May 17, 2009

Pants on Fire: Part Deux

Thanks for guessing, y'all! And glad to know I'm not alone in stories of my youthful miscreance. But now it's time to come clean. Here are the verdicts:

  1. I once got caught doing it with my boyfriend on the 17th hole of Moon Valley CC golf course late at night. The greens keeper drove up in his ultra quiet golf cart and warned us, with a toothy grin, that the sprinklers were about to come on and we ought to move in a hurry if we wanted to stay dry. VERDICT: True, but it wasn't the 17th hole.
  2. I once got caught doing it with my boyfriend on the shore of a quiet city lake late at night. The sheriff and his deputy tip-toed over a ridge to find us, brandishing badges and a really bright flashlight. Sheriff suggested we get dressed and consider abstinence since we were so young (Hey, I was legal!). VERDICT: True, but sheriff did not suggest abstinence.
  3. I once got caught doing it with my boyfriend in his bedroom by his eighty-plus-year-old grandma, who freaked and kicked me out of the house, then tattled to his parents. I fixed her by marrying him. VERDICT: True, but Grandma did not kick me out.
So the fact is, they are ALL true but for one eensy-weensy, itty-bitty, kinda-white lie. Guess my pants are on FIRE! Is that bad?
Surprised about the verdicts? Did you forget where you were? Hello-o-o-o!
F-R-A-G-R-A-N-T L-I-A-R
And just to tame the curiously wandering minds out there, the referenced boyfriend and I dated from the time I was 18 through 20, when we got married. He is the "father" of my four children. [I use that term lightly, since when I divorced him after some years of abusive behavior, he went into hiding and became the pillar of Deadbeat Society. It was almost always just me and the girls.]

33 comments:

darsden said...

dang I am so confused..thought one was suppose to be a lie...I am going to set you pants of fire for that!!!

Sarah Lulu said...

AAAAAAAAAhhhaaaaaaaaa I thought the Grandmother bit was a lie!

Still at least you have had some fun.

I'm going to be more scandalous in my maturing years ahahaha

Leesa said...

Wow, getting caught so many times. Quite a bit of wildness in your lovin' locations.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You so got us.

Beth said...

I missed the first post but I would have guessed #3 to be the truth. Or maybe #1. Dammnit! This is hard!

You are a randy little thing, eh? You guys just needed a car and a good spot in the woods.

The Jules said...

I once caught a friend of mine doing it in a layby with his girlfirend, although what really irked me is that he'd nicked my space.

We had to find somewhere else.

♥ Braja said...

Well, hell, your banner has the word LIAR in it :) What did we expect? :))

smiles4u said...

Well at least I said all of them sound believable coming from you...lol.

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

How can one not guess prefacing everything with Liar, Liar pants on fire...and I really, really think that has another meaning..pants on fire. Didn't your Granny or the sheriff or the greens keeper tell you that doesn't put the fire out??

Gaston Studio said...

You totally got me! I was sure it was #1, but see, I should have more coffee before making a final decision!

midlife slices said...

That's a lot of getting caught "doing it", girl. Have you no.......talent for hiding better? This comment is for the last 3 posts since I'm so far behind, btw. You are the first person I've ever knows that one of those chain letters actually netted some good booty. (yes, pun intended) Why didn't you send me that letter? I hate them but if I got 14 pair of undies out of it, I'd be sending out 30 letters. :)

Julie said...

Just refer to him as the sperm donor. That's usually pretty descriptive...

morethananelectrician said...

I'm just sayin' you could have gotten a tick or something from doing it outside. I had a tick in a "bad location" once...

Once!

STILLMAGNOLIA said...

Hey...some of us have to learn lesson's the hard way. Loved the post. Thanks for sharing...you are far braver than I am.

blognut said...

FYI - The pants on fire picture scarred me for life. At first, they looked more shit-stained than burned and I thought, "Who would light shitty panties on fire, and what must that smell like?"

I'm okay now, but there will be therapy.

Tootsie said...

I have been lurking your blog for a while now and I think it is time to come "out" so to speak.
I love your humor...this was a cool post...I will be back again and again I am sure!
oh and welcome to my blog list!

phd in yogurtry said...

