That is a laugh riot!

Secretia said...

You and your girlfriend two-for-one'd that poor Jacob? It must have been an incredible adventure for him!

Secretia

only a movie said...

And that, apparently, is how you weave a New Moon reference into a Potato-Headed-Cat story.
Well done! ;-)

daisyfae said...

that's a riot! i was going to suggest you lay off the nyquil with dreams like that, but perhaps it was a good thing the dreams woke you up!

De Campo said...

This is why I only keep wolverines as pets.

smiles4u said...

Too flippin funny. That picture...lol!

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

OMG! LOL!

Joker_SATX said...

I wonder....do you polish the Kitchen floor so that when she comes running towards her food bowl she slides right on by?

I know...mean of me to suggest but she looks like the kind of cat that would actually enjoy that....

Jazz said...

The zombie rats did it.

Poor kitty.

Gaston Studio said...

Thank God you forsook (is that a word?) the naked wolfmen and woke to rescue Matilda! Did it come off easily? I hope so, allowing you to return to Pollyanna and your intrepid dreams.

The Bug said...

I agree with Owen - the Hannibal Lecter look was just a wee bit creepy on top of the zombie stuff. I'm glad I'm reading this at work instead of home alone in the middle of the night :)

Pat said...

That picture is priceless! I laughed so hard when I saw it! You DO have a smart cat - maybe he was trying to get the head off with the drawers. Although he wasn't too smart by sticking his head in Mr. Potato Head!

Brian Miller said...

lol....amazing pics as well...my cat would have to find a new home...

Danica said...

ROFLMAO I can so see my cat doing that!!!!!

TechnoBabe said...

Matilda did indeed send you a message.Did you have to slather vaseline in there to remove her head?
I know it wasn't the most fun the cat ever had, but it did get a snicker from those of us who get to read your blog.

Suburban Scream said...

How long did you leave her like that? I was contemplating shoving my cat's head inside a Mr Potato Head after this just for fun, but he already makes enough noise as it is.

Did you ever do the trick where you tie a tube sock around a cat's torso and it renders it immobile? Fun. Not sure if it works for rats. Or zombies. Or beefy naked wolfmen.

foxy said...

Poor thing! But also the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Oh, poor kitty. Have to giggle, though. Excellent photo.

julietk said...

As I rifled through the bathtub paraphernalia (where the kids had bathed earlier) in search of plastic eyes, a hat, and a mustache to complete her ensemble, really cracked me up :-D where did you get the rat picture? cool blog I'll be back, said in a non terminator way.

Goose said...

I agree about Hannibal the cannibal. I also don't remember there being a huge hole big enough for a cats head. What have they done to Mr. Potato Head in recent years?

Suzy said...

Yeah, what Kristina P. said.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Poor thing! I, too, would be freaking out if I got stuck inside a Mr Potato Head!

Pastor Sharon said...

Shut up. . . oh I was on the edge of my seat wondering what you were going to find. . . . and that dream of those men was going well in the story line until it was interupted by the poor kitty who was obviously no match for Mr. Potato Head.
This is hilarious!

JoeinVegas said...

Yes, pretty sure it was the zombie rat that did it to her. Cats don't do things like that to themselves, unless there are treats involved.

otin said...

Is your cat insane? lol

Debbie said...

Oh my word! I can't believe she had her head stuck in that potato! What a goof.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yep, that's one genius kitty you got there. A real brainiac.

The poor thing!! I don't know whether to cheer you on as a fellow photo essayist who captures life through pictures or chastise you for keeping a Mr. Potato Head on just a bit longer while you snapped a photo. Or twelve.

OK. I admit it. It's the former. I'm a terrible person.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh dear gawd, you are so funny.

Do you ever read Captain Dumbass? he LOVES everything zombie.

GingerJar said...

I too thought Hannible Lector...or some type of cat muzzle. Darn...but to complete the look...Glad you saved her.

Hilary said...

LOL.. that poor thing.. that's hilarious!

powdergirl said...

Hilarious, just fucking hilrious!

Our resident cat and cheif executive in charge of slaying the ugly yellow toothed monsters is not the brightest bulb in the string.

Love the potato head reference, made me think of Mrs Potato Head in Toy Story...

"Don't forget your angry-eyes"

Those are specificaly designed to scare off zombies.

LMFAO at this one : 0

darsden said...

hahaha poor kitty....

Merry Christmas and have a very Blessed New Year!

Captain Dumbass said...

OMG, I didn't think it could get better than zombie rats, but it surpassed it! You really should have found the eyes and moustache.

♥ Braja said...

Bastard zombie rats....they did that to her.

And....uh.....you left it on so you could get a photo of her? Holy cat traumas, batwoman....

Madame DeFarge said...

Wonderful. And will you re-enact the rest of Toy Story for us as well?

Deedee said...

Ridiculously funny...but how'd you get the darned thing off??

Julie said...

OMG, I just spit coffee all over my monitor. Warn me next time, will ya???

Becky Mushko said...

What a hoot!

This sounds like something one of my cats might do, except I don't have a Mr. Potato Head.

creative kerfuffle said...

um....ROFLMAO. ok, whew. i love cats and this cracks me up. first i want to know why your cat shoved her heard up mr. p's bum. second i want to know how the hell it FIT! wow.

midlife slices said...

LOL That's hysterical!

flutter said...

Oh, Jesus. I think I would have just sold the house and left.

you know, like that is so easy..

Gary Heller said...

Ha, great story. i have three cats and speak cat language too.
Visiting from "the smitten image"
Have a great holiday

Life with Kaishon said...

Your creativity with this post is outstanding : ) LOVE it! Merry Christmas!

Land of shimp said...

Oh jeez, the poor cat. Maybe you can use that photo as cat blackmail, you know, threaten to show it to all of her cat friends if she doesn't pick up her room.

Fun post :-)

smiles4u said...

Came back to say, Congrats on POTW mention from Hilary! Bravo!!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I am laughing WITH, not at. OMGosh, that is so funny!! Congrats on your POTW mention at Hilary's!!

kcinnova said...

ROTFLMAO

Can't. Stop. Laughing.
Tears. Now. Falling.

I'm tempted to wake up my 18yo son just so I can laugh with someone else. I think I'll just send him your link.

Still laughing.

(Thank Hilary for sending us here.)
You truly deserve POTW status!!)

Reb said...

Oh, that is so funny! Poor kitty :(

Moannie said...

Hilary sent me here with her inclusion of your name in her Post of the Week, and I am so happy she did. Best laugh I've had since, oh, since Suldogs last masterpiece.

mac said...

Poor pussy was just trying to get a bit of head.... is that so wrong?

jules said...

That is totally bazaar! How did she manage to do that to herself?!? Glad the zombies didnt get you!