May 27, 2009

WTF Wednesday: Tingly's Not Good?

Sorry, no. Tingly bad.

You thought butt cleavage and camel toe were the bane of trendy women. I'm here today in public service mode to talk about the heartbreak of tingly thighs.

Here, take this quiz so we can get on with it:

  1. Are your thighs tingly?
  2. Are your thighs numb?
  3. Are your thighs burning?
Oh stop it! We're not talking porn, people. This is serious. On occasion, even I have tingly thighs, or to put it in medical terms: Tingling Thighs Syndrome, or to put it in unintelligibly scientific terms: meralgia paresthetica.

No, this has nothing to do with microscopic parasites scuttling gleefully between your legs. That would be crabs. (All right, raise your hand if that crossed your mind. Michel, being in Sudan does not prevent me from seeing you in the corner giggling. Mesopotamia my ass.) No, tingly thighs has nothing to do with bugs and everything to do with low-cut, skinny jeans.

My sister hipsters, wearing those tight jeans is liable to cause strange and nonsensical disturbances in your thighs -- specifically, the outer part of your thighs -- that can last up to six weeks (once you cut them off with scissors, I assume, because if you keep wearing them, tingliness will be on this, like, continuum or something). Anyway, constant pressure from the skin-tight denim compresses the peripheral nerve, or the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve. (Heh, heh, I think Mensa is trying to reach me right now).

So some news report by somebody somewhere said that in most cases the condition can be relieved by wearing looser clothing. Phhht, looser clothing. Do these people know how hard it is to get a man to look at your ass, let alone your thighs, when you're wearing your great grandma's frumpy dumpy jeans? Don't they know there's a reason god invented skin-tight jeans? It's called BAIT!

So as part of my public service schtick, for which you may provide me monetary compensation by clicking some ad somewhere on this page, I must advise you that you wear trendy skin-tight hipsters at your own risk. I know I will!

And yes, tingly thighs can happen to men too. I ain't namin' names, but you know who you are.

35 comments:

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Hysterical........and while we're on the subject of tight jeans, when oh when will the really "pleasantly plump" gals realize that low rise = not a good idea perhaps?? I'm just sayin....
Hey, please go add a caption to my "Not So Wordless Wednesday"......

Steady On
Reggie Girl

The Jules said...

To be honest, all this baiting of us weak-willed chaps isn't helpful you know. It's harder for men not to look at ladies arses.

In fact, I think that was why boobs were invented. As a distraction.

Also. . . ooh, boobs . . .

Elena said...

Camel toe...brought to you by the makers of the muffin top (and Vagisil.) Oh, the advantages of being a druid...or a monk...

nursemyra said...

Hmmm.... sounds like a daytime version of my nightime affliction - restless leg syndrome

Dave King said...

Nope, I don't have any of they troubles!

AirmanMom said...

fl...such a fine public servant announcement!!! I work at a garden center in a rather elite area... one common theme; money can't buy taste. If you're over 50, give it up...those tight jeans and low cut tops, simply make you look ridiculous, not classy and certainly not young. You had your day, get over it. Showing your thong over the age of 18, is simply in poor (trashy) taste.
Fun Post!
~AM

Gaston Studio said...

The price women pay... did you know that waists began getting larger after the spate of "hip huggers" we all wore back in the 60s? Yep, simply because there was nothing holding the waist in and 'molding' it! Wonder what will be the result of skin tight jeans? Constant vibrations of the thighs comes to mind, but seems to me that could be a really good result for the opposite sex if you get my meaning.

Nancy said...

Being over 50, I concur with AirmanMom. Lose the tight-ass, thong showing jeans. I try to put my arse someplace between hip tight jeans and mom (ugh) jeans. Old school Levis seem to work.

I'd rather use my brain for bait than my ass ... I fear using an ass only catches an ass ;)

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

Okay, for a second I thought you meant cutting your THIGHS off with scissors. (Which I have totally NEVER contemplated and I've never even dreamed of lobbing off my muffin top, either!)

blognut said...

I gotta tell ya', I'm not really at risk for this. Nobody wants to see my ass, or my thighs, in skinny jeans, so I don't wear them.

