December 22, 2009

Good Enough

Dear Santa,

I've been exceedingly good enough this year. If you insist, I'll tell you why . . .
  • It's really not that bad to cuss habitually. My dad and mom always do it and I don't want to disappoint them by breaking with a beloved family tradition.
  • Always telling the truth is overrated. Little white lies are actually beneficial under opportune circumstances, and saving my own ass is Priority One because, really, this shows that I love myself. It's a proven fact that one must love oneself first in order to love others.
  • Vanity is just part of being a woman. Because of all my nurturing aspects and shit, I take pride in my appearance so I can be a good example for my daughters. How else would they know how much makeup and jewelry to don before they do anything strenuous?
  • Shooting the bird at strangers and loved ones alike is educational. As both a student and teacher of life, I perform a valuable public service with a single mad flourish that says, "You have annoyed me, mofo, boogermuncher, pitsniffer, skidmark, fleabrain, buttdog, punkchild of the universe." In this way, they learn not to make that mistake again, and I learn that imparting my true feelings is the safest way to cleanse myself of nasty toxins.
  • Embarrassing your children builds character. It instills in them a healthy dose of humility and an endearing penchant for storytelling they can share with others year after year. Intrigued therapists will take copious notes until their hands cramp up, and I ask you, how else would they learn to write like real doctors? See? Win-win for everyone!
  • Just saying no is not really selfish. Deny, deny, deny, because people need to become self-reliant. If I loan some chick all my cherished Twilight tomes rather than letting her drive her ass to Barnes & Noble to buy her own damn books, she will never grow as a person. Withholding is its own reward.
For goodness sake, Santa Baby, this is by no means a complete list of the ways I've been good enough all year. But since you're coming to town, and I may be inebriated by the time you get here, I want to make sure there will be no misunderstandings between us on Christmas morning.

In holiday merriment,
Your Fragrant Liar

P.S.
It's totally pervy that you can see me when I'm sleeping. Dude, you can get your ass arrested for that. However, I am inclined to forgive your creepiness if you could see your way clear to gifting me with a new Lexus IS. If I have to, I'll settle for an ES350. Whaddaya say, big guy? I'll call off the coppers if you'll call up the elves and get them assembling my sleek new wheels.

P.P.S.
I don't have a chimney, remember? But I do have a garage, and I will totally kick the kids out of their makeshift gameroom if you don't have enough wrapping paper to cover it. Oh, and I don't want to be any trouble, so no need for a big red bow. Unless you insist.

39 comments:

ModernMom said...

LOL Greatest Santa Letter I have read in a long time! I was always creeped out that the big guy could see me when I was sleeping:)

fingers said...

Dear Fragrant,
I have two words for you this Xmas; NO DICE.
You people give me the shits with your one letter a year, full of self-praise and a wish list ten pages long. Yeah, you want a Lexus, that prick Fingers wants some new cats, half the chicks on the net want larger bongos, the other half want to lose weight in their sleep. I'm over it quite frankly. You can all go and get f*cked,

The Big Guy

Secretia said...

That Lexus only comes in one color, the colr of money.
Have great holidays!

Secretia

The Peach Tart said...

Well I do hope that Santa brings you all your desires. Merry Christmas.

Brian Miller said...

lol. sounds good enough for me...smiles. hope you get all you wish for.

Snappy Di said...

I want my Santa to bring me one too... Please slap a bow on mine, Santa... I'm kinda picky that way.

Merry Christmas Fragrant!!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Sea Witch said...

I am rolling with your blog. What fun you share and I love a person who doesn't sugar coat shit. Shit should be able to stand alone on its on "fragrant" self. So glad you stopped by my blog as I would never had met you. All the Best. Sea Witch

smiles4u said...

LOL! Hope you get all your wishes fullfilled! Thanks for the smile this morning. :)

GingerJar said...

That is soooo funny....personality plus...if Santa leaves you your Lexus...you can ship it to Texas...just hinting...LOL.

Sea Witch said...

