June 18, 2009

Little Bastard

Okay, so facial hair. What's up with that? BTW, if you're a guy, this does not concern you; you are whisker jaded. Besides, women don't have facial hair! Now go clean your tool.

Are we alone? Ladies, I don't mind telling you that I appreciate facial whiskers like Frankenstein appreciates a good bonfire; like my cat Matilda appreciates a terrible-two-year-old with a flyswatter; like guys appreciate their Mr. Machismo being called Señor Chihuahua. Oh yes, that much.

This morning on my way to work, I'd stopped at a red light and noticed my visor mirror open. I proceeded through the light and reached up to flip it shut when the sun shined at just the right angle along my jawline, and there in my reflection, doing the poo-poo-heenu-heenu, was a silvery chin whisker with the length of a pube and the sheen of dental floss. I jerked in horror and swerved my car, nearly running a guy off the road. As he laid on his horn, flipped me the bird, and mouthed a litany of profanities through his window, I wondered, How in hell did I miss this sucker? Astronauts could see it from outer space.

Immediately I tried to rub, swirl, scrape, and otherwise pluck that sucker out with my bare fingers. Out! Out! Little bastard! To no avail. Without tweezers then, I was forced to huddle in my cubicle the entire day where no one could look at me and shiver in disgust.

Is it me, or was the Big Guy Upstairs hittin' the Tekillya a little too hard when he made us estrogenders? Think he was stumbling around up there in the clouds, giddy at how hysterical it would be if he planted a couple tufts along Evie's jawline? Time-released follicles engineered to sprout a little surprise just when we started to really appreciate our femininity? (And don't get me started on the incongruous female moustache.)

I guess he could have just been confused, right? Afterall, the BGU had never made a woman before. He surely had to be looking at his Miraculous Recipes book and debating over how much hair was too much and how much was just not enough. Let's give the girls just a smidge, right here. I could be wrong. I was wrong about something just last month.

You'll have to excuse me now. I'm marching into the bathroom to take matters into my own hands. Yup, I've got the Antidote. $4.95 and all sharp, shiny jaws of high-precision, slant-tip stainless steel.

Say hello to my leetle friend, Bastard ManWhisker!

P.S. I told my daughter I would not blog about the whiskers on her chin, cuz she doesn't want anybody to know, so I'm not going to tell you.

P.S.S. Boys, you can come back into the room now. Just put your tool away.

42 comments:

Lilly said...

OMG yes!!!!! And I always happen to notice when looking in the rear vision mirror too. Oh I dont know I so dont want to be an old whiskered lady. I always wonder if others can notice too. I guess thats why God makes us lose our eyesight at the same time he is gving us hair in all the wrong places. So what are the answers SOMEONE, ANYONE out there must have an answer to all this. "Time released follicles, oh gosh you make me laugh". Glad I am not alone.

Kristina P. said...

I have posted about my hairy neck wattle on a couple of occasions. It's truly frightening.

Chairman Bill said...

Next your bum will start to go flat and you'll get osteoporosis.

Chairman Bill said...

And WTF were you doing looking in a vanity mirror while driving? Bloody women!

Vic said...

I hate when that happens! At least it isn't just me.

My eleven year old son has one two inch hair that reappears on his cheek, same place, over and over.

It's not fair that he thinks it's cool.

@eloh said...

I breezed right through the "change" like I was on a resort vacation. None of "those" problems what-so-ever.

Then I got some eye glasses...WTF and how long had it been there?

I'm still doing pay back to those brat off spring of mine... they know better than to ask ME if they look okay before flappin' around in public.

Pop and Ice said...

I haven't had any long, stray hairs appear on my face, but I have noticed a fine white down on the sides of my face and a bit over the lip. It's not obnoxious to me, but I wonder if I should be waxing it off or because it's white and fine to just leave it alone. Anybody? Oh, and I'm a natural blond, in case that makes a difference.

Funny Girl said...

This is funny. I have one of those bastard hairs right in the middle of my neck and I have to let it grow in order to find and then pluck it. I try to pull it out with my fingers all the time....

AirmanMom said...

Growing old is not for wimps!
~AM

darsden said...

