Queen of the Universe

I am a writer. This interminable affliction has spread just about like my butt over the years. Not only do I create the silliness on this blog, but I am a serious novelist. Well, "serious" is not really a large part of my vocabulary (unless I use it like Seriously, dude! In which case, I'm probably not serious). But I can get real serious about writing humor. Even the fact-based features I wrote for Playgirl (yes, it still exists) were loaded with wry puns and turns of phrase. But my heart is in novels. As an instant gratification bitch, you'd think I would pooh-pooh the raw titillation that is 300 pages of fingerbanging a keyboard. But I do like a challenge. It's kind of like the difference between slow, steamy, thorough, tantric sex and a quickie. Ya gotta trade off once in a while. Seriously.

Here are the top 10 reasons I get jazzed about writing:

1. I get to make up stories about people in quirky situations and conversations that make me laugh. Gives me an endorphin buzz cuz I crack myself up.
2. I get to say things through my characters to people about their wrongdoings that I wish I had the presence and quickness of mind to say in real life at the moment the wrongdoing occurs. Like, Hey you, skanky girl, did you just cut in front of me? And I WILL write about you.
3. I get to immerse myself in new worlds, adventures, and misadventures, and form tight bonds of friendships, and fantasize sex scenes. Screw you, Match.com!
4. I get to leave my desk after a productive bout of writing, especially after I've been "in flow," with a huge sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I beat on my chest and yell like Tarzan. The cat loves it.
5. I get the chance to work out life's little complexities, uncovering the right words with the right nuances that give me those revealing "ah-has!" And for about 60 seconds, I think I'm a real smarty pants.
6. I get to figure out what motivates people (real and fiction) to behave in ways others might not understand, and then dole out the reasons in bits of personality, history, and (gasp!) deep, dark family secrets. Bwa-ah-ah!
7. I get to fool people into thinking the story is going one direction (Hey, what's around this corner?) and surprise them when it goes in another. BOO!
8. I get to experience every range of my characters' emotions, from pain to titillation (I just like saying titillation), joy to sorrow, excitement to dread. I always loved the teeter-totter, too. When I was a kid, I mean.
9. I get to be immersed in a new romance, first dates, first kisses, and first sex. It's my job to kiss and tell!
10. I get to be in charge! From a character's appearance to his actions. I am the unequivocal Queen of the Universe!

As much as writing jazzes me, it also takes it out of me. But in a good way, like jogging ten miles (now that IS funny). But sometimes my mind won't let it go, and I'll dream about something I can use in the story, which usually keeps me awake, staring at the ceiling. Usually a damn sex scene . . . Seriously.

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