May 10, 2009

Dear Moms of Mine

Dear Mom,
Since it's Mother's Day, I'd like to thank you for giving me a good start in life, and for always being there for me while I haphazardly tried to undo your deft handiwork as a grown-up. Of course, you gave me the genes for this life, including this organic rebellious streak and stubbornness. Of that, I am betting you will accept ownership. There is much of your nurture involved in my nature. You know what I'm saying, right? Of course you do. Self-awareness and acceptance of who you are is a prominent shared trait.

I am reminded of the moment I discovered you were a real person, and not just an infallible, mythical creature who regularly wielded the last word and tried to coerce me into liking every ugly dress you held up for me in every department store we ever went into. It was when I was about ten and I saw for the first time a family movie -- a soundless reel-to-reel recording of our life -- played in a room full of siblings and relatives. It's so vivid in my mind. The camera panned over to you, wearing your circa 1965 sleeveless dress and short, dark, flipped-ends hair-do, and red, red lips, from which you mouthed very sweetly: Fuck you. I liked that side of you, and I decided you could be as cool as my dad after all. Heh, heh. It's the little things. Even though you didn't always understand me, you accepted me as I am. I love you for that too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Moms Who Are My Daughters,
Since it's Mother's Day, I am proud to say I raised you right, but, um, I guess I could have done a better job in some areas. Like the Nutty Professor, I sometimes failed to predict the results of experimental formulas until surprising results spewed out of my maternal test tubes in a suspicious green haze.

Case in point: The summer night when all four of you were still teenagers, and I kept yelling downstairs, demanding quiet so I could go to sleep and get up for work the next day. I'd have gotten up and walked down there to let you see the ire in my eyes, but I was naked under the covers and not inclined to leave the comfort of my bed. However, you all dissed my edicts repeatedly, until I was so mad, not even my nudity, grogginess, or dignity would keep me from letting you know it. This, I determined, was going to turn out badly for you. You would all have to go to bed now, and transform from inconsiderate, self-centered, hormone-flooded little bitches into the blissfully quiet angels I dreamed of before I actually had children.

In my mind, I saw myself stopping at the halfway point on the staircase, where the top steps were hidden behind a wall, and I would then peel the skin off your hides with my threatening proximity and the severity of my tongue lashing. Oh, you were so going to get it! So off I went, stomping down the stairs, grumbling and gearing up for the meteoric grilling, when my foot slipped on a well-worn spot in the carpet. Upended like a light switch in the "on" position, I landed on my butt on the stairs and bounced, one by one, to the bottom, planting my wobbly bits on the hard chill of foyer tile. Out in the open.

I stood up in the soundlessness that washed over my nakedness, like a deer with headlights, and jabbed one rigid finger in the air at each of you bad, bad, bad, BAD seeds. The words began spewing at high velocity from my mouth, accompanied by giggles I could hardly control because your faces revealed your shock and awe at my unorthodox entrance. In fact, with your eyes trained on the full wrath of your mother's naked effort to make believers out of you, you were speechless. Exactly the sort of golden silence I'd hoped for.

I think I've made my point here. Learn this from my mistakes, daughter mommies of mine: In matters of discipline, always wear pajamas to bed, just in case you need to get up and kick some kidlet ass!

Even though I don't always understand you, I accept you as you are. And even though you don't always understand me either, I hope you try. I love you, my precious beauties.

Happy Mother's Day to All the Moms in My Life!


Kristina P. said...

This is a lovely Mother's Day post! Happy Mother's Day to you!!

Beth said...

OMG! I love your story about falling out naked in front of the kids. I learn so much from your blog.

Excuse me, I need to go buy some pajamas.

Happy Mother's Day!

Anonymous said...

That story could only have been better if you'd bumped your naked ass down the stairs only to find more people in the house than just your girls. LOL Reminded me of my own "naked on the stairs" routine which I still deeply blush just thinking about it as I'm sure my oldest son and his best friend at age 14 do also. Ugh.....motherhood is brutal at times.

Jourdan said...

HA! that really happened?? wow, what a night. I wouldn't have been able to sleep after an entrance like that!! well good on ya mate. Happy Mothers' mother's day!

Unknown said...

You're going to have to really go some to top this post! What a hoot!

I could just see you bopping down each step on your ass, boobs hopping up and down as they tend to do when loose and then giggling at the looks on your daughter's faces and the strange prediciment you 'fell' into. ROFLMAO on this one.

Happy mom's day to ya!

Wunderwoman said...

This is hilarious! Happy Mothers Day.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I will gladly buy a weight loss plastic thingy from you fro $15. But I will need a written guarantee from you that if it doesnt work, you will buy me a PRADA bag!!

Hallie :)

Jason, as himself said...

I love it! You sure showed them, didn't you? I'll bet you never had that particular problem with them again.

Tom Erdman said...

My mother is 85. She says "shit". I think you and she would get along great. That's a compliment to you.

Midlife Roadtripper said...

