March 9, 2009


D-I-E-T. It's a four-letter word that really sticks in my craw. Craw? A four-letter word that . . . leaves my mind blank. Hold on while I look that up.

And, we're back. Craw, a four-letter word that means: To cause one to feel abiding discontent and resentment. Also, the stomach of an animal. Which brings us right back to D-I-E-T, and the news flash that I am indeed an incredibly smart chick, just as I always told my exes, my bosses, and my children.

Okay, so I admit to putting on a few pounds or 20 since I passed 45. I had spent my entire life up to that point as a walking stick -- occasionally as a walking stick with a developing fig somewhere in the middle. My metabolism must have been at warp speed because I could not put on weight. I once resorted to drinking the supplement Nutrament in attempt to gain a few pounds so people would quit asking if I had an eating disorder. Then as soon as I quit drinking all the nutritious crappaliciousness, any gains went into the losses column. I felt I was too skinny to wear anything sleeveless, lest my gangly arms attract unwanted attention, and same thing with the bird legs. Shorts made me self-conscious. Up until I hit 45 I never knew what a diet was, nor did I know how to exist on one. Totally undisciplined about what I put in my mouth, I was a diet virgin.

Yeah, yeah, you say. That fuckingskinnybitchwhoredogskankyslutabumpkus. But I had no control over the genes my folks gave me. And this oughtta make you feel better: those days are gone. My metabolism has betrayed me. It has slo-o-owed to a slug's pace.

I now have to watch what I ingest. I don't like to say that I DIET, though, because that implies restriction and deprivation. As a long-time instant-gratification bitch, when I am denied something I want, the rebel in me starts huffing and puffing and foraging for Heath bars, chips and salsa, or peanut butter cookies and ice-cold milk. As a result, I'm fighting an alarming muffin top.

I've had success with eating the right foods for weight loss, especially when I'm active; and I like the broad range of menu items I have to choose from (low carb, high veggies and protein – and no freakin' sugar!). It's just that my willpower is tenuous.

Oh, somebody brought in a cake? Where's my slice? Make sure I get extra frosting. Lunch at Olive Garden? Count me in! Can you spell lasagnamanicottirotini? And pass that garlic bread, will ya? Eye-talian cream cake? My FAVE!!

So how do you stay with it? What keeps you motivated (besides the bad news that bikini weather is only a couple months off)? I absolutely love to eat. How do I just say NO to sticking more stuff in my craw?


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I get on the scale EVERY MORNING. It keeps me focused. Of course I strip totally naked first and pee hard so that I'm not carrying any extra anything!!

Hallie :)

Anonymous said...

What keeps me motivated to lose weight???

ROFLMAO - you're joking, right??

*wipes eyes* Oh, honey - you're just too funny sometimes...

Julie D said...

OMG, I Wii Fit'd yesterday and had gained 4.9 lbs since the last time I was on it a few months ago. The f*cker actually makes a groaning noise when I step on it. Whoever wrote that software programming needs shot. LOL

Kristina P. said...

Stoip by my blog! You have a chance to win cupcakes to help you along your goals.

Anonymous said...

I gave up a long time ago, and I just go with the flow (and no swim suits).

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

F**K a's that, lol
You're beautiful just the way you are fragrant liar.....please don't go changin :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I don't know but when you figure it out, please share the info. Still fighting the battle! Grrr.

Debra Lynn Lazar said...

I'm with Wonderful World (of WEINERS???!!!) I weigh myself every morning in the buff. If I stray more than a couple of pounds, I stay the hell out of the kitchen and skip my Starbuck's grande' soy chai tea latte with a slice of banana nut loaf. Also, no restaurants that night. (True Confessions: I go out to eat almost every night... oopsie!) I used to be the same way, I could eat anything I wanted. Yup. Those days are history. DAMN!!!!

Anonymous said...

I was the skinny bitch at the table too until I hit age 50. Muffin top goin' on here too. I know one thing for sure.. this sitting at the computer blogging on my ass is sure not the answer to the word D.I.E.T.

The Blue Ridge Gal

foxy said...

Stupid diets suck my butt. I hate them, hate them, hate them. My naked body in the mirror usually keeps me motivated... but that thought goes straight out the window when I'm fully clothed and an invitation to get Mexican food comes up!

In all honesty though, I've begun sharing a weight log with a girlfriend. We 'weigh in' every Wednesday - which is usually enough time to be better after a weekend of debauchery.

Shania said...

As my little wii fit mii will tell you, I don't say no.


Cheri said...

D-I-E-T that is a 4 letter "dirty" word. My muffin top came before 50 slowly rising (like yeast) for the past 25 years. Yeah, those 3 kids came and done me in and the bod hasn't been the same.

I am actually doing my middle a favor, by not dieting, it would be shell shocked to discover that there is an inseam to my pants. LOL All this while I whirl away hours on the computer and drinking my second cappuccino.

When you find out the secret to a scrumptious (dare I say the word) D_I_E_T and jump start the metabolism, please share. I have 20-25 Lbs. to lose to get back to "before kids" weight.

Lori said...

I am dealing with the exact same thing since middle age hit...ugh. So, when you figure it out PLEASE let me know!

Anonymous said...