Ah Ha you were the one that almost got I didn't get the message yesterday while she was on her bike. oh know...! (lol a lil)

Anyway feel ya on that...did the intense light and everything check..side to side, up and down. Came home from my meeting..dammit WTF I spent an hour checking...it must have had some steriods while I was at lunch!

The need to seriously come up with sumpin better than the slow death a hair at a time..and $$$ for more pain inflections just can't do either!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Oh LORD. I will NOT handle this well if it ever happens to me. I have a friend who grows three (only three) coarse BLACK AS NIGHT chin hairs every few months. She looks like Jeff Goldblum from THE FLY. Totally freaks me out!!

Hallie :)

--V said...

Just reading this post is making me run my fingers along my face and jawline looking for little bastards. And I found one. And I have no tweezers. And? I'm at work. For nine more hours.

Crap.

Gaston Studio said...

I was in a tour bus when I discovered my first chin hair; was so shocked, all I could think of was getting to where I was going so I could grab my packed tweezers. I spent most of the ride with my hand up on my jawline, trying to hide it!

Love your take on those miserable little bastards but at my age, I've just gotten used to checking my jawline before doing anything else important, like brushing my teeth.

smiles4u said...

Oh dear. I'm off to look in the mirror right now!!!

Mental P Mama said...

Tweezerman. Don't leave home without him.

Jazz said...

Oh yeah. And the older you get the worse it gets honey. Hairs sprouting where they have no damn business being. Ugh.

Vanessa said...

YES! Exactly! They seem to come out of no where. I always notice them when I'm in the car too, so now I have an extra pair of tweezers in the center console. Darn relentless sunshine for drawing attention to these things!

blognut said...

Can I tell you that I actually keep tweezers in my car? Because there are no whiskers or errant hairs when you're home in the privacy of your own bathroom. They grow when you get into the car and flip up that visor mirror.

I believe that.

GingerJar said...

Well...I am forced to pluck chin hair about every 4-5 days. They are not many...4 or 5...but my son's nick-named the hated step-mother "Betty Goat" and I laughed (she literally has her own little goatee, and it is black to match her oh so feminine mushdash)...so no I get my punishment...black chin hairs on my chinny chin chin...

lovelyprism said...

LMAO @ bastard manwhisker! They grow in like 5 minutes and can only be seen in the sunshine! And for some odd reason they can only be seen from the vanity mirror in the car. At least we don't have hair growing out our ears like men.

Lorna said...

Just keep a tweezer at your bedside. You can use it while watching tv.


~Lorna

:-)

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I totally sympathize! No matter how much I pluck, I always seem to have missed a spot!!

Madame DeFarge said...

Yup, I found my first some years ago. Traumatic experience. Tweezers are a woman's best friend. Every three weeks or so.

Elena said...

little tiny binder clips work in a pinch.

Griz said...

I totally get them too! Pisses me off! I always feel weird when my better half sees me plucking them and asks what the eff i am doing. He can never know he married the bearded lady. never.

Hit 40 said...

Wow - I am late today!!!

My hubby is SUPPOSE to tell me of any stray hairs. But he is useless!!

powdergirl said...

I have not yet had the pleasure of sprouting a chin whisker.
Just one more thing to look forward to whilst straining at the gym, keeping my ass from warming the backs of my knees.

Andrea said...

Your visor mirror is not your friend. I have found one too many chin hairs and wrinkles while looking in that thing. It's disturbing!

Oz Girl said...

O.M.G. LMAO. Because this post is funny, yes, but it's also so saddeningly TRUE.

I hate when we miss something in the bathroom mirror, and then that danged ole car mirror always tells the truth better than the bathroom mirror ever could. The sun's rays can be downright vicious when it comes to our mid-life faces. Grrrrr.....

My gramma, who's 92, had decided that I was the granddaughter who could pluck the hairs off her chin. I was lucky and deserving to be the one chosen. This usually happened at a family dinner at my mom's house... yes, my gramma would bring her tweezers with her. So while everyone else was smirking and trying not to laugh, I had to keep a straight face and do the dreaded chore. My mom did ask her "why can't you have the girls at the beauty shop do this for you?!)

