May 20, 2009

WTF Wednesday: The Horror!

Yesterday, my friend invited me to attend a Chamber of Commerce mixer with her. "Dress hot," she advised, for good-looking men abound.

Stuck in traffic on I-35, I replied flaccidly, "Awesome," my tone sucking the steam right out of the word. But then it occurred to me that I am still single and could actually meet someone interesting there. I brightened, and accepted her invitation for this evening.

But this morning, upon looking in the mirror, I saw something that made me recoil in horror. A zit. Not just any zit, but a zit positioned prominently on my chin, waving the ugly flag and shouting, Look at me, look at me, LOOK. AT. ME!

It's not enough that I've sprouted the occasional man-whisker (ever since my hormone saturation levels dwindled to the depth of pond scum). Now I have to contend with the haunting glow of a ZITgeist, and there's no exorcising it in time for the mixer -- though Holy Father of Demonomania, I have tried.

I thought getting older meant moving beyond social awkwardness, which is a sure bet to be my calling card for tonight. People will say, "Why don't you zit down over there." And "The economy is in a zitiful state, isn't it?" Or "Oh, zit! Look at the time!" All memory of me in everyone I meet will be -- yes, blemished.

Why is there no zitmus test for your social life where, upon consideration of your RSVP, an instant color would flood your eyes with a "go" or "no-go" signal. Green: Zit-free, baby. Hokey pokey all night! Or, red: Whoa there, Bride of Freddie Krueger! Stay out of the public eye!

Oh, the horror. The horror!
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Update: I just found a nice coffee stain on my crisp white blouse (apparently from nearly falling out of my car this morning). Right. Over. My Left Nipple. OMFG. People won't know whether to not stare at my zitty chin chin or my boob. I am an equal opportunity disaster today.

41 comments:

Stepping Thru said...

I didn't have a Zit problem as a teen, mine waited until I was in my 40's. What's the deal? Wish I had an instant cure for ya. Just cover it up and go have fun!!!!

Julie said...

I don't have zits but I could grow a beard tomorrow. Hell with the female mustache, I would look like Tom Hanks in Castaway if I didn't groom daily.

Menopause SUCKS.

Expat From Hell said...

Yes, a healthy diet of Cadbury Eggs, Blue Bell ice cream, and Miller Genuine Draft will bring out the "best" in us. Don't worry, most of those C of C folks put a lot worse into their bodies, and a lot worse comes out. Of their mouths. Great post. You are a great writer.

EFH

Lorna said...

Hey Fragrant: This is an excellent piece of writing. This should go into a column of Vanity Fair Magazine. Does that magazine still exist?
~Lorna

Kristina P. said...

Are we twins?

blissfully caffeinated said...

I sometimes get this really long bizarre hair that grows out of my shoulder. And I'm certain it's God's way of fucking with me because it doesn't grow out on a regular basis. Sometimes it's twice a year, sometimes 3 years will go by without any shoulder hair growth. Anyway, I'm laughing with you right now. You are laughing about the zit and nipple stain, right? Because if not I would be laughting at you. Which would be very, very wrong.

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

Don't feel bad. I accept zits and nipple stains as a matter of course. Neither are ever a surprise to me.

I'm sure you'll meet a wonderful blind man at the mixer. ;)

Chairman Bill said...

A zit means you're youthful..... or just have baaaaad hygiene.

Jan said...

Look on the bright side, dear - you could be cursed with my ass, as well.

Michel said...

oh man! The dreaded double disaster. Nipple-zit combo. It is the worst. You have my sympathy.

Clearly, you have done something to piss god off. I'm not sure what, but you should probably say sorry before your ass expands like mine did.

daisyfae said...

leaver your trousers unzipped to complete the look... maybe some toilet paper stuck to a shoe?

creative kerfuffle said...

yeah, why can't the zits, stains and whiskers wait for a day when you don't have to meet people? sheesh. getting old blows.

Sarah Lulu said...

HaHa ...I can't wait for details now of what happened...