"ntractable, mythical creature who regularly wielded the last word and tried to coerce me into liking every ugly dress you held up for me in every department store"

Wow, I thought that was only my mom that held up dresses I hated, and then told me my taste was all in my mouth. I guess she wasn't so odd.

Fragrant Liar said...

@KristinaP: Muchas gracias, Ms Snuggie!
@Beth: It is now a beloved family story. I will never live it down.
@Midlife Slices: You really must divulge that story. I'll be looking for it!
@Jourdan: Yes. If only it was the only time I emBAREassed myself -- and my children.
@Gaston: Yes, it was like, sing along with me and follow the bouncing boobs.
@Wunderwoman: Thanks!
@Hallie/Wonderful World of Weiners: Prada Schmada.
@Jason: Yeah, it really worked awesomely well. (sign) If only. Then all that bouncing around might have been worth it. But NO!
@Tom: Shit is my favorite word. Seriously. So I love your mom already.
@Midlife Jobhunter: We still don't have the same tastes in clothing, but she gets me now. THANK. GOD. :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Awwww, this was wonderful - just a great read!!! It's so sweet, I'm having a hard time coming up with something snarky, so I'll settle for sincerity today. Happy Mother's Day to all 3 of your generations over there.

- Margaret

Captain Dumbass said...

Happy Mother's Day.

Unknown said...

This is why our next house will be one story. :D

Fragrant Liar said...

@Nanny Goats: You're so good at snarky! Oh, okay, I'll take the sincerity. Thanks!
@Captain Dumbass: Thank you, thank you very much.
@Breathe: :)) I knew you would be at risk. Good choice on the one-story next.

Michelle Wells Grant said...

Seems like you're always gettin' caught with yur pants down/off.

What a wonderful photo of your family & fun tribute to your mom and daughters.

Anonymous said...

Oops. I often have trouble following directions. I didn't see the above *note* so here's the "sign in as anonymous" test. Previously, I posted under my Google acct.

Michelle Wells Grant

Anonymous said...

love the portrait you painted of your mother

Justine said...

Ah, I loved this post! The visual of you, bouncing down the stairs on your naked ass was just too damn funny. If only someone would have had a camera. Well, not only to memorialize that moment in your life, but also to see the looks on the girls faces!

Justine :o )

Natalie said...

I can see from reading this post, that we are going to be great friends. Just gotta love the visuals.xx♥

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

You're so darling girl!!!
I loved the sweet tribute to your Mom and the story was hysterical.
Hey, I just tell our 4 kiddos that no one ever said they'd make it all the way through childhood without a little therapy later in life. Shuts them up cuz they just don't know what to say, lol.
A happy belated Mother's Day to you :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

shrink on the couch said...

I thought I had successfully gone through all the reasons why sleeping nekkid is a bad idea. You've added one more to my worry-wort list.

Fragrantly well done!

Fragrant Liar said...

@Michelle: You know me well, sister. That stuff follows me around, for some reason.
@Nursemyra: Thank you. My mom is the best.
@Justine: Once you see the looks on their faces, your brain can never erase it. Pretty funny actually. ;)
@Natalie: I can always use friends -- especially kindred spirits.
@Reggie Girl/MMM&R: Right? I mean, who doesn't need therapy these days?
@PhD in Yogurtry: Sorry to be the barer (heh, heh) of bad news, but we really must watch our wobbly bits when the kids are still able to yank our chains. :)

Anna Russell said...

So touching and funny. Happy belated mother's day to you honey :)

Pearl said...

Now THERE'S a visual I'm going to carry with me all day long, you bumping, angry and naked, down the staircase.

You crazy disciplinarian you!


lisahgolden said...

Happy Mother's Day! You kill me.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I would have loved to seen the look on their faces for that. Happy belated Mother's Day.

Roshni said...

I'm trying to picture this!! And, I'll make sure I do not go to bed naked..specially since it'll be teenage boys in may case and I don't want them to get turned off sex!!!

Unknown said...

L O V E it! What a lovely post... Wish my children would be able to pinpoint the first time they knew the first time mommy said the F word... (it an on going thing...) Brillant to snoop around a bit!

sallymandy said...

What a funny post! Thanks for visiting my blog recently. I've enjoyed looking over yours. I like your attitude.

I used to live in Sant Antonio, and miss the hill country of Texas. Loved the wildflowers, the decorations at Christmastime, and, well..the hills.

Have a good week. ♥

Anonymous said...

Peeing myself, gotta go change my shorts now...

CDB said...

Just discovered your blog from Jeanne's at RC. You are the absolute twin of a friend of mine here in D.C.! I totally thought you were her.

Love the Moms post. Love the phallic mushroom post even better!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I hope you had a great Mother's Day! : )

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Wonderful Mom's Day post!! The teen part really hit home. I have that glare down pat, but it doesn't seem to be making any difference...yet.

nikkicrumpet said...

DAMN where is UTube when you really need it! Loved the totally cracked me up. If that had happened to children would STILL be in therapy!

Anonymous said...