May 12, 2009

Queen of the Universe

I am a writer. This interminable affliction has spread just about like my butt over the years. Not only do I create the silliness on this blog, but I am a serious novelist. Well, "serious" is not really a large part of my vocabulary (unless I use it like Seriously, dude! In which case, I'm probably not serious). But I can get real serious about writing humor. Even the fact-based features I wrote for Playgirl (yes, it still exists) were loaded with wry puns and turns of phrase. But my heart is in novels. As an instant gratification bitch, you'd think I would pooh-pooh the raw titillation that is 300 pages of fingerbanging a keyboard. But I do like a challenge. It's kind of like the difference between slow, steamy, thorough, tantric sex and a quickie. Ya gotta trade off once in a while. Seriously.

Here are the top 10 reasons I get jazzed about writing:

  1. I get to make up stories about people in quirky situations and conversations that make me laugh. Gives me an endorphin buzz cuz I crack myself up.
  2. I get to say things through my characters to people about their wrongdoings that I wish I had the presence and quickness of mind to say in real life at the moment the wrongdoing occurs. Like, Hey you, skanky girl, did you just cut in front of me? And I WILL write about you.
  3. I get to immerse myself in new worlds, adventures, and misadventures, and form tight bonds of friendships, and fantasize sex scenes. Screw you, Match.com!
  4. I get to leave my desk after a productive bout of writing, especially after I've been "in flow," with a huge sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I beat on my chest and yell like Tarzan. The cat loves it.
  5. I get the chance to work out life's little complexities, uncovering the right words with the right nuances that give me those revealing "ah-has!" And for about 60 seconds, I think I'm a real smarty pants.
  6. I get to figure out what motivates people (real and fiction) to behave in ways others might not understand, and then dole out the reasons in bits of personality, history, and (gasp!) deep, dark family secrets. Bwa-ah-ah!
  7. I get to fool people into thinking the story is going one direction (Hey, what's around this corner?) and surprise them when it goes in another. BOO!
  8. I get to experience every range of my characters' emotions, from pain to titillation (I just like saying titillation), joy to sorrow, excitement to dread. I always loved the teeter-totter, too. When I was a kid, I mean.
  9. I get to be immersed in a new romance, first dates, first kisses, and first sex. It's my job to kiss and tell!
  10. I get to be in charge! From a character's appearance to his actions. I am the unequivocal Queen of the Universe!
As much as writing jazzes me, it also takes it out of me. But in a good way, like jogging ten miles (now that IS funny). But sometimes my mind won't let it go, and I'll dream about something I can use in the story, which usually keeps me awake, staring at the ceiling. Usually a damn sex scene . . . Seriously.

34 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I am in a serious writer/blog funk! I need to take some cues from you!

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

So that's why I love to read your blog? Keep on going...nice to know what really goes through your head when writing...or what motivates.

Gaston Studio said...

Okay honey, it sounds like you need help with writing sex scenes if you're lying awake at night so I volunteer to help you. Just give me a call, anytime you're not sure how the scene should go and I'll pass along some personal experience...;-D

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Love the list!!

Hallie

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

You lay there and think about weenies?

DI
The Blue Ridge Gal

lisa said...

You're a great story teller. If you need help with some sex scenes, I'll dig into my bag of tricks and help you out.

midlifeslices said...

I have no imagination therefore I couldn't write a novel if my life depended on it. See, I even end sentences with preposition and I don't give a rats butt.

Can't wait to see you on the best sellers list and thrust my first edition copy at you for a signature. Really.

Vic said...

It's great to be able to create your own little universe. Especially one where everyone does what you want them to. ;)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

#2 is reason enough to write. How cool is that to be able to say all those things you know you shouldn't say so you don't. But now you can. Brilliant!

Leesa said...

Oh, I love this post. Makes one want to hole up in the house and type on the keyboard for hours with an idea and a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'll buy your book.

Tom Erdman said...