Pehaps the nipple ...stain was provided by God to distract from the zit?

Gaston Studio said...

I agree with Lorna, an excellent piece of writing that belongs in a famous woman's magazine... try selling it!!!

You've got the latest Writer's Market, right??

Gaston Studio said...

Just thought I'd also mention that if you didn't go to the chamber thingie, then your soul mate man wasn't there.

Tootsie said...

OMG!!! you are so funny! I have had about 5 zits in my lifetime...and they were all at the worst possible times!
The nipple stain is too funny to even comment on...do you have a tide pen? that might help..but will leave some wet behind to make for even more humiliation!
have fun tonight...hopefully you won't attract some interesting slob to your area!

♥Trina♥ said...

ROFLMAO My hubby asked what was so funny. Since he wouldn't find the humor in it, not having to worry about zits/nipple stains/unwanted hair growth, I didn't read it to him.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm here from Jule's blog. I'm now a follower. You're too funny but you're telling the truth. Those darn zits come out of nowhere. It's almost like the Alien vs Predator movie...can't get rid of 'em for nothing. Although, my daughter swears by aspirin mushed in water and put on like a paste. It will make the swelling go down. Also, according to Bobby Brown (not the makeup lady but the tore up hip hop dude), you can use Preparation H and it will make it disappear. (Never tried it though.)

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I'm just waiting to hear how it went!!!

drollgirl said...

god. i am 38 and still get the zits sometimes. that is fucking bogus. trying to treat wrinkles AND zits? very unfair.

but i hope you had a blast and met some super dudes. i am not sure if that is possible at a chamber of commerce meeting.bhahahah! i had to attend a coc mixer once before, much to my horror.

Beth said...

I get more damn zits now as an adult than I ever did as a teen.

And you are hilarious! I love that you are an equal opportunity disaster.

darsden said...

case of benjamin button babe' you are getting younger...embrace the change :-))

Missy said...

I think I am receiving a zit on the chin for every sin I have committed! I have three now! I am thinking of names, they have been there so long!

Musings of the Mrs. said...

Great Post. It is such social karma. Zits, chin hairs, coffee stains. Ripe for a great night out on the town.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Well, I'm older than you and found a zit on my chin last week. Cripes! Can I get a little dignity here??

DI
The Blue Ridge Gal

morethananelectrician said...

This is the perfect place for a "wardrobe malfunction"...nothing else will be noticed at all...

Tom Erdman said...

I've kind of had a rule for myself when this kind of thing happens. Show everyone. Make it the focal point. That sort of self assurance is sexy and you'd pull it off.

Captain Dumbass said...

That is impressive. What the hell is with the adult acne? Seriously. Like we haven't suffered enough?

San Diego Momma said...

I think God took pity on you and put that coffee stain on your crisp white boob to deflect the zit gazes.

Nancy said...

It's 3:30 am, I can't sleep and nowthis just got me laughing so hard, I am W I D E awake ... thanks, I think!

Please do follow up ;)

Justine said...

OMG, your play on words were just too damn funny! Thanks for the giggle.

Justine :o )

The Dental Maven said...

We can put a man on the moon but we can't find an instant cure for zits! Sheeesh.

Belle said...

Go anyway! If he likes you with the Zitface, marry him!

Lisa said...

Please pass the Clearasil. Something has erupted just below my lip. I swear, I had ten zits during adolescence. Why now?

Danica said...

Zit-tastic!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Ok, you need to write the next post on how it all went. And if it makes you feel any better, I have a zit, too. Must mean I'm not in menopause after all.

Jocelyn said...

Here's the thing: if you're not puttin' on the shine, then there's no disappointment awaiting the man who is taken with you, right? He'll know from the start that you're--gasp--human.

Zits and all.

Jason, as himself said...

So funny. Every once in a while I get a big old red zit right on the end of my nose. Yes, I look just like Rudolph.

Fortunately, I don't get zits that much anywhere else. Not anymore!

Fragrant Liar said...

