Do You See Me?

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my bad hair day, this happened:

Miss America asked me to cut her bangs. I'm real handy with the sharp instruments, and I'd make a fabulous hairdresser if only I could control the need to stab finicky customers like me. She said, "I need my bangs cut so the boys won't notice me."

My first thought: This girl cannot be related to me. Of course, the "boys" are her older cousins, so I guess it's okay. "Boys always try to trick me," she explained.

I hesitated to refute that statement, as she has learned one of the fundamental boy/girl conundrums. And you guys wonder why you can't figure us out? We females learn long before puberty to disguise our honorable intentions so we don't get caught up in your evil game of trickery. Are you writing this down?

I pressed for more info. "What does that have to do with your hair?"

She shrugged. "If they can't see me, they won't trick me."

Aaaaahhhhh, here lies the raw pearl. She wants to change her look so the boys don't recognize her and therefore press all her buttons. Her logic makes perfect sense because we females are so attached to our hair and the belief that it defines us in some way. Why else would nice, amiable women threaten to do bodily harm to their hairdressers when they yack and snip a little too much (or a lot too much); over- or under-process our color; or otherwise pay no freakin' attention whatsoever to what we asked for in the first freakin' place? Where's that C-4 when you need it? Or in the interest of world peace, a recyclable paper bag for your head?

Perhaps my hair obsession means I could use a good intervention (or therapy). But the room would no doubt be filled with men or deeply spiritual people who know shit from shallow when they see it. But tell me if you don't agree with this, girlies: the cut, the color, and the style can create a mood that's reflected in our actions. When our hair looks good, we feel good -- inside and out.

Don't you know, researchers say men report having more and better sex when their women come home happy from the beauty parlor? You don't? Okay, I just made that up, but I'll bet $5 that's true. I can assure you, I'm more likely to do the deed if I feel sexy, and great hair plays a role in that -- maybe too big a role, but we're not here to discuss my neuroses.

Miss America wants to feel different. Not only different, but better, more liked instead of picked on. I get it. It's not reality, but too often it feels like reality. And sometimes you just want to try out a new look and hope the world thinks you are as awesome as you feel. Then you don't mind so much if they can see you.

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