Reading your blog shows me how far I have to go. I'm glad I found it. Thanks. And, as the guy who has an erection for four hours says, "I'm not telling my doctor... I'm telling everyone (about you)."

The Jules said...

I'm going to be saying 'titillation' a lot today I reckon.

Justine said...

Are you published? 'Cause I'm like, a bookaholic!

Justine :o )

AirmanMom said...

You are blessed with a gift! Good for you, not only do you recognize this gift...you use it well!
I thank you for your words!
~AM

Anonymous said...

Well, this post brings to mind your story writings that I can trace clear back to first grade...when you would sit and write on your grandpa's big yellow legal tablets in his real estate office....one in particular I believe was about some natives in the jungle....where it was a three page story and not all of your words were spelled correctly, altho perfectly phonetically-spelled. This was what was so enjoyable to see....when we saw the words we knew immediately what they were and there was no doubt..we could read them clear as a bell and a perfect little storyline. You created stories way back then and we would just shake our heads at your imagination. Words have always been your passion, I guess and we have always enjoyed reading what you write. Mom

Jan said...

Alas, I have no gift for writing fiction, although I've been writing amusing little bits about life for many years - I always wanted to be Jean Kerr or Erma Bombeck or Teresa Bloomingdale. It's one of the reasons I loooooove blogging as much as I do.

I have a great deal of respect and admiration for folks like you, who are able to write from imagination. Have you ever published a novel? If so, where can I get my hands on it?

Butler and Bagman said...

I like all your reasons for writing as well. I used to think I was addicted to being a novelist but there was one reason that popped up that finally proved I was a really a writer of short pieces -- I'm too Attention Deficit Disordered and love digressions. So by Chapter 10, I'd forgotten whether the hero had blond hair or red hair. Too bad there isn't a market for lots of unrelated paragraphs.

Missy said...

You are correct! The best part is being in charge!

Jocelyn said...

Fingerbanging a keyboard speaks to me in 12 ways.

Oh, wait, I mean 10 ways.

(*counts fingers*)

david mcmahon said...

Follow that instinct. Keep writing. You do it so well.

♥ Braja said...

Wait...was that fiction?

:)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I crack myself up to. Is that weird? If so, it's so nice to know I'm not alone! : )

Anna Liffen said...

Love the list, and love writing too for all of those reasons..

Anna
x

morethananelectrician said...

I have too much funny stuff happen to me in the day to have to invent...but I do like making people laugh. You are a funny person and it shows here.

Gaston Studio said...

Please accept quest on my post today!!

Moi said...

I'll read anything with a good sex scene in it. I have to live vicariously somehow!!!


PS! I've moved: You can now find me at

www.chasing--happiness.blogspot.com

smiles4u said...

Oh goodness, you are too damn funny. Of course I would buy your book!

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

#2...........that's sooooo what I'm thinking in my head too fragrant liar. I wonder what would happen if we said it aloud??? An episode of "Cops" I suppose, lol.
Now THAT would really make my kiddo's proud wouldn't it. I work a low cut shirt thingy up to my daughter's office last time I was there and she just rolled her eyes. I'm going to see her tomorrow. I think I may possibly have something even more embarrassing in me wardrobe......
Hey, my turn to embarrass them I think :)
Loved this post!!

Steady On
Reggie Girl

nikkicrumpet said...

So in other words you get to screw with people's lives with no consequences...that totally rocks! I'm so jealous of your talent. I'm a rabid reader and I admire anyone who can write well. It is such a great gift. Everytime I pick up a good book it's like taking a mini vacation. And I am grateful to the people who write those wonderful stories that help me leave my world and get lost in someone elses for a short period of time.

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on POTD Contender!! You so deserve this and like David said, keep on writing, you do it so well.

Jane

Cheffie-Mom said...

Great post! Congrats on the Post of the Day Award!

Paige V. Baggett said...

Love the list and really relate to #2 and #5...glad I found you through David's POTD!

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