March 19, 2009

I Got Shagged!

Three years ago, I got adventurous. X-tremely so. I cut my hair. Yes, for me, cutting off my beloved long mane was akin to ice climbing, bungee jumping, or cliff diving. What? You didn't know haircuts were considered an X-treme sport? You have never lived with a vain woman whose hair is always trying to define her, much as she resists. But the day came when I got tired of messing with long hair and had it whacked off, a la Lisa Rinna. Talk about an adrenaline rush.

When I saw my reflection in the mirror, I was shocked and awed. And not in a good way. That was not me, not the vision I had in mind. I sobbed a bit. I looked better in long hair. Never really got used to short hair, but I did accept it and learned to enjoy the quick ease of styling it.

Then nine months ago, I decided to grow it out again. Having made great progress since, I went yesterday for more highlights and a trim at the salon. After the foiling session, I said, "While it's growing out, I want to wear Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give." That's a cute medium style, and look, she got Keanu Reeves with it, didn't she? My hairdresser said she knew this style, acknowledged that I wanted to keep the length, and set to snipping.

"I'm going to give it some layers," she said.

Okay, it probably needs a tad more layering to achieve the desired DK effect. Meanwhile, my mind wandered. I had to mail off pictures for my ex, go to the store, meet WriterGrrls at Central Market, and then maybe take myself on a date to see James Tiberius Kirk and Dr. Spock. When I looked back in the mirror at the reflection of all the razor cutting, a large question mark appeared in my frontal lobe. But I couldn't tell what she was doing in the back, so I held my tongue. Far be it from me to tell her how to do her job, right? Then she blow-dried it and proceeded to flat-iron the tips out at around ear level.

"You don't like that?" she said.

I worked hard at keeping my emotions in check. In a panic, I nearly shouted, "I don't like that AT ALL! I don't think we're on the same style page here."

She quickly changed tactics and smoothed down the flippity-dos. Then she whirled my chair around and gave me the hand mirror to see the back. She'd given the top half of my hair choppy layers and left the bottom six inches alone to keep the length, which gave it that nightmarish mullet look. It would be kind of me to describe it as Fugly. Worse, a lot of my hard-earned hair growth surrounded me on the floor. I wanted to cry.

She said astutely, "I think you're not happy with it."

What was your first clue? My uncontrollable sobs? The jerky I-think-I'm-gonna-barf face? Or your missing scissors that I now have aimed at your gut? If she'd had balls, I'd have already squeezed them inside my hand.

"No," I said. "But I don't know how to tell you to fix it."

I wanted to make it all go away and run for the exit. But she'd be damned if I was going to leave her shop unhappy. She pushed me back in the chair and snipped at the bottom half. Of course, that did not help much. My hair had many choppy layers, front and back. After that stunt, I was totally exhausted.

People, I have been shagged. I look like a blonde David Cassidy. If I had a working camera, I'd let you see the real thing. Does this even resemble Diane Keaton's style? I think the difference qualifies as X-treme. Makes me want to push my hairdresser off a cliff.

43 comments:

steppinthru said...

OMGsh! There is nothing worse than a bad haircut. I could say all the things that friends say like "it'll grow out" and" it's not as bad as you think" but I remember all too well some of mine and all I can say is "have a cold one on me".

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Hairdressers can be such a nightmare. It's one of the reasons I hate moving so much... just when you find a good one, whoops, Hubby up and moves us again.. Gosh I hate that.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

daisyfae said...

aaaaaaaaaaargh! shagged?!?!? demand a free human-hair wig (them babies run several hundred dollars). and drink. heavily...

SweetPeaSurry said...

Oh my sweetie. That's HORRIBLE!!! I have had the same stylist since I was sixteen. She KNOWS my hair, she knows what I want, how I want it and how to make it look full and amazing. There is nothing worse than a stylist that just starts snipping away. I FEEL for you in the most insane way right now.

I have some advice, drink wine, lots and lots of wine. And maybe consider hair extensions, or a wig. I'm sure you'll primp though and figure out a way to make it look super cute. We women are BUILT to withstand adversity my sistah!!! GIRL POWER! And more power to the girls with wine!

blessings!

Jan said...

I certainly hope you didn't PAY for it.

Fragrant Liar said...

Geez, most all my advice is to get drunk. Maybe I should, because I DID PAY for it. !!

Suzy said...