Ah well, so much for using plant biology. someone did call you on johnny law using the word abstinence. so there's your winner?

Tom Erdman said...

and you lie with such a straight face...my new hero

Jenni Jiggety said...

You naughty minx! I have never been caught in that particular act...or at least if I've been caught the person who caught me kept their mouth shut!

bernthis said...

some guys really are only good for one thing, I mean nothing. What an asshole

Ann's Rants said...

You are a wild child, Fragrant Liar and Humper-in-public!

Justine said...

So these were all lies too? I'm so damn confused!

Justine :o )

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

I missed the original post . . . but wow!

Keely said...

Hm, you're a bit of an 'al fresco' kinda girl, huh? Nice 'lies'! ;)

Reinventing Dad said...

Hell, I've never been caught in the act, but then again I doubt anybody was ever looking :)

nikkicrumpet said...

You need to find better hiding places to do the big nasty lol....you kept getting caught!!!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Oh you're a naughty naughty liar!!! *laffs*

blessings!

Jill said...

It seems that you have been doing the Humpty dance in all the wrong places.. lmao!

WhisperingWriter said...

Is it wrong that after I read this all I can think was "bow chicka bow bow?"

Divine Chaos said...

How the hell did you manage to get caught SO many times? *laughs*



by the way, it'll make ya feel better to call him "the sperm donor" ... that's what I call my ex :p

Fragrant Liar said...

@darsden: Sorry, pants are SO on fire!
@Sarah Lulu: It's never too late to be scandalous!
@Leesa: I don't know why we got caught so many times. Guess Fate knew I'd need blog fodder one day.
@Pseudonymous High School Teacher: Gotcha!
@Beth: Randy? No doubt about it. We were full of unspent hormones. If only we could have fit into the back seat of his Z.
@The Jules: that's the trick of it: finding the space when you're still living with your parents!
@ ♥ Braja:  That's right. What did you expect?
@smiles4u: You should probably be pronounced the Winner!
@Alicia @ boylerpf: That boy's pants were always "on fire."
@Gaston Studio: Coffee and decisions go together like golf balls and clubs!
@midlife slices: Absolutely no talent for hiding THEN . . . I have learned.
@Julie: Yes, that's all he was in the end. Successful sperm donor.
@morethananelectrician: A tick in a back location? Do tell!
@STILLMAGNOLIA: I have always been one to learn the hard way. Especially in this case . . .
@blognut: Sorry about the burning pants. Nothing in side, I'm sure. Not anymore!
@Tootsie: I'm so glad you came out from lurking. And thanks for reading!
@phd in yogurtry: I think Smiles4U was the closest, having accused me of telling the truth!
@Tom Erdman: I am indeed the queen of poker faces.
@Jenni Jiggety: It's better not to know. ;)
@bernthis: Yes, in the end, he was just another asshole.
@Ann's Rants: That's me, Singlegirl Humberdink.
@Justine: Stay with us now, Tiney. They were all TRUE, with caveats . . .
@Elaine at Lipstickdaily: This post would have caught you up to date. 
@Keely: Al fresco? I like that. I'll take it.
@Reinventing Dad: Never been caught? Maybe you never KNEW they were looking.
@nikkicrumpet: Nikki, alas, it's difficult when you're still under your parents' roof, so to speak. Where else can one go, but the great outdoors.
@SweetPeaSurry: Did you just call me naughty??? Thanks!
@Jill: Yes, there's a song about that, isn't there? Looking for love in all the wrong places . . .
@WhisperingWriter: Bow chicka bow wow!
@Divine Chaos: I just seem to have a knack for it. Getting caught, that is.

Michel said...

ok..I am just now able to comment on this lie-tastic array!! SNAPS to you sister!

Although, have you ever thought of maybe getting a hotel room?? I'm not saying I'm a prude or anything, but they don't call me sister mary michel for nothing. I'm just sayin... ho! :)

Fragrant Liar said...

@Sister Mary Michel: Thou art much holier than I, and to-the-moon holier than him. Besides, we were broke back then. Now? Room service please!