@Stepping Thru: Alas, no fun for me. I'm going to the next mixer.
@Julie: You got that right, sister. Menopause SUCKS.
@Expat From Hell: Thank you so much! And right back atchya.
@Lorna: Thanks a bunch. One of these days, I'll submit something.
@Kristina P.: We MIGHT be twins. Do you grow coffee nipple stains? :)
@blissfully caffeinated: That is bizarre, all right. :)
@The Devil's Daughter-In-Law: That's the problem, I'm not looking for a blind man. But now I'm thinking I should!
@Chairman Bill: Shut up! I'm going with youthful.
@Jan: Alas, I am cursed with my own fat ass.
@Michel: Yes, disasters are like boobs; they travel in pairs.
@daisyfae: Heh, heh. The old unzipped trousers, TP on your shoe trick. I should have remembered!
@creative kerfuffle: Getting old blows, that's for sure.
@Sarah Lulu: Gift from god? That's not very nice! Alas, I begged off. I'm going to the next mixer though! And I'll let you know how it goes.

Fragrant Liar said...

@Gaston Studio: Thank you mucho. And I have to believe you're absolutely right. If I didn't go to the chamber thingie, then my soul mate wasn't there.
@Tootsie: I should start carrying a Tide pen around with me, for sure.
@♥Trina♥ : What? You don't think he'd understand our female plight? Bastard! See, they don't even WANT to understand us . . . :)
@Chocolate Covered Daydreams: That's right. @Alien vs. Predator – Chin Whisker vs. Chin Zit. If I carried around some PrepH, just in case, that would surely be the time some hottie would need to check my purse for something, and there it'd be: hemorrhoid cream. Kind of a buzz kill.
@Roshni Mitra Chintalapati: I'll let you know how the next mixer goes. :)
@drollgirl: Yeah, I know. Chamber mixer. Sounds like it, well, sounds. Booooring. But I'm giving it a shot because there aren't too many other places to meet people.
@Beth: That's me, equal opportunity disaster. Gotta, um, love that . . .
@darsden: I WISH!! Getting younger would be a dream, as long as the anti-aging stopped at about 30.
@Missy: If I got a zit for every "sin" I committed, my face would look like hamburger. Too many to name! But that COULD take the sting out of it, right? Give 'em names.
@Musings of the Mrs.: Social karma. I knew it would come back to bite me on the . . . face? Boob? Oh yeah, ass. Cuz there's a whole lot more room for biting there.
@The Blue Ridge Gal: That's it. My dignity is full of pock marks. Shit. I'm glad I'm not alone. :)
@morethananelectrician: Oh, now THAT's a great idea. An innocent, totally spontaneous, accidental wardrobe malfunction. I like it.

Fragrant Liar said...

@Tom Erdman: Great idea. Make it the focal point. Sexy and disgusting. Hmmm. Thanks for the confidence in me, though. :)
@Captain Dumbass: Yes, we have suffered enough. Hey, wait! Are you trying to tell me you men have suffered as much as we womenfolk? Hmmm.
@San Diego Momma: God has a strange way of showing his pity. Maybe it was just pity for me in general and he said, what the hell, doesn't matter with that one anyway… Ya think?
@Nancy: I am sorry to make you laugh when you would rather be sleeping. Not!
@Justine: In the immortal words of Rick James, "She's a very punny girl. The kind you don't take home to mutha..."
@The Dental Maven: Right? Where is NASA when we need them?
@Belle: If I could have gotten past my vanity, I would have gone anyway. But I want my men to have standards! :)
@Lisa: God is a mean mistress.
@Danica: More like BullZIT!
@Midlife Jobhunter: YOU have a zit? You have great skin. I will post on the next mixer I go to. This one was a bust before I ever left the building.
@Jocelyn: A little TOO human. If he doesn't think I'm perfect, I'll just get lazy.
@Jason, as himself: Jason the Rednosed Reindeer! I know that song! At least I never got zits on my back. Ick.