April 19, 2009

Lint in the Butt

TG brought her daughter, Miss America, downstairs to my bathroom where I was getting ready for work. "Tell your Nana what you found," she said, teetering between empathy and impatience.

In her pleated jeans skorts (and topless), four-year-old Miss America looked up at me with sad, teary brown eyes and a pouty lower lip I could have set my coffee cup on.

"What's the matter, sweetie? You okay?"

Miss America's chin quivered and she clammed up, wiping at her eyes.

"She found lint in her butt," my daughter explained with that exasperated smirk that's half chuckle and half I-can't-believe-I'm-a-grown-woman-talking-about-lint-in-the-butt. You know the one.

"Lint?" I asked.

TG nodded. "She's freaking out."

"But how did she --" My lightning quick faculties assessed the situation: Miss America had found lint in her butt. Rather, she had found lint in the crevasse of her butt. How she managed to find it was not my concern. The important thing is that she was not happy to discover this little treasure and had promptly fallen apart.

"I hate it when that happens," I said. "It's okay. Really, it's just lint. I get lint in my bellybutton sometimes. There's lint on everything."

I could see my little cherub wanted to believe that the offending lint had not emanated from her behind, but then her eyes grew wide, which I took to mean: If there's lint on everything, maybe there's reason to panic on the scale of a planetary invasion.


"Come here," I said. "Let me show you." I took her hand as we wound our way through the house to the laundry room. At the dryer, I pulled the lint catch out of its deep hole. "See?" I stroked the screen with my fingertips allowing the thick, flaccid cushion of speckled fuzz to fold over itself and into the trash can. "Lint is in all fabrics. All the clothes you wear have lint in them. It's everywhere, like germs, but you normally don't see it."

I suspected the wheels of her imagination turned that big swath of dryer fuzz over her crevasse and left an unwelcome hanger-on.

"This like, almost NEVER happens," I assured her, resigned to my matriarchal ineptitude. "It was a fluke that you even found it!"

Miss America nodded and whimpered, "Will you make sure it's off?"

"Um . . . sure?" I led her back into my bathroom where TG was in my adjoining closet jacking my wardrobe. I pulled a rag from the linen closet, ran it under the faucet, and squeezed. "Drop 'em," I said.

Miss America slid down her skorts and undies, and I zipped the rag between her cheeks, then held it out for inspection. "See anything?"

Fingers in her mouth, she mumbled no.

"That's because there's nothing there!"

TG peeked out the closet and rolled her eyes. I tossed the rag into the hamper and dusted off my hands. "I think my work here is finished."

Then I joined TG in my closet. We held up blouses and dress pants, assessing them for wearability based on how skinny we didn't feel. We hopped around without modesty in our panties and bras, trying each outfit on (and off). Miss America watched from the edge of the bathtub. Her small voice stopped us, each with one leg in a pair of pants we had exchanged.

"That's disgusting," she said. The village idiots looked into the big brown eyes of the cherub with the scrunched-up face. "That's disgusting," she repeated.

This, from the child with lint in the butt.

29 comments:

midlifeslices said...

Lint in ones butt is a cause for concern, alright, but what I really want to know is....what the hell was she looking for when she found it? LOL

Kristina P. said...

The old lint in the butt problem. Not that I would know, or anything.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Here's a fresh one: Lies!!! lol

phd in yogurtry said...

Me in bra and panties? More disgusting than lint in the butt. My kids haven't complained of lint. Maybe cuz there's worse critters they've found down there?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I'm thinking you could give that lint to Socks without Mates and she could get Miss America some college fund money from Ebay.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

well, she's peeking everywhere, isn't she?!

Kay said...

Thank you so much for your visit to my blog. I found this quite interesting and unique. I wonder if my little granddaughter will have these little "concerns" as well. :-)

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

You know what my question is, right? What was she doing rooting around in her butt crack? LOL

Justine :o )

Shania said...

Seems that lint is one of the most harmless things that could be found attached to a four year old. I'll spare you some of the goodies Silas has discovered.

Anna Russell said...

Awww, bless her! Has she discovered earwax yet? You better be prepared for that when it happens. My daughter was convinced Duncan the teddy bear was pooing in her ear while she slept. Took me a while to convince her otherwise.

nothingfancy1 said...

It pays to be thorough when you're Miss America...that's for sure. LOL! Great story!

Gaston Studio said...

You are SUCH a good Nana!!! Everything you said and did was so right for a curious and scared four year old.

Reminds me of an incident with my grandson which just may become a post. Thanks for the inspiration!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You have patience, my dear.

Nancy said...

I can relate to Miss America, I hate lint between my toes ... now I'm off to inspect my butt crack!

(cute post)

Julie said...

Come to my blog, I have something for you.

Jan said...

Poor kid. The oddest things freak them out.

Andrea said...

My you are so patient! I'm not sure what I would have said about the lint in the butt!

Jill said...

OMG! ROFLMAO!!!! TOO funny!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I KNOW you LOVED seeing the hook in the eye.

You are VERY welcome!!

Hallie

The Wife O Riley said...

My four year old daughter calls everything disgusting too, what's up with that?

smiles4u said...

OMG that is way too funny. You are such a great grandma to just deal with her so honestly and matter of factly!

Gran said...

Adorable!

Lisa said...

Their naked versus our naked is so different. According to them.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm asking the questions too: What was she doing rooting around in her butt? But then of course, I think of myself and what I'm doing rooting around back there. Generally, it's an itch or a panty bunch, so there's got to be some good reasons. Right? RIGHT?

Wendy said...

I have boys. If one of my boys had found lint in his butt he would have started yelling, "Mom, COOOOOOL... I found LINT IN MY BUTT!!!!" And then he'd relate an entire plan that involved showing all his friends his butt lint or maybe putting it in a baggie and saving it for show and tell. Or making me blog about it.

Boys. Bah!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

This child is going to grow up to be something great and wonderful.

Fragrant Liar said...

Great and wonderful Girls. Yes. We rock it.

nikkicrumpet said...

I was envisioning the closet scene whilst reading along...and I concur with Miss America!

小貓咪 said...

情趣,情趣用品,情趣,A片下載,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色貼圖,情色,色情網站,色情遊戲,色情小說,情色文學,色情,aio交友愛情館,色情影片,臺灣情色網,寄情築園小遊戲,情色論壇,嘟嘟情人色網,情色視訊,愛情小說,言情小說,一葉情貼圖片區,情趣用品,情趣,色情漫畫,情色網,情色a片,情色遊戲,85cc成人片,嘟嘟成人網,成人網站,18成人,成人影片,成人交友網,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人光碟,微風成人區,免費成人影片,成人漫畫,成人文學,成人遊戲,成人電影,成人論壇,成人,做愛,aio,情色小說,ut聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080視訊聊天室,免費視訊聊天,哈啦聊天室,視訊聊天,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,6k聊天室,視訊聊天室,成人聊天室,中部人聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,視訊美女,視訊做愛,正妹牆,美女交友,玩美女人,美女,美女寫真,美女遊戲,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,微風論壇,微風,伊莉