April 7, 2009

WTF Wednesday: Up Yours

Alarm goes off. I smack it and roll out of bed, groggy, foggy, boggy. My sleep has been restless and fitful and not long enough. I stumble through the dark toward my bathroom and a steamy shower (not that that will wake me up). I stand against the wall with my eyes closed as the water heats up; then I stand still longer under the hot spray till my body starts moving. When I finally finish all the lathering and rinsing, I decide to shave my legs. I do want to catch a man one of these days, after all, and how can you do that looking like Graciela the Grizzly? So, nearly awake now, I grab my razor from the top of the stall.

Now I should interrupt myself to tell you that I have the downstairs bathroom and sometimes the nanababies take showers in there instead of their own shower upstairs. And to their little psyches, no shower is truly worth the time and energy without their favorite toys. I don't blame them; I feel the same way. However, a girl's really got to be in the mood for toys, right?

So imagine my surprise when I lazily plop down on the floor of my shower to get comfy while I shave, and out of all the cuddly, squeezy, rubber bath toys, it's the long, narrow, hard, plastic hoof from a Princess Pony that somehow gets rammed right up my -- well, I just don't want to tell you where it got rammed. It hurts to think about it. Suffice to say, this pony's hoof has trotted into a deep, dark arroyo where the sun never, ever shines.

Oh yes, it has. I guess this pony never heard of those famous words to live by: Poker? I hardly know 'er!

So I now have to write the makers of this plastic beast to tell them what a poking hazard it is, and request that parents warn their children against leaving their Little Menacing Bastard Plastic Poker Ponies in the shower where some sleepy, unsuspecting woman who just wants to have silky smooth, touchable legs can take it right up the Uh-Uh! Pony my ass, people!

All right, now you know! There's an Uh-Huh and an Uh-Uh, and only the Uh-Huh accepts visitors!

Oy, Pony's owner and I need to have a chat. Right after my sitz bath.
.

42 comments:

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Youch! I suppose now everyone will want one as a perverted type sex toy. You may have just upped plastic pony sales around the world. lmao

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"Suffice to say, this pony's hoof has trotted into a deep, dark arroyo where the sun never, ever shines."

That's so funny! Sure it hurt, but it is funny.

Sarah Lulu said...

That will teach you to sit down on the shower floor ahahaha....

Amy said...

You mean the plastic pony in my drawer isn't a sex toy?!

Damn.

AirmanMom said...

um, er...not quite certain how to comment on this post. However, I read it, therefore I comment.
I hope you feel better?
~AM

IB said...

What would Wednesday be without a toy up the shoot? Dull, I say!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'm up in the middle of the night with a stomach flu that won't let me sleep. Your post brightened me up with a smile.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm glad you all can find some simple pleasures at my expense! ;)

Amy, stay . . . away . . . from the ponies.

Jan said...

ROFL - I can see the packaging disclaimers now:

"Pokey-Hole Danger - Unsuitable for children over 45"

Anna Russell said...

Although if it had just been a couple of inches in the other direction, it could have been a rather enjoyable experience...

foxy gal said...

OMG... that is hilarious!

What a way to start your morning... with a little pony love! Ha!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

In our house, it's elephants and tigers. Ever had an elephant foot up the wazoo?

Vic said...

OW! Fortunately, in our house the dog chewed the legs off most of the toys, so that made the house safe from accidentally probing.

the 'arroyos' line was hilarious!

Brittany said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I am sitting in my office at work and laughing my butt off- no pony included! Friggen Hilarious!

Wunderwoman said...

Pony love...LMAO

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Hey, it woke you up, didn't it?!

Julie said...

This is a prime example of how you need to be specific in your requests to the Universe, as clearly asking for "hung like a horse" can be taken way too literally.

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

OMG, Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I hope you soaked the stupid pony in Clorox!!!!!!!

Justine :o )

Beth said...

Did you "giddy-up" when you got poked? Hee, hee.

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

I hardly know 'er . . . crack me up! Thanks!

The Jules said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Jules said...

lol - just be grateful it wasn't a shire horse.

nikkicrumpet said...

UMMMMM you might want to check to make sure one of his little horse shoes didn't come of in the.....ummmm arroyo! Totally hilarious. I'm gonna be laughing at this one all night!!!

morethananelectrician said...

And you can't even get the feature of a battery powered toy in that area.

DebraLSchubert said...

This may be the beginning of a hole (hah!) new craze!

Fragrant Liar said...

Hey, where's all my "Oh no! I hope you are all right and had the doctor look at it"?? And you call yourselves my peeps?

Can you hear me telling my doctor,"Well, I was horsing around in the shower -- by accident -- when Princess Pony reared up."

No, ain't nobody getting a look-see.

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Owie. And you ain't no horse's ass!

midlifeslices said...

I swear I left a comment yesterday.....but then again.....I swear I'm still only 29 too, so maybe I didn't.

Anyway.....I said....I know the pain of a sharp plastic toy thingy jabbed in no man's land...well. I have lots of those little plastic toy loving humanoids bathing in my tub. Ugh....

smiles4u said...

You are too funny...and the comments too...can't say in all my years I have had this happen to me...hope you didn't get hurt too badly.

Lisa said...

Too funny! But ow, ow, ow!

Debbie said...

Oh, you made me laugh with the pony's monologue! I hope everything came out alright in the end.

steppinthru said...

I haven't had any stuck up my arroyo but I have stepped on small, sharp, plastic objects in the dark of night and between screaming, cursing and trying to remain upright I have awakened the Coach and had him wish he could stick something somewhere.

travel girl said...

I'm glad I was not drinking anything when I read this. I would have spit all over my new laptop!

Cher said...

Aren't you glad it wasn't a unicorn?

The Texas Woman

Twenty Four At Heart said...

You sit down in the shower to shave?

Midlife Mama said...

ROFLMFAO

There aren't words... truly, there aren't words. Oh Lordy...the things running through my head right now, and most of 'em aren't fit for public consumption. I can't say it...I can't.

And if the pony toys end up in the sex toy drawer, you must then worry about where the sex toys are...and hope they aren't at school for a little show and tell.

Sarah Lulu said...

Ohhhh and I've given you an award, please visit my page to receive it. Sarah Lulu

Jill said...

yuck.. need some bleach???

Happy Easter!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

What a terrible bloggy friend I am. I would love to tell you how badly I feel for you but I can't stop laughing.

GingerJar said...

LOL. OMG that was funny. I never sit in the shower to shave, I'm afraid I might not be able to get up. Hummmmm....and the first spanish I probably learned (from a female funny-gal on tv) was "butto no entrada"...but I'm sure the plastic horse wouldn't be listening...even if it knew Spanish. Hope the Holy Grail is ok. Oh, and I hope to be you're 100th follower!

miss amy said...

Ouch....What a way to kick start your day.

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