May 14, 2009

Panties in a Bunch

A few years ago, I was part of the coolest chain letter scheme ever. EVER!

The deal was this: when you received your chain letter, it contained a list of ten women, and you were to return the letter to the first person on the list. The kicker was that you returned it to this woman with the size and style of brand-spanking-new panties that she specified by her name. (Yes, not only was her name there, but the size of her butt -- in panty vernacular). Then you sent the letter to ten more people and added your name and panty preferences to the bottom of the list. The idea is that the next person to receive a letter with your name on the TOP of the list sends you some brand-spanking-new panties!

I hesitated for all of five seconds -- totally embarrassed, of course (eh, heh, heh -- I do crack myself up. Where-oh-where has my modesty gone? Mom, did I ever have modesty? Oh yeah, puberty). But off I went to the mall in search of size 8 cotton bikini undies. I bought a cute pair for about $10 and sent it to the lucky lady at the top of the list plus ten more letters to select recipients with my name at the bottom. If they each send it to ten women and then those women send it to another ten each, well, the possibilities are endless! I could get panties from Fiji!

So I waited. And waited. And waited. Until one evening after work, a puffy manila envelope sat on the kitchen counter waiting for me! That's weird, I thought, having nearly forgotten about my little foray into panty mail (no jokes about snail mail, please -- that's just rude). I opened my package and there they were: a lacy pair of pink thongs! I heard a choir of angels singing from on high. I squealed. Woo-hoo! I got undies in the mail! I held them up for everyone in my family and showed them off. Check these out! Somebody sent me underwear!

"Ew!" Was the reaction I got.
Me: What? They have the tags on! They've never been worn!
Them: Ew!
Me (twirling them in the air and singing): You're je-e-ealous, you're je-e-ealous. Cuz I got u-u-undies in the mailbox, and you didn't. And I'm taking 'em for a spin. And you're no-o-o-ot.

The next day, I told my coworkers. They shook their heads. "Underwear from strangers? That's just wrong," they said. And, "You're weird." But I would not be brought down to their level of cynicism. My panties were gifts from the universe. Or at least some woman who got that chain letter with my name at the top of the list.

And then something miraculous happened. I got another pair of brand-spanking-new panties in the mail. This time a stretchy gold lamé thong -- we're talking the Cadillac of lingerie. A few days later I got two packages, each with a sleek new thong. The following day I got a fifth pair. Soon I began running gleefully to the mailbox after work, eager for the day's sexy surprise. Over the next three weeks, I acquired about 14 new pairs of thongs from total strangers! It was like panties from Heaven. Blossoming in butt-floss, I supplanted my old raggedy panties with these lovelies. Not bad for my $10 investment, huh?

I was sad when it all came to an end. It was pathetic really. I'd be standing there, staring into an empty mailbox, whimpering, like a crackhead whose dealer had just croaked. Somebody broke the chain. Somebody let me down. Somebody thought it was icky and wouldn't play. If only I knew her name. I'd send her a letter -- and I'm not telling what I'd put in it.
.

36 comments:

Kristina P. said...

That is hilarious! I would love to get that kind of chain letter!

Gaston Studio said...

Man, you're so lucky! I've never been involved in a chain letter that somebody didn't break... before I got my goodies!

That was way cool that you go so many!

blognut said...

You have to get that chain letter going again. I'm thinking if you collect some names and addresses from your bloggy sisters, we could make this thing happen!

I totally want undies from Fiji.

darsden said...

That is hilarious how fun for you... I would never release my butt size LOL!

Blognut-dangit you beat me again...chit

MamabearMills said...

youd send her some snail mail wouldn't you???

Justine said...

Oh, you are SO lying about this one!!!!!!!!! I don't believe it, even for a second!

Justine :o )

daisyfae said...

i LOVE this. played it with silly socks once, and used books another time. neither time did it pan out... i got one pair of socks and one book (a western... *shudder*).

Wunderwoman said...

All I can say is ewww, how do you know they didn't try them on before they sent them, ewww!! LOL

DebraLSchubert said...

Good for you! Sounds like panty heaven! I've never participated in a chain letter - always figured they wouldn't pan out. Lucky for you, I was wrong!

smiles4u said...

