March 24, 2009

WTF Wednesday: Gassed

Florida is raising quite the stink. Since November, two boys have been identified by the authorities as gas-passing disrupters. To wit:

NOVEMBER 21 -- A 12-year-old Florida student was arrested earlier this month after he "deliberately passed gas to disrupt the class," according to police. A Martin County Sheriff's Office report . . . notes that the 4' 11" offender admitted that he "continually disrupted his classroom environment by breaking wind and shutting off several computers."
Then there was this:

LAKELAND, Fla. (AP) -- An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. Polk County school officials said there's no rule against flatulence, but there are rules against causing a disturbance on the bus. The teen said he wasn't the one passing gas.
Looks like the police are fart knockers, and your young fart blossoms are no longer allowed to break wind, at least not at school. Probably would have been okay, if the boys had just yelled, "Ducks!" first, so everyone would know it was coming and take cover. Of course, boys can't help this fascination with their own sphincters. It's a learned behavior, after all. As toddlers they stumbled to Daddy for the reward of pulling his finger and hearing the windows rumble from the roar of his personal Howitzer.

Still, we want kids to be safe from the noxious fumes and borborygmus noise pollution that accompanies the breaking of kid-wind. People, we've passed clean air legislation, but it's not enough. Before Congress retires, we ought to make Toot Reform our number one priority. We'll call it the No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act.

We’ll start in our public schools, for where is there a greater need to teach our children that when they smell an SBD or hear a ripped blast, they need to "plop, flop, and coil" into the fetal position, noses buried in their cupped little hands? Some experts suggest that kids should stop, drop, and army crawl out of the room, but the ensuing stampede and mass hysteria would only cause needless injuries and even deaths – plus everybody knows that the stench follows you wherever you go and so will the little gas bag who dealt it.

As a patriot, I will request the No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act be included in a colonic stimulus package worth one billion dollars in veto-proof porkmarks. The No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act will ensure that all teachers maintain order among their student body in the event of cataclysmic cheese. Let's put the Kindergarten teachers to work first. Vodka Mom, you in? The funding will ensure that every classroom in America has a fart extinguisher and that all children participate in fart escape drills and learn asphyxiation coping skills that will last a lifetime.

Or we could simply separate the boys from the girls, so that girls could be spared the testosterone immersion and hazing that goes along with this most egregious of male-bonding activities. Boys pride themselves inexplicably on their intestines being locked and loaded like a submachine gun with a hairpin trigger and blowback action.

I'm so glad I have daughters, because girls don't fart.
Don't forget to sign up to follow my blog in the right column. Instead of wind, I'm trying to break 100!


Michel said...

Thank God our law enforcement is focusing on the key issues facing our nation.

I would also like to thank you for enlightening me to this trend. I never knew that you could MAKE yourself fart - Burp yes, but I believed that farting on command was just an urban legend.

Lori said...

OMG this is too funny! I love the idea of your new plan for attacking this problem.

Vic said...

This is hilarious!. But wait....did the boy in the first news clip shut off the computers WITH his farts? Because that's amazing, and so cool.

I would personally help you draft this legislation as a way to help our nanny state take complete control over all bodily function.
Next up: Disruptive Sweating.

Anonymous said...

Nope... we girls don't fart...... we fluff.


Anonymous said...

Maybe they should stop serving cabbage in the lunch room!!!!!

Roshni said...

You really crack me up!! What a great post!
I just added myself to your list.. sorry I didn't do this earlier!

Anonymous said...

Hmm...i have an adult female client who thinks there is nothing funnier than fart or burp humour *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Priorities are soooooo important.

Vodka Mom said...

omg ARE you KIDDING?? My whole class would be arrested!!!


and my own children!!

Nancy said...

*GASP* Boys? Farting? No-way!

Indeed, girls don't fart ... they "poof".

Belle said...

God. My sons would be permanently incarcerated!

Unknown said...

How funny! Hate the on demand farting and burping thing and wouldn't allow my only son the pleasure. Wonder if it put him in therapy?

Anonymous said...

No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act??? ROFLMAO - how the hell do you come up with this stuff??

Thank goodness it's only for children, or both Beloved and I would be in the slammer for life.

Unknown said...

I knew it wasn't far behind. First Homeland Security. Now, the Fart Police. Now, instead of a breathalyzer, they'll have a machine that measures the stink in the room, and it will help identify the offender.

Next, they'll have a no farting in public buildings. And it will be a federal offense. Can you imagine the wing of the prison that houses these offenders??? Whew. The guards will have to wear gas masks!

