April 28, 2009

WTF Wednesday: Penis Envy?

Given that it seems to be Penis Week here at Fragrant Liar, I’m going to take you down a dark path. Darker than usual. No, darker. Where it’s slick and wet. And salty. And all kinds of scary – with only a smidgen of hope and light. If you have are weak and wimpy, turn back now. I don’t want to be responsible for your nightmares.

Still with me? Oh, but you are brave.

Let us begin. Imagine that you are a hermaphrodite, half male, half female. (I told you it was dark.) Let’s further imagine – and this is your hope and light – that you have not one but two penises. (Imagine the possibilities when two dicks do the thinking.) You, my hermie friend, have an ego the size of the Great Barrier Reef because you are able to brandish your dexterous penises like swords. But what you do with your rare endowment is crucial. Your actions, Duodicks, will impact your future, and in fact, your species. What will you do in the clutch – what will you do?

Now imagine that you are in your prime, young and virile. Your secret weapons are sheathed beneath you as you cruise and flutter along the sandy ocean bottom in search of action. It is then that you spy another one of your kind, up ahead. It is Pairapricks, looking for a fight, gliding in close. The two of you issue silent but deadly challenges to duel.

You, fearless Duodicks, rise up like a cobra, revealing your mighty twin sabers. “I told you, I’m not doing it!” you shout at your opponent.

“I’m not doing it either!” Pairapricks rumbles, strutting deceivingly like a peacock, for hidden in his underbelly are his own masters of magic, King and Kong. Pairapricks rises up to take you on, both of you brandishing your weapons to and fro, thrusting and poking in a mad, mad flurry of penis fencing and “I know you are, but what am I?” until Pairapricks gets in a lucky jab and with it a fatal goop of ejaculate.

As you realize your failure, the hermie spermies absorb into your pores, awakening your egglets and girly parts; and suddenly you are pregnant. Adding insult to injury, Pairapricks chants, "You are a gi-i-irl, you are a gi-i-irl!" Sadly, Pairapricks' victory ensures his status as the de facto male and you the de facto female -- and also that you will get so fat with babies that you won’t even be able to see those double daggers you’re so proud of. This is your lot in life, Duodicks, for you are the weird marine flatworm (phylum platyhelminthes).

Because I knew you'd want a keepsake of the conception for your babies' scrapbook, I filmed it all for you. Just click here at Our Conception, then sit back and enjoy yourself, like Daddy Pairapricks did. Kind of.

Did I warn you people or what?

33 comments:

midlifeslices said...

O.k. It's time to step away from the Discovery channel and get a date. Now, dammit!!

Chairman Bill said...

How interesting. It's a pity some of our own species have not evolved past the flatworm's method of courtship.

Minka said...

Oh dear! I thought you had dark imagination and then I find out you're all about science!

♥ Braja said...

ooooooo....is there a pearl in there? i like pearls...

:)

Tom Erdman said...

Give me a tissue. Love stories always make me cry. Did they marry?

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Awwww. how sweet.

I think.

Beth said...

I love a good LOVE story! And now that I've learned something, can I just call it a day?

K said...

You should read Middlesex. I think you'd like it.

And I love those crazy animal shows.

Jan said...

I just love coming here - it's always such an educational experience.

But I think Midlife Slices has some good advice for you, dear.

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

Holy Duodicks, what the hell inspired you to write about this? FLAT WORMS? Flat worms with double dicks??????? OMG! I even watched the damn video, which really... says a lot about my mentality.

Justine :o )

leslie said...

Where do you FIND this stuff?!?!?

Butler and Bagman said...

I watched the video too. As a species, we sure can't get enough watching or thinking about sex! I never thought I'd be jealous of a flatworm!

Gaston Studio said...

Please don't tell me your post for tomorrow will show us a flatworm's vagina! I don't wanna know!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Time to find a boyfriend... one with one penis perhaps?

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Anna Russell said...

Tooooooooo funny!

I want the job of those people in the video.

"What do you do?"

"I'm a penis watcher".

Oh yeah.

Amy said...

Ick. I almost had to stop at the "warm, slick, wet & salty" part, but like a trooper, I persevered. *gag*

Julie said...

Honey....drop the lighter and step away from the bong.

I say that with all the love in the world.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

That's waaay more information than I think I've ever wanted. Ever. As if ONE penis isn't enough.

The Wife O Riley said...

LOL!!! Mother Nature can be a cruel bitch, can't she?

morethananelectrician said...

I am not capable of getting to that level of imagination, but I was relieved that the photo turned out to be of something that wasn't scary.

nikkicrumpet said...

WELL CRAP...I was so sure this was going to be a juicy story about your new boyfriend....imagine my disappointment to find out he's just a worm....a well endowed worm...but still a worm.

nikkicrumpet said...

OH...did I forget to mention you're hilarious ...I'm sure you get tired of hearing it...but dayum woman you are something else!

blognut said...

I was a little scared.

smiles4u said...

You really had me scared there for a minute...nothing like watching the discovery channel...now stop watching and go out on a date!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

how come that little shit has such an interesting sex life???

Anonymous said...

oooohhh my Gawd!!! you are a freakin riot!! I just found your blog about a week ago and am totally hooked!!!

Anyway, as I started to read this blog, I did get a little nervous....you see there actually is a man that has two penis's!!! I saw a picture in a Playgirl magazine umpteen years ago. The man was from some country like the Philippines. It was the weirdest thing....so I thought you were headed in that direction and had found that picture some how and was going to start talking about it and them WHAM, you threw me of course!!

Thank you for your witty banter and your freaky side....wish I could say all that you say and get away with it.

Jill

phd in yogurtry said...

The loser gets fat. Sigh. Even in the worm world.

A fascinating post!! Thanks for the science lesson. Did not know any of this.

Fragrant Liar said...

Is that the weirdest mating habit you've seen in a long time? Or ever? I thought it topped the list of the strangest mating habits in nature, and so for your viewing pleasure, I had to present it.

Just as funny were all the comments you guys left me. I can't stop watching the nature shows, because I really MUST be assured that we are not the strangest species on the planet. Some days, that is up for debate. ;)

Fragrant Liar said...

And no, you can't make this stuff up!!

Jen said...

That was weird and kinda reminded me of my marriage in a way. He got to keep his penis.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Have you submitted your version to the Discovery Channel?

Jocelyn said...

I'm not sure your warning was strong enough.

Still reeling here.

Breathe said...

I am so getting you back on match.com

:)