June 22, 2009

The Grosser Sex?

My dear friend Julie at Midlife Jobhunter has raised three boys. Based on our many long talks about our kids, she seems certain that boys must be the grosser sex. Though moms of boys may beg to differ, one thing I can state unequivocally about raising all girls is that they have within them the capacity to defy the "sugar and spice and everything nice" stereotype with off-the-charts grossness. But I had done a fine job of putting that out of my mind until one Saturday morning last August after my car wreck.

My ten-year-old nanaboy whom I affectionately call Doodle (to his great dismay, now that he's experiencing peripuberty), his brother Kabob (age 7), and their mom, my daughter "Scoots," went with me to Enterprise Rent-a-Car so I could switch out vehicles. While waiting our turn behind other customers at the counter, Scoots pointed out to Doodle that he needed to blow his nose. Immediately, he stuck his finger up there. Why blow when you can troll, I always say. Especially if there's a big fish in the pond. Scoots and I immediately recoiled when Doodle hooked something, hauled it out, and examined it. Little Kabob, lover of all manner of grossities, grinned with a newfound respect.

Mortified, Scoots searched the room for Kleenex and found none. She pointed a stiff arm toward the door. "Outside," she said in the take-no-prisoners mommy voice. "Go . . . do something with it."

I added, "There's a bush out there, go wipe it on the bush."

Scoots looked at me in horror. "Mom!"

I shrugged. I had yet to see anything, so I was handling it just fine. Doodle sauntered outside with one finger poised stiffly in the air, Kabob on his heels to see just how his big brother was going to dispose of this most intriguing catch of the day. After much ado, they returned with only a case of the giggles.

Crisis averted, Doodle located the water cooler, pulled out a paper cone, and filled it. As he took a sip, I heard Scoots and Kabob groan. They shielded their eyes and jerked away with full-on facial contortions. "What?" I said. Scoots and Kabob just pointed, unable to speak. Doodle was still giggling.

Scoots, writhing in her chair: "He shot snot into his cup!"

I took Doodle's cup from him and gazed intensely into the water. "I don't see anything."

"That's cuz he sucked it back up in his nose!" Scoots rasped in disbelief, followed by graphic description that made some woman at the counter wince. Doodle was beside himself with laughter.

This would seem to make my friend's case; however, let's look at history, shall we? When Scoots was in the fourth grade, she and her sisters cornered the nanny in our laundry room with HUGE green loogies on their fingers. With no escape route, Nanny Terri screamed and crumpled into a pile on the floor. After the little "snots" ran off, Terri did manage a recovery; however, she lashed them severely with her tongue. When I came in from work, Nanny Terri informed me in high-pitched Spanglish that she couldn't take it anymore and that my daughters were devil spawn (she actually said something unintelligible, but I have no doubt it translated to devil spawn).

My daughters, all lined up firing-squad style, explained to Nanny Terri that their loogies were not really loogies at all, but scoops of their moldy science experiment, fished from under the bed where it had languished for weeks. Nanny Terri refused to believe she'd nearly expired over fermented mold. Instead she delivered her walking papers and headed out the door, never to be heard from again.

I chuckled to myself as Scoots dragged Doodle into the bathroom to blow his nose once and for all. And I thought, You aren't fooling anybody, Miss Suddenly Grossed Out By Loogies. I know exactly where you came from.

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27 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I think you're on to something here! Girls are equally gross. We're just better at pretending we're precious and couth.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Ewwwww! That's gotta be a boy thing. I had all girls and I can't remember them doing anything like that!

Beth said...

Yup! Sounds like a gaggle of boys. I love having them but I never know what they are going to do. Usually there is some embarrassment involved for me.

phd in yogurtry said...

Now I understand why my grandfather used to insist my brothers carry a handkerchief!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

oh great! My 5 year old has just learnt the joys of farting and now I have boogers to look forward to!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Well. I am taking a brak from my lunch beside the computer for a bit.

My boy is grosser than my girl, but it might just be who they are.

Missy said...

Nope! Boys are a species of their own! They are gross!

otin said...

I used to wipe stuff on bushes, but now everyone shaves LOL!(I am so bad!)

Joanna Jenkins said...

Nasty- Definitely a boy thing! Thanks gawd I'm a girl ;-)

Shana said...

Kid stories are the best, no matter how gross

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

I had to skim this post... really was gagging me, but kids and snot do that to me.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Farmers Wife said...

Kids and snot go hand in hand! But my girls can get down and grubby too, it's all about being a kid!!

Bella said...

ha! what a great story! I laughed the whole way through!

blognut said...

I think my girls are way grosser than my boy. And, I can assure you, that takes some doing.

Michel said...

ewwweee! I hate body stuff!! I'm sooo glad I was nowhere near you guys because THAT would have made me barf!

Never did grow out of that. (hence, no kids)

Jason, as himself said...

Yuck. I think girls and boys are equally gross, just in their own disgusting ways!

But really, it must be very hard to figure out what to do with this yucky human body and all of the yucky things it does!

Pastor Sharon said...

I sat on the edge of my chair rolling, remembering my son and his friends when he was growing up. I never knew what they would do next. And as long as they were at home. However, it was those moments in the store that made me cringe even as they walked in the door....just knowing it was a matter of time.

lovelyprism said...

Oh this made me laugh out loud! My daughter never does anything gross but I have a 12 year old son. I know boogers and loogies and farts better than I ever thought I would. Oh and he's a baseball player so recently he decided spitting was oh-so-cool. Eventually they grow up, might as well find the fun or funny in it now.

Jocelyn said...

I'm sure you can only imagine my relief that this post didn't end up about "vagina gunk," which is what I feared initially.

All I can say is that I've lived the "just go wipe your booger on the bush" moment, too. That's why I come here: you remind me I'm not alone.

Oh, yea, and you kill me.

Rebel Mother said...

Oh how I laughed! So good its not just boys....

My boys are grosser than my daughter but I love them because they are gross!

You gotta laugh!

Great post RMxx

powdergirl said...

Huh, my sons are simply not into gross.
It might be because grossing out the mother leads to uncomfortable times within these walls.
Very uncomfortable times.

Debbie said...

I think grossness knows no bounds around kids. Or most adults!

midlife slices said...

Thank you. You have saved me the cost of my next newest fad diet as I believe I'll never be able to eat again after reading this post. Excuse me while I go gag. ugh....

Hit 40 said...

Unless you had kids...

you would think you make this shit up!!!

creative kerfuffle said...

wipe it on a bush! roflmao. omg. i have a boy and a girl and seriously? the girl can be way grosser than the boy. the hubs says he doesn't really worry about her getting a date because she's quite skilled at farting and burping, and quite proud of it.

Julie said...

I only had one boy and he was never gross, so I've got nothin here...

Chris H said...

Pffffft! Having raised 4 daughters and 4 sons (and still am damm it!)... I can testify that they are all GROSS. And they don't necessarily outgrow it either.
I get asked often which is 'better' or 'easier' to raise....girls or boys... and after giving it much consideration I can honestly say "NEITHER", they are all IKKKY.
Why, oh why .... do I have 8? I was too darn FERTILE! and I even got two without having to give birth! Pffffft.