Sometimes you wonder what these people are thinking. LOL

Anna Russell said...

This made me laugh so hard. I'm also glad I'm a girl - boys are smelly.

Pseudo said...

You're so funny.

Justine said...

OMG, this was just too damn funny. Although I already knew of the fart stories, you just took them to a whole new level!
And yes, girls do fart. I call my two girls "gas bags" among other things.

Justine :o )

lisahgolden said...

Well that explains Garbo's nasty act as soon as she reaches home. She can hold in the bad air all day at school, during the bus ride home and whenever she attends a party. The minute she gets home, she explodes. Or rather, as my MIL used to say, she lets out air.

But it's true - she never farts. Ever.

Amy said...

My four year old will very adamantly tell her daddy that "Mommy doesn't fart!" when he tries to blame me for his toxic emissions.

What is that? That difference between boys and girls? That thing that makes it perfectly acceptable and even funny for boys to fart in public?! As a girl, I will reach the point of self-implosion and risk death before passing gas around another human.

Just another thing about the difference between the sexes I'll just never understand.

Fragrant Liar said...

Michel: Boys save up and wait until it's convenient for them to knock you over with a fart.
Smiles4u: Farts 'r' us.
Vic: Shutting off computers with his farts? I have smelled some farts that could probably do that, so why not??
Di: Fl-l-l-l-u-u-u-uf-f-f-f-f-f-f. 'scuse me.
Electrician: It's the damn cafeteria lady. You know she has it out for the boys.
Roshni: So glad you'll be following.
Thistle: Sad to say, I think FART is the funniest word in the dicitonary. Wait, is it in the dictionary?
MLS: That's right. We bad. We mind our Ps and Qs.
Vodka Mom: My whole house would be in jail 24/7 if this arresting development keeps up.
Nancy: P-p-p-p-p-p-p-oof! 'scuse me.
Belle: So is that a bad thing?
Gaston: I think farting may be a defense mechanism, and if they don't fart, their heads will explode.
Jan: I dunno. I guess it's all up here (points to head) in my butt.
Midlife Mama: That's exactly right. We get a maximum security Penitentiary Unit (P.U.) going, and all guards would be assigned gas masks for daily wear.
Anna: Boys are the penultimate smelly creatures. So why do we like them so much?
Justine: I'm not admitting to anything!
Lisa: The holding-it-in thing is what makes women so bitchy, I think. We should loosen up, huh? :)
Amy: Unfortunately, not one of my daughters will tell people their mother doesn't fart. They have some thing against lying. I don't know what...

Captain Dumbass said...

Guess the boys and I aren't moving to Florida.

Stacy Hackenberg said...

I love the idea of a No Child is Bereft Due to His Behind Act! Wish I'd thought of it. I just have to wonder what these people are thinking. If being obnoxious is a criminal offense then there are soooo many people that should be in jail. The list boggles the mind.

And what about dog farts? My dog can clear a room. None of us can compete with the absolute stinkiness of his SBDs.

Jocelyn said...

Well then I'm clearly not a girl.

I'm trying to think of the mandatory testing that would be part of NCIBDtHBA. It would require "filling in the bubbles," right?

Unknown said...

My husbands absolutely needs to read this...

Unknown said...

I've always said "Boys are gross".

Slyde said...

so he farted so badly he shut the computers off?

nikkicrumpet said...

I just read your comment on your "aunt John" and was laughing hysterically. Then I come over here and read this post and I think I pulled my laugh muscle...I'm not going to be able to giggle for weeks without extreme pain. But it was worth it!!!!

Fragrant Liar said...

Cap'n Dumbass: Better steer clear of the sunshine state.
TrueBlue Texan: Dog stinkers could quite possibly be worse than kid stinkers. P.U.
Jocelyn: At this moment, I can only contemplate bubbles from kids in a bathtub, but I'm not sure that's where you were going with that.
Breathe: How many husbands you got???
Danica Lynn: I'm with you. Boy! P.U.
Slyde: Yeah! Awesome, right?
Nikki: I'm so glad I made you laugh. You make me laugh all the time. :)

GingerJar said...

How funny. Girls don't fart? Really? The first time I ever "fluffed" in front of my new hubby I was in bed...sound asleep...and woke up and sat straight up screaming...OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He laughed so hard he almost fell out of the bed. Now...the sleep induced relaxation...he just tucks the cover very tightly around me...and keeps spray handy. Apparently a "girl" can hold it in all day...but night-time is another matter altogether.