I feel ya kiddo. I just don't look good in short hair. Except for the time I weighed 99 pounds and had a bleached out pixie. Layers make my straight hair look HUGE. WTF? I go go Super Cuts because they acxtually listen to you because they have no other clients.

lisa said...

What you see and what your stylist sees are always two different visions. I can only sympathize with you. Hair is very personal. On the bright side and I know it's no consolation, it will grow back. Hang in there.

blognut said...

Awww. I'm sorry! It WILL grow back. I promise it will. Unless, of course, you expose yourself to some weird gamma ray that stops your hair from growing. So don't do that. 'k?

Karyn - (French Charming) said...

Gosh Darn Hair Buther's!! I've always had long hair and I'm at that age where I think I need to make a change, my once lustrous tresses that were my crowning glory have now become about as alluring as tumbleweed...sigh! Hang in there and if you want we'll go down to her salon tie her up and give her a make-over Fragrant Liar style...you just let me know!

Pearl said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you don't like it! I'm vain about my hair -- which is why I've gone to the same gal for five years now.
You need to get us a picture. I'll bet you look great.
Pearl

Pop and Ice said...

I've been working with a new do for the last 3 haircuts (every six weeks with color) and it's just not working. Everytime I think I have it fixed and I can style it the way I like it, it won't work that next five times.

I have had my stylist for the past 17 years and I love her to death, but she can make my hair do things that I cannot. So when I go in tomorrow for my color and cut, we will once again try to get the layers closer together and back to where it was, even if it was the most boring cut of the century.

Also, check out my follow-up comment at The Blue Ridge Gal regarding Replacements.

Glad to read you!

Wunderwoman said...

I feel your pain, as I have had some really bad hair experiences. Would love to see a picture, I bet your hair is cute any way you wear it!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Ms. F. Liar,

Don't you know how good you look whatever your hairstyle? I mean really. There are just some people who look good all the time -- and you are one of them. Don't forget that.

phd in yogurtry said...

My heart rate is right up there with you. My number one "attractive" feature, that I can manipulate, is my hair. If I was given no other beauty product to take with me to my high school reunion, say, I'd take a blow dryer and large styling brush. Make up be damned. Must have good hair. So, all this to say, I feel your pain.

Fortunately, this wasn't a nose job, you know?

Twenty Four At Heart said...

The SHAG! OMG - I forgot it existed. I had a shag in ... um, gawd I don't remember. Elementary school maybe? You've made me nostalgic now. Maybe I should go get a shag too! Or then again ... maybe not?

KiKi said...

Died reading this!! Having cut my hair super short for the first time and in the process of growing it out now, I could totally feel your pain!

bernthis said...

I once had a guy literally burn my hair after giving me a perm. When i complained he literally said to me, "Well what do you want ME to do about it?"

lovelyprism said...

I feel your pain. I recently got an absolutely terrible haircut and lost alot of the hair I Was growing out. I wrote about it too. It's not so much vanity as a comfort factor for us women, when we look good we FEEL good.

♥ Braja said...

I'm going to swear. Cover your eyes. I fucking hate hairdressers who CANNOT DO AS THEY'RE TOLD.

♥ Braja said...

And I'm laughing at Suzy's comment....so true. GO SUPER CUTS!!

The Dental Maven said...

Why do all hairdressers think they know better?? Time to get a new one.

Andrea said...

I still get an upset stomach when I get a haircut. I'll never forget walking out of a salon with a Rod Stewart-David Bowie combo spike job. My standard line now when I sit down in the chair is "just a trim." The only good thing about you getting shagged is that it'll grow, eventually. I feel for you!

nursemyra said...

you've got a lot of people feeling your pain babe. Just put some pink and blue streaks through it and drink a case of vodka. Call me in two weeks.

Gaston Studio said...

I TOTALLY feel your pain! I've had my luxurious locks butchered by bad hairdressers a couple of times and cried my eyes out over it. This is why I talk to a hairdresser at length and show pics to make sure we understand each other and I never take my eyes off the mirror!

And do NOT talk to me. Pay attention to my hair; it's my damn hair so give it your full attention because that's what I'm paying you for, not to learn the latest gossip.

Throughout my long life, I've always had a head full of what hairdressers call 'the best hair ever' and yet, at times, I've cut it short only to hate the way it looked. Just don't do short hair well at all and don't even try to tell me that women 'of a certain age' is supposed to have short hair!