If you ever hear reports of people in Illinois running around stabbing themselves in the eyes with sharp objects, you'll know I've changed my mind about the skinny jeans.

nothingfancy1 said...

And here I was worried about muffin tops. Sheesh...always something to worry about....

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Lol, I wish people would simply look in the mirror BEFORE heading out the door, and look at the front and the back. It's not hard looking at your rear.
1) Using a small mirror, stand with your back facing mirror
2) Hold up mirror so you can get a good look at what the hell is happening back there.
3) Now, go make adjustments!
Sheesh...not that difficult people!

BTW, thank you for stopping by and following me :).

♥ Braja said...

I'm so glad you're also over Mensa....
xx

nikkicrumpet said...

*SNORT* bait.....that was a seriously funny line in a sea of funny stuff. I ♥ you

Sharing the INSANITY said...

Because my a.. and thighs being the size they are I have never and I quote "N E V E R" been able to squeeze into a pair of low cut skinny jeans nor have I felt "tingly thighs". (Except the few times I have tried to exercise and my fat cells said "What the heck is this shakin' all about!" Boy did the thighs tingle then!)

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Tight jeans on men? What a flippin' turn off.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Anna Russell said...

Being pear shaped, I get them whatever shap of jeans I wear because if I want them to fit on the waist, I have to hoist them over my knees with a crane. If they fit on my hip and thighs, then they fall off my waist, and butt cleavage it is.
FL, I think you should start a campaign about this.

Comedy Goddess said...

I just wish for lipo and a tummy tuck. That's why I play Powerball.

Belle said...

What would we do without you looking out for us?

Kristina P. said...

Damn! This explains so much in my life.

Jan said...

I do not have tingly thighs because of my pants. Okay, I was going to say I don't have tingly thighs at all, but you know Beloved sometimes follows me around to all y'all's blogs and it just wouldn't do for him to see me say I don't have tingly thighs.

I have tingly thighs. Just not due to my pants.

Michel said...

HOLY SHIT! did you see what Jane said!?!!? I couldn't even finish reading any of the other comments I was so flabbergasted!

DO YOU THINK WE MIGHT HAVE YET ANOTHER CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT!?!?!? Are those jeans the reason I have a muffin top and not because of my penchant for cake?!?!?!

mmm....cake.

travel girl said...

I second the comment on tight jeans on men is a turn off!!

I loves me a nice, tight pair of jeans. Lycra is needed, however to appear tight but not really *tight*.

Divine Chaos said...

I'll stick with leggings ... it keeps the tingly thighs from happening. well, ya know, the ones that happen because of pants :p

Midlife Mama said...

*snicker* "bait" ..... ROFL

That's hilarious. True but hilarious. Great post.

Karyn - (French Charming) said...

NEVER when I have heard the words butt cleavage and camel toe did I think I would end up laughing my ass off! How do you make something so wrong...so damn funny! I have had to ban myself from reading your blog at work, I find it impossible not to laugh hysterically in my tiny cubicle and the boss will certainly know that I'm not working because trust me there ain't nothing funny going on there!

Well thanks for the comic relief...I'm off now to click all your ads.

Hugs,
Karyn

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

ok, I'll wear skin tight jeans ripped at the 'appropriate' places to prevent tingliness!!

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Hmmmm, all in the pursuit of fashion.

Anna Liffen said...

Tingliness definitely worth it. All part of the effort!

Justine said...

Okay, now I've heard it all. You may think I come here for your stellar writing and witty-ness. Nope, I'm here to learn stupid shit I didn't need to know but love learning.

Justine :o )

Nora Johnson said...

Hi Fragrant Liar!

Thought you might like to know there's a special, limited offer over at my place!

Great post above!

Take care

Nora:)

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm glad you can all appreciate my PSA skillz. Where else can you be weirdly entertained and mercilessly informed? I do what I can.

Jocelyn said...

Because you used some very impressive scientific sounding words, I know all this is true. (or so my community college students would think...)

I'm pretty sure Russell Brand has tingly thighs.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

And I thought I was having an orgasm. Dammit.

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