Thank god I moved to Kansas (she's in Ohio)... maybe she asks my mom now (and it's her mother-in-law, not mother, LMAO...)

suziart said...

Hysterical! I love your blog! New fan.
My thing is gray hair, I understand it in my scalp. I turned 50 on 5/25.
BUT...My brother who is 4 yrs. older than me has not one gray hair on his head. Not fair I say! But, the worst day was when I saw my first gray hair in my eyebrow! Now I even color my eyebrows when I touch up my roots. UGH.

zelzee said...

I have learned to never look in the lighted visor mirror when the sun is shining on your face!!

Never........

Sarah Lulu said...

OMGGGGGGGGG I'm dying laughing and crying.

Yes yes.

I found one a few months ago as I was looking in a shop window...something about the reflection ...alerted me.

I could NOT believe I could have missed it.

I rushed into a chemist and bought tweezers immediately!

drollgirl said...

shit. sadly i relate to this. i have funky hairs growing on my neck. it is awful. and i sit in traffic and try to pluck them without looking -- just trying to randomly find them. it is quite a project.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Been there, done that, feel your pain. @#$%^% whiskers!

Shania said...

The vanity mirror in the car is the portal to hell. Do not look into it for it shows us unspeakable things. How else do you explain looking into 17 other mirrors and seeing no hairs and then looking into that one and there's one six inches long all of a sudden? There's nooo rational explanation. (why no, I don't feel strongly about this at all, why?)

Suzy said...

The only thing worse than dressing room mirrors are the lights that last for 3 years and are in a swirley curlie Q and only hit the chin hair when you're at your most vulnerable.

Which is every second of every day.

Tom Erdman said...

As a bald guy, I share your pain. Only mine is at the top of the head. After accepting a lifetime of a shiney dome, and keeping it cropped tightly, up sprouts a single strand of hair, sort of like Alfalfa in old age.

Midlife Mama said...

*sigh* Alas, I have the same problem. Those stupid pesky chin hairs. At least I don't have a mole on my chin with one growing out of them. That would be worse. Then small children would point and scream and think I was a witch. But you know what? Guys have hair start growing out their ears and noses. I think I'd rather have the stray chin hair to pluck now and again! :)

Fragrant Liar said...

Even when you think you've got them all, one littel bastard ALWAYS pops up, waving, as if to say, "Missed me, you missed me! Now you gotta kiss me!"

Er, isn't that how it goes? Elementary school was so long ago, I can't remember. If only we'd written down our playground rhymes with the popular writing implements of the time -- etched into stone tablets . . .

Pastor Sharon said...

Jesus, Mary and Joseph...but especially Joseph! I plucked my first little "B" not too long ago and it made me so angry. . .how could I have a chin whisker? That's when I realized the world was coming to an end. I mean seriously, why else would something that gross, grow on MY chin!

creative kerfuffle said...

holy hell i have them too. the hubs pointed this out to me last summer, as we were riding in the car. then i started plucking. i have also discovered that overnight i can grow a two inch long hair right out of my bicep! wtf??? how did i miss a 2 inch long hair???

disa said...

成人漫畫,成人文學,成人遊戲,成人電影,成人論壇,成人,做愛,aio,情色小說,ut聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080視訊聊天室,免費視訊聊天,哈啦聊天室,視訊聊天,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,6k聊天室,視訊聊天室,成人聊天室,中部人聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,視訊美女,視訊做愛,正妹牆,美女交友,玩美女人,美女,美女寫真,美女遊戲,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,微風論壇,微風,伊莉,伊莉討論區,伊莉論壇,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,plus,痴漢論壇,維克斯論壇,情色論壇,性愛,性感影片,校園正妹牆,正妹,AV,AV女優,SEX,走光,a片,a片免費看,A漫,h漫,成人漫畫,免費A片,色情網站,色情遊戲,情色文學,麗的色遊戲,色情,色情影片,同志色教館,色色網,色遊戲,自拍,本土自拍,kk俱樂部,後宮電影院,後宮電影,85cc免費影城,85cc免費影片