Sorry for the rant; hair is a sore subject with me, especially if it's mine but I can see now we're supposed to be talking about YOUR hair!

creative kerfuffle said...

holy crap! why, why why is it so freaking hard to find a good hair person? i get lulled into liking one and then i look in the mirror and think, dammit, did they drug me while i was there? how the hell could i think they did a good job?
it sucks when you don't like what they've done to you, even if everyone else says it looks good (truthfully or not) but, thankfully it does grow back. doesn't help while you're waiting, but, you can always wear a baseball cap : ) and drink.

Belle said...

Commiserations. I've had some nightmares in my time as well. What about a wig or extensions. I know that is extreme, but so was the haircut by the sound of things....

Anna Russell said...

Best blog post title ever!

Honey, I'm sure it's way nicer than you think.

Michel said...

I am SOOO SORRY! I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I had to get my hair trimmed after I got back from Iraq b/c it was all ruined form the cholorine in the water -- josh still calls it "the day," and demands to have advanced warning if I intend to get my hair trimmed so he can leave town.

I am so very sorry! Only consolation is that you WILL figure out how to fix it so that you look adorable again (and you probalby already do, but are still in shock).

What you should NOT do for at least 2 weeks, is go somewhere else to get it cut. Let it grow out a little and let yourself come to terms with what you have and see if you can work with it. Cutting it more (and I am speaking from experience here) only makes it worse!!!

ModernMom said...

Oh! How about asking for some extensions??

(I'm sure it's not as bad as you think)

morethananelectrician said...

This is why hair is so cool for us guys. If we don't like it...we can just cut it all off...life is easy.

Beth said...

This is the reason why I cut my own hair for over 15 years. I finally have a good hairdresser and I totally trust her with my hair (which is a curly mess).

Vic said...

David Cassidy was a sex symbol!! Work that Wessonality baby!

(Sorry.....I have a similar hair horror story from my past, but if I think about it too long, I get mad.)

Debbie said...

The only comforting thing is that hair does grow out! I love the Lisa Rinna look. I rocked that myself for several years. I bet you look much better than you are telling us.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I spent the 70's either pixied or shagged. Then again, I didn't have the gorgeous hair your picture shows you to have. I hope you find a way to style it that you like.

Pop and Ice said...

I think I just got my *do* fixed today. I'll have to see after I style it and perhaps I'll be able to take a new photo and use it instead of the one my kids' say scares their friends. Well, they should be scared. I plan to look just as stern - just with shorter locks.

diane said...

God, that's awful! If you look anything at all like Florence Henderson, I'd kill that b*tch.
Hang in there honey, it will grow out and look sexy, you'll see.

Fragrant Liar said...

Now that I've washed my hair a few times I've found that curling it will cover up a lot of what I don't like. The problem is that I have to spend a whole lot more time curling my hair than I ever wanted to. That SUCKS!! The back left side of my head looks okay, but the right is really choppy. And there's the thin, mullet-style that is my bottom layer. THIN. Shit.

Julie said...

I. Want. Pictures.

foxy said...

Dude. Was it our no-longer-the-favorite hairdresser? She's never done poorly cutting my hair, but one time (looooong ago) Jason came home with a serious bowl cut. It seriously looked like she put a bowl on his head and buzzed around the edge. So not kidding. He's never used her since... he always uses the gay guy in the shop now.

Sorry girl. I do know how a bad cut can f*ck with your mood. I'm sure you're still BEAutiful though... :)

Rebel Mother said...

When I first read the title - I really laughed (I thought you had been naughty!) but this is ghastly!!!!!!!

And a flipping Mullet on top of it!!!!!

I really feel for you - dreadful. What a witch of a hairdresser......can you sue her for malpractise??

I'm thinking hats, er...scarves - perhaps some kind of fashionable look to cover it up for a bit? Can you mess about with it, style it differently?

Thinking of you RMxxx

atexasgirl said...

You did NOT look bad at the WG lunch on Saturday. You didn't look like Diane Keaton, either.

Kourtney at Visible Changes in Barton Creek Mall is magic. I can grow her cuts out for months. She can do anything and fix anything, and she always listens to what you want. Tell her I sent you.

-Robin

Phil Schitz here said...

You look terrific with long or short hair!

I'd like to know how the heck I ended up on this blog, but I'm glad I did! It was fun!