WTF Wednesday: Penis Envy?

Given that it seems to be Penis Week here at Fragrant Liar, I’m going to take you down a dark path. Darker than usual. No, darker. Where it’s slick and wet. And salty. And all kinds of scary – with only a smidgen of hope and light. If you have are weak and wimpy, turn back now. I don’t want to be responsible for your nightmares.

Still with me? Oh, but you are brave.

Let us begin. Imagine that you are a hermaphrodite, half male, half female. (I told you it was dark.) Let’s further imagine – and this is your hope and light – that you have not one but two penises. (Imagine the possibilities when two dicks do the thinking.) You, my hermie friend, have an ego the size of the Great Barrier Reef because you are able to brandish your dexterous penises like swords. But what you do with your rare endowment is crucial. Your actions, Duodicks, will impact your future, and in fact, your species. What will you do in the clutch – what will you do?

Now imagine that you are in your prime, young and virile. Your secret weapons are sheathed beneath you as you cruise and flutter along the sandy ocean bottom in search of action. It is then that you spy another one of your kind, up ahead. It is Pairapricks, looking for a fight, gliding in close. The two of you issue silent but deadly challenges to duel.

You, fearless Duodicks, rise up like a cobra, revealing your mighty twin sabers. “I told you, I’m not doing it!” you shout at your opponent.

“I’m not doing it either!” Pairapricks rumbles, strutting deceivingly like a peacock, for hidden in his underbelly are his own masters of magic, King and Kong. Pairapricks rises up to take you on, both of you brandishing your weapons to and fro, thrusting and poking in a mad, mad flurry of penis fencing and “I know you are, but what am I?” until Pairapricks gets in a lucky jab and with it a fatal goop of ejaculate.

As you realize your failure, the hermie spermies absorb into your pores, awakening your egglets and girly parts; and suddenly you are pregnant. Adding insult to injury, Pairapricks chants, "You are a gi-i-irl, you are a gi-i-irl!" Sadly, Pairapricks' victory ensures his status as the de facto male and you the de facto female -- and also that you will get so fat with babies that you won’t even be able to see those double daggers you’re so proud of. This is your lot in life, Duodicks, for you are the weird marine flatworm (phylum platyhelminthes).

Because I knew you'd want a keepsake of the conception for your babies' scrapbook, I filmed it all for you. Just click here at Our Conception, then sit back and enjoy yourself, like Daddy Pairapricks did. Kind of.

Did I warn you people or what?

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