March 19, 2009

Deal Breakers

After my "drinks" date the other night, where the guy was so wrong for me, I had to wonder why I hadn't had him fill out an application first, I decided I need to prescreen better. No matter how attractive a guy is, no matter how well people talk him up, he may be totally incompatible with you. So I figured I could at least define the deal breakers for myself, right? Those things that make my head spin and my body squirm for the door. So here they are in no particular order:

  1. Do you smoke? Anything? (Yeah, yeah, I know. "If you're smoking, you need to slow down."
  2. Have you ever been to Cabela's? If so, how many times a week do you return, and are you able to get out in less than two hours? Without deer corn or ammunition?
  3. Do you think Charlton Heston was a better actor as Moses or president of the NRA?
  4. Do you ever put just a pinch between your cheek and gums, -- and talk funny? And do you spit the muddy goo into your empty soda bottle -- or just any old place -- while other people watch?
  5. Are you legally married or otherwise engaged to any female anywhere on the planet? Take your time . . . Okay, but you do like boobs and vaginas only, right?
  6. Are cats on your endangered species list? If your nose and eyes itch and run and your throat feels like it's closing up or that you might die, would you be mad if I just gave you a pill and told you to man up?
  7. Have you forgotten or would you like to forget the names and addresses of the people who got jiggy with it to conceive you?
  8. Do you have offspring of your own that you don't actually spend time with or who don't like you very much?
  9. Are you a fan of What Not to Wear? Okay, let me ask that a different way. Do you ever throw on camo or stained and torn t-shirts when you go out in public? Deliberately?
  10. How close is your association with the word bitch? What about the C word -- you know, cunnilingus?
  11. Couch potato or jumping bean?
  12. How well do you know your way around a kitchen? Do you own an apron with a stuffed, but flaccid, hidden penis?
  13. Do you think kissing is underrated? Are you able to prove your hypothesis?
  14. Do you know what these words mean? Nyet. Non. Nein. Nay. Uh-uh. When hell freezes over. Not no, but hell no! Need any help with translations?
  15. What is your political idealogy? Please use only primary colors.
  16. How many times have you broken the law? Did you get caught, and do they still have your fingerprints?
  17. Would your exes call you honest, respectful, kind, trustworthy, loyal, faithful, affectionate, playful? Or Dick?
  18. Do you stay up till the wee hours of the night just to watch the Girls Gone Wild commercials and imagine the coeds without those little black rectangles over their nipples and fuzzboxes? Tell the truth . . .
  19. What's your credit score? It's not under 800, is it? Um, okay then, let's try another one. What is the status of your retirement account? I'm sorry, did you just laugh and say, Retire this!?
  20. And the most important question of all: Are you able to drop it like it's hot and swing me around on the dance floor, like a fiery hot latin lover who only has eyes for me? Bonus Points for this one!!
I think I have my priorities straight. Don't you? Now I just have to figure out a way to sneak these into the first conversation.

.

42 comments:

Kristina P. said...

So, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to answer these. Do you love Cabela's and the NRA? You do seem like a shotgun rack on the back of the truck kind of gal.

Fragrant Liar said...

Oops, sorry Kristina P. I guess you saw my draft before it was ready for public viewing. Blogger sometimes does that. And no, I'm not a Cabela's-NRA-shotgun rack kind of girl. I do like trucks though. Big ones. ;)

Frank said...

Does Smart Ass count as playful??? Where do we mail the blood test??? I think you’ve either had too much alcohol tonight, or not enough. Based upon the fact that the words are spelled correctly… I’m thinking not enough; not nearly enough!!! : )

Fragrant Liar said...

Smart ass counts as playful. In fact I give fifty bonus points for smart ass. Now what's your blood type, Frank? If it's Vino positive, you're in!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Your deal breaker list cracks me up. I wish I would have thought to add to mine before I got marries, "Are you willing to read in bed (or a book at all ever) or will you always have some crap TV show on?"

The Gnu said...

how about you say, flirtatiously of course, ;)
"how bout we play twenty questions?" then as long as you giggled you could probably even use the same wording! lol. unless you want to put on the list, 'can't be taken in by someone who giggles.' lol

Beth said...

I'm with Pseudo on the books. And the other deal breaker... Are you able to close cabinet doors and drawers? All the way?

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Your list looks perfect to me.... just hope I never lose Hubby and have to use the list. Searching for the right man is such a pain in the patootie.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Sarah Lulu said...

Hahaha I'm laughing so much I'm crying.
It's too late now ....but my tomorrow
(Saturday) ...I will figure out my deal breakers.

I had to google cabelas ...anybody who wants to shoot bambi is completely out of the question!

Leslie Hanna said...

I agree - the list is perfect, with, of course, the added reading-in-bed part. Man, oh man, and I wonder why I'll never find the right guy! LOL!

smiles4u said...

Too funny! Great list of deal breakers. I am sure I have some to add to the list but my brain is not fully functioning yet this morning so if I do think of any I will come back and leave some with you!

Nancy said...

OH.My.God.

We are swimming in the same dating pool!

ROFLMAO ... I am SO printing this out!

nothingfancy1 said...

Funny stuff!

Dude's gotta have a job. A "real" job.
And own a home.
And hasn't lived with his mother since he was 23 years old.
And he has to like football. Cuz I'm watching every Sunday and Monday with or without him.

Gaston Studio said...

For me, I'd have to add:
1. Are you prone to talk while someone else is reading?
2. When is the last time you were tested for std and what was the result?

padontstandforpaloalto said...

This is absolutely hilarious, but it does remind me why I am still with the BF. It's like buying someone else's used car. At least I know what I'm dealing with here.LOL.

Comedy Goddess said...

You got all my deal breakers, and then some! Good going girl!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

That must have been some date.

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

OMG, these were GREAT!!!! I think you should print out a form, and before the first date have them fill it out and have it notarized.

Justine :o )

daisyfae said...

fairly comprehensive list - i will work the "Cabela's" question into pre-date conversation. A good one won't know what it is...

my deal breakers? start with Back Hair and Missing Teeth. i am working the ohio dating pool... they get more complicated from there, but that is number one