June 1, 2009

Do You See Me?

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my bad hair day, this happened:

Miss America asked me to cut her bangs. I'm real handy with the sharp instruments, and I'd make a fabulous hairdresser if only I could control the need to stab finicky customers like me. She said, "I need my bangs cut so the boys won't notice me."

My first thought: This girl cannot be related to me. Of course, the "boys" are her older cousins, so I guess it's okay. "Boys always try to trick me," she explained.

I hesitated to refute that statement, as she has learned one of the fundamental boy/girl conundrums. And you guys wonder why you can't figure us out? We females learn long before puberty to disguise our honorable intentions so we don't get caught up in your evil game of trickery. Are you writing this down?

I pressed for more info. "What does that have to do with your hair?"

She shrugged. "If they can't see me, they won't trick me."

Aaaaahhhhh, here lies the raw pearl. She wants to change her look so the boys don't recognize her and therefore press all her buttons. Her logic makes perfect sense because we females are so attached to our hair and the belief that it defines us in some way. Why else would nice, amiable women threaten to do bodily harm to their hairdressers when they yack and snip a little too much (or a lot too much); over- or under-process our color; or otherwise pay no freakin' attention whatsoever to what we asked for in the first freakin' place? Where's that C-4 when you need it? Or in the interest of world peace, a recyclable paper bag for your head?

Perhaps my hair obsession means I could use a good intervention (or therapy). But the room would no doubt be filled with men or deeply spiritual people who know shit from shallow when they see it. But tell me if you don't agree with this, girlies: the cut, the color, and the style can create a mood that's reflected in our actions. When our hair looks good, we feel good -- inside and out.

Don't you know, researchers say men report having more and better sex when their women come home happy from the beauty parlor? You don't? Okay, I just made that up, but I'll bet $5 that's true. I can assure you, I'm more likely to do the deed if I feel sexy, and great hair plays a role in that -- maybe too big a role, but we're not here to discuss my neuroses.

Miss America wants to feel different. Not only different, but better, more liked instead of picked on. I get it. It's not reality, but too often it feels like reality. And sometimes you just want to try out a new look and hope the world thinks you are as awesome as you feel. Then you don't mind so much if they can see you.

24 comments:

Farmers Wife said...

You are speaking my language here. I am also hair obsessed and adore the trip to the hairdressers, much to my husbands confusion. When I walk out with my hair looking fabulous, I feel great inside and out. It's amazing. BTW your girl is gorgeousxx

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I'm right there with you, sister. Wars could be lost or won based on a good or bad haircut.

Pop and Ice said...

You win the $5. I got my hair *cut* last night aka finally fixed after 18 weeks of torment and had mad sex that didn't injure me, for once.

By the way, Miss America is such a cutie! Don't hide from the boys MA - go kick their asses !

Jan said...

*sigh*

And here I am, with a Brillo pad on my head.

*sigh again*

Gaston Studio said...

Miss America just takes my breath away, she's so adorable!

Hair. I hesitate to comment because of the rant I left on your post "I got shagged" but I will say, I never like how the hairdresser styles my hair, always come home and do it over. Maybe I didn't see it the way they did.

creative kerfuffle said...

miss america is wise beyond her years and cute as a button to boot! lol
one thing about hair that really pisses me off is when you get it done and you think it looks great and you feel good about it and not a damn person in your household says boo about it!

diane said...

Give Miss America a stun gun and send her out to play with those tricky boys.

Julie said...

I got mine cut even shorter this past weekend. Actually the front is still the same length, but I had her shorten the back up to give the side view that "sling" effect. Loves it. Just think, a month ago I had 6" more than I do now!

Can I just tell you that little girl has to be one of THE MOST BEAUTIFUL children I have ever seen? She is just gorgeous. I agree with Diane, hand her a stun gun and send her on her way to kick some ass.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Good hair is a REAL issue. But my gripe? On the day I am headed to the salon to get it cut cuz I am ready to rip it all off, is the day my husband tells me my hair looks amazing!!

Hallie

darsden said...

LOL out of the mouths of babes...great and funny!

Anna Russell said...

I completely agree. I have a wild mass of curls and only feel properly hot and sexy when they've been straightened. I have a friend who refused to leave the house for 3 days (including going to work) because she got a bad haircut.

Kristina P. said...

She's so funny! She's like an entirely different person!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Ok, I will take out the pink rubber band and brush my hair before Bob gets home from work. Geez!

writinggb said...

Funny how these things go... I was just bloggin on my site about my dog's bad hair day. SHE understands you!

Andrew Scott Turner said...

Adorable!

(and soooo much trouble for you)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

When I have great hair I'm instantly incredibly horny and insatiable. I thought it was just me ....

Justine said...

It's true though, when your hair looks good, you feel like you look good even if you've got no makeup on and are dressed in rags.
So, did you cut her bangs?

Justine :o )

blognut said...

I think I love it when you make up statistics. Plus? I believe you're absolutely right.

♥ Braja said...

I think you should be Chief Statistics Director for the Universe. No really....

Lorna said...

Well of course hair makes a difference. Style makes a difference. Lots of hair. Glossy hair. I now have longish hair but I remember a decade or so ago when I got a professional short style. My boyfriend (who became my husband) LOVED IT. And: I felt more intelligent with shorter hair. I know that there is someone out there who will split a hair and say that short hair cannot affect intelligence bla bla bla, but I felt more intelligent.

A lot of women hide behind their hair. Then they get it cut and style and seem to come out of their shells/cocoons.

You want to really do harm to a girl? While she is sleeping, go cut her hair off in ways that she cannot have it made into a style.

Yes yes and yes, hair and hair styles and hair color and hair texture and hair glossiness and sweet smellingness...... all of that is important. She who disagrees is either a stunning, gorgeous woman with a lovely face and a perfect body, or a big fat loser liar who cannot come to grips with the fact that there is also a lot of competition when it comes to hair.


~Lorna

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I see you're still smarting from your hairy experience at the salon!!
Ms America is just the cutest lil' thang!! (said in my Indian accent!)

Butler and Bagman said...

I have always been oblivious. When we first got married, I'd come home and my wife would become increasingly irritable and finally accuse me, "You didn't even notice I got my hair done!" So after awhile, I decided to work on it so one morning, I saw she had a hair appointment on the calendar. So that evening, prepared, I walked in and immediately exclaimed, "I love what you did with your hair!"
She gave me a long icy look and said, "I cancelled my appointment."

nikkicrumpet said...

You're right...I always feel frisky after a day at the salon. My husband wouldn't if he ever found out what it costs!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I just spent $58 at the beauty supply on hair products so I'm realllly hoping the whole "if your hair looks better you feel better" thing works. Very funny post! Thanks.