I took part in the exact same chain letter some years ago, but I didn't get one stinkin pair of panties. I remember when chain letters like this were pretty common. I should probally shut up because that is like saying I am pretty old....lol.

Vic said...

Did anyone ask for granny panties? Then you could fold them and fold them and fold them before you put them in the envelope. :)

morethananelectrician said...

Can I have the list...maybe I'll start a chain letter to these ladies to have them send me their panties.

I wouldn't do such a thing, but, for the sake of humor...it needed to be said.

Tom Erdman said...

This looks to be the Ponzi Panty Scheme....or the Panty Ponzi Scheme. And for the person who "didn't get one stinkin pair of panties"; those are the kind you don't want.

Sarah Lulu said...

Ok now that was a crazy story ...strangely I feel so drawn now to starting a chain letter!

blissfully caffeinated said...

I totally did the underwear chain letter a few years ago. I sent out really cute cotton Gap thongs, but sadly, I only got one pair back and I didn't really like them that much. I would have been stoked to get some Hanky Panky's like the picture. Oh well.

Michel said...

That honestly sounds like the best chain letter EVER! It would seriously be exciting. I think I might actually DO that (but not from here b/c i haven't really figured out how to mail yet - it involves walking to an annex, talking to a foreigner, you know...too much!)

I'm sorry your panty fountain ran out.

Selaen said...

oh how awesome is that!! I think you should start it up again!

I've never taken part in chain letters because i naturally thought they just wouldn't work... :P

xx

Beth said...

I've never heard of getting panties from strangers. Recipes, yes. Panties, wow!

Natalie said...

Hee,hee,hee,hee, Snort! too funny!

The Jules said...

Wonder how may pervs were in that chain?

My name is "Mrs" Irma Notaman and I'd like some unwashed undercrackers to the above address please.

The Dental Maven said...

SHAME ON the one who broke the panty chain!

Shana said...

I got that chain letter once and dutifully bought and sent a pair of panties..... and got NONE in return. Boohoo.

Julie said...

I think that's hilarious! Get it going again, I'm in!!!!!

foxy said...

hey - i think i was part of that chain... IN FACT, i think your name was at the top of my list. so, one of those panties MUST have been from me! but i never got nothin'... WTF?

we need a do-over.

Beth said...

OMG...too funny!! Thanks for the morning laugh!

Mary Beth Hearne said...

I love it! I need some new sexy panties..hum.....

Vegas Linda Lou said...

My panties were gifts from the universe.By FAR the best line I've come across in ages. And I'm so glad I'm not the only old bat who wears thongs. (Not that you're an old bat.) (You know what I mean.)

Funny post!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"It was like panties from Heaven. Blossoming in butt-floss, I supplanted my old raggedy panties with these lovelies."

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Great post!

jewelryandgiftsbyrebecca said...

Maybe it was the panties that made it work. I've tried for socks...nothing, stickers for the kiddos...nothing, little hair clips...nothing. Aw man...What's up????
You must just be lucky

STILLMAGNOLIA said...

I am doing a paperback book letter right now....supposedly I will get 36 books back from this...yeah right. I don't think I would have put panty information on a piece of paper...nope...would not have happened. I am glad you got 14 pair though....that was a good deal.

GingerJar said...

How funny. Maybe it's the butt floss thing...panties from Heaven...I could totally do that chain letter.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I wish I had been part of that chain. I need underwear really really badly. Not sure about a thong, although I guess it would do in a pinch.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

You get all the good stuff. I got a dish towel chain letter.

Fragrant Liar said...

I wouldn't know how to start one of these, but it would be all kinds of fun, trust me on that. As Tom Erdman says, we could call it a Ponzi Panty Scheme. :) The problem with chain letters is that somebody inevitably breaks the chain and then somebody doesn't get her new underwear. Boo-hoo.

Foxy! I DID get panties from you! I don't remember what they looked like now (you've seen one, you've seen them all...) but I'm sure they were awesome!

nikkicrumpet said...

Thongs from heaven....I saw that movie..isn't it the one starring Julia Roberts? I'm cracking up...or should that be buttcracking up...a panty chain letter...now I think I've heard everything!

creative kerfuffle said...

lol, this is hysterical! i got a chain letter once but it was for dishtowels. sadly i didn't participate. now i'm thinking i need to start a chain letter!