WTF Wednesday: Gassed

Florida is raising quite the stink. Since November, two boys have been identified by the authorities as gas-passing disrupters. To wit:

NOVEMBER 21 -- A 12-year-old Florida student was arrested earlier this month after he "deliberately passed gas to disrupt the class," according to police. A Martin County Sheriff's Office report . . . notes that the 4' 11" offender admitted that he "continually disrupted his classroom environment by breaking wind and shutting off several computers."

Then there was this:

LAKELAND, Fla. (AP) -- An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. Polk County school officials said there's no rule against flatulence, but there are rules against causing a disturbance on the bus. The teen said he wasn't the one passing gas.

Looks like the police are fart knockers, and your young fart blossoms are no longer allowed to break wind, at least not at school. Probably would have been okay, if the boys had just yelled, "Ducks!" first, so everyone would know it was coming and take cover. Of course, boys can't help this fascination with their own sphincters. It's a learned behavior, after all. As toddlers they stumbled to Daddy for the reward of pulling his finger and hearing the windows rumble from the roar of his personal Howitzer.

Still, we want kids to be safe from the noxious fumes and borborygmus noise pollution that accompanies the breaking of kid-wind. People, we've passed clean air legislation, but it's not enough. Before Congress retires, we ought to make Toot Reform our number one priority. We'll call it the No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act.

We’ll start in our public schools, for where is there a greater need to teach our children that when they smell an SBD or hear a ripped blast, they need to "plop, flop, and coil" into the fetal position, noses buried in their cupped little hands? Some experts suggest that kids should stop, drop, and army crawl out of the room, but the ensuing stampede and mass hysteria would only cause needless injuries and even deaths – plus everybody knows that the stench follows you wherever you go and so will the little gas bag who dealt it.

As a patriot, I will request the No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act be included in a colonic stimulus package worth one billion dollars in veto-proof porkmarks. The No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act will ensure that all teachers maintain order among their student body in the event of cataclysmic cheese. Let's put the Kindergarten teachers to work first. Vodka Mom, you in? The funding will ensure that every classroom in America has a fart extinguisher and that all children participate in fart escape drills and learn asphyxiation coping skills that will last a lifetime.

Or we could simply separate the boys from the girls, so that girls could be spared the testosterone immersion and hazing that goes along with this most egregious of male-bonding activities. Boys pride themselves inexplicably on their intestines being locked and loaded like a submachine gun with a hairpin trigger and blowback action.

I'm so glad I have daughters, because girls don't fart.
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