Grrrrr . . . the wii fit bitch . . . I am looking forward to hearing the secret answer

Anonymous said...

motivation? when i was very heavy (60lbs heavier than i am today), i wasn't able to do all the stuff i wanted to do - hike, bike and play outside. that got it started...

lately? ummm... gorgeous boy toy, who seems to like me ok as is, but i'd rather have a bod to match his!

Frank said...

Did you think that it was an accident that the word diet contains the word DIE??? There is a lady at work that had surgery and now she can’t eat more than 3 ounces per meal. Every time I eat over 3 ounces, I feel guilty. Try alternating cardio and weight training. But PLEASE don’t be one of those women that think they have to be a skeleton. A guy needs something to grab. : )

Midlife Roadtripper said...

"Yeah, yeah, you say. That fuckingskinnybitchwhoredogskankyslutabumpkus"

That was exactly what I was thinking!

Unknown said...

I sure as hell doesn't mean we're going to give up El Merado for lunch.

Bikinis are over rated. Seriously. They have some very nice suits with skirts. It's time.

Anna Russell said...

I'm usually fairly happy with my weight, but if I lose even a little bit, I look too skinny. I never do it on purpose, and like you were, I'm not happy with it, but for some reason people think it's ok to tell a person they look too skinny. You would never tell someone they look to fat!

Sorry, rant over.

Anyway, judging by your pic, I think you're gorgeous as you are, and if you want a treat, you should have a treat.
I swear, guilt adds calories.
If you're really worried about it though, a general rule of thumb is you can be bad 20% of the time, as long as you're good for the other 80%.
Another thing is to set aside a "treat day". So say, Sunday, you eat whatever you want but stick to your diet the rest of the week in the knowledge that you can have cake on Sunday.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Eating every 4 hours, because once the hunger comes, the mind is very convincing when it wants something. I keep an apple and nuts in my purse for when I forget to eat.

You had a few good decades though! Welcome to my world.

Fragrant Liar said...

Good suggestions to help keep me from overeating, y'all.

As FoxyGal says, Stupid diets suck my butt.

Still, I'm going to get a Wii Fit. I heard that is a lot of fun, and I'm all about the fun -- THAT keeps me motivated because I don't look at it as exercise then. I think EXERCISE is a dirtier word sometimes than DIET.

Kristina P: You are evil!
Frankie: I LIKE a little meat on me bones.
Midlife Jobhunter: I knew you were thinking exactly that! But I know you meant it in the most loving way. :)
Breathe: Ain't no diet restrictive enough, ain't no waistband loose enough, to keep me away from you . . . and Fridays at El Mercado!

The rest of you: (Sigh) I am hopeless.

bernthis said...

Keeping the carb intake low is what makes me stay thin. OH and exercise, lots of it. One hint: No bread BEFORE dinner, it will increase your appetite believe it or not. My sis works in an obesity clinic and she gave me that tip.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I have a little something for you over at my place.

Amy said...

Fighting with your muffin top?! I'm engaged in full on warfare with mine. My belly button hasn't seen the light of day for the past two years.

My only motivation is not being fat, and even that comes and goes depending on the day.

My husband snores and I just got finished reading an article about how losing sleep actually makes you gain weight.

I KNEW I'd find a way to pin this on a man!

P.S. Good luck. If you're anything like me, you're gonna need it. Luck and maybe your mouth wired shut.

Beth said...

Like some others, I weigh myself every day. My husband is a chef/caterer and often cooks some rich foods (although he has gotten more health conscious lately). Since I've married him, I've had to work harder than ever to keep weight off (some times I do better than other times).

And I jog/walk three to five mornings a week (seriously, I get up at 4:30 a.m. just so I can get some track time).

I may not be winning the weight war, but I'll go down fighting!

P.S. It probably helps that I busy as hell at work and I'm doing good to eat a protein bar for lunch. It is at home that I struggle.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I usually know when it's time to watch it. My muffin top inevitably becomes muffin toppling.
Not pretty.

Anonymous said...

Hi, stumbled upon your blog right into the DIET thing. I used to do ballet dancing, was thin as a stick as long as I can remember, now I am in pre-menopause and had to add - very quickly actually - new words to my vocabulary: law of gravity and weight loss. Had to completely change my eating habbit and work out every day for 20 min at home. However alone the thought of food settles on my hips. Guess I have to learn to love me as I am now. Paula

nikkicrumpet said...

I'd tell you my secret...but since I weigh 300 lbs I don't think I have one!

Wunderwoman said...

When you find out let me know pronto....I hate the damn muffin top but have NO motivation.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

"I'm fighting an alarming muffin top."

BAH-ha-ha! My disgusting gut is hanging over my pants as I type this.

Like you, I was always very skinny. I could eat whatever I wanted, and I still do, unfortunately. And like you, I can't pass up the bagels and cakes people bring into the office. I think if someone put heroin in front of me, I'd be like, "Sure, why not?" Not the picture of willpower.

Damn that metabolism! I've never lost weight in my life. It's been a slow climb; I've put on 10 pounds in the past 5 years. At this rate, if I live to be 100, they'll have to bury me in a piano case.

Fragrant Liar said...

See? There are lots of formerly skinny bitches out there! I don't feel so bad anymore. In fact, I'm going to celebrate and recline until the urge to get up and exercise passes me by. don't wait for me now. This is going to take some time.

Anonymous said...

I don't and I have the padding to prove it. I was a diet virgin until about 48 and then my metabolism gave up and started being a slug and I'm paying the price for it's laziness. Ugh.....I hate getting