I couldn't resist, I had to feature you on my blog. Your words and insights are too wonderful to keep only for myself...much to my kneejerk reaction wanting to do so. Sea Witch

http://musingsofaseawitch.blogspot.com/2009/12/meet-fragrant-liar.html

Beth said...

Merriment. I don't know why but I do love that word!

Now I'm craving some *special* eggnog. It will help with the merriment.

TechnoBabe said...

This is really good, you spunky gal! I think you covered all the really important things, so Santa better come through for you!

Joker_SATX said...

This post is a WIN!

Kudos to you...May the Lexus find its way into your garage!

Olde Baggs n Stuft Shirts by LindaOma said...

Oh you're gonna get it.....I hope. You are appropriately snarky and I love you. I will (with or without) your permission pass along your out there blog to my buddies in blogdom. Too wonderful dahlink. Linda in New Mexico

Kristina P. said...

Haha. This is the best Santa letter ever. Santa is a little pervy!

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

Very funny! Thanks for the holiday chuckle today!

Lili said...

"...imparting my true feelings is the safest way to cleanse myself of nasty toxins."

I love this!

justsomethoughts... said...

you make a convincing argument

i think you should offer your servces to the less fortunate (the rest of us habitual cussers etc.)

Vic said...

My daughter used to freak out about the Santa-sneaking-into-the-house-in-the-dead-of-night thing.

It IS creepy. So we told her the truth, that he leaves the gifts in the yard, and we just pick them up.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Well, you've convinced me, so I'm sure you'll convince Santa.

I keep checking the garage to see if my Magnum p.i. style ferrari has appeared yet!

Pastor Sharon said...

This is so funny! I love that you told him how you really feel! And that watching you while you sleep line. . . priceless!

Santa Claus said...

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas from me and Otin!

I see you when your sleeping, when you are bathing, when you are.....oh, Mrs claus may see this!

Cindy said...

You're wonderful

bernthis said...

I had no idea that talking like a truck driver and shooting the bird at every dickweed who can't drive in L.A. was a public service of sorts. Thanks. I feel so much better now

powdergirl said...

"Fuck It, Good Enough.."

I always thought that would make a great name for an explosives manufacturing company.

Merry Christmas, Liar.

You deserve your Lexus.

The Giraffe Head Tree said...

Just stopping by on Christmas Eve to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a delightful New Year. Thank you for a fabulous year of beautiful photography and amazing prose.

morethananelectrician said...

Think of it as "giving" the bird to someone. Giving is much more fitting of the season...even if it in a parking lot.

Give the bird and then drop a dollar in the red bucket.

Rick said...

Ha ha - Santa a pervert. I suppose in today's culture the guy will one day get caught and put away for good.

Barbara aka Layla said...

OMG! I love your blog! Thanks for commenting on my blog (about Arnel Pineda) so that I found you!!!

Let us know what color the Lexus is...

Libby Buttons said...

Hot Damn!

Bella said...

hahaha! great letter! So what did Santa bring you? hmmmmm? inquiring people who think Santa is pervy too, wanta know!

Farmers Wife said...

Yeah, let's blackmail Santa..yeah!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Cussing is a big time family tradition for us too.

Happy Holidays FL!

flutter said...

since Santa is watching you while you sleep, you'd better hope you don't sleep-fart...

Jeanne said...

I trust you received your Lexus?

Lee said...

I asked Santa if you had been good or bad...I think he tore a laugh muscle.

Julie said...

Ahahahahahha priceless! I'm here getting caught up on my post holiday blog reading! Is there coffee?

Doctor FTSE said...

I know why there's a fairy on top of your Christmas tree . . . but do you know why there's a fairy on top of your Christmas tree? Santa knows, and the fairy knows . . . to her cost! You think the Big Guy is Mister Nice Guy? No. He isn't . . .

Train Wreck said...

LMAO! Oh I am so glad you stopped by my humble place. I love it here! You crack me up. Why is it that all my favorite bloogers live so damn far away? hmmm it is probably for the best. We would most likely take over the world....Hey!? oh wait... no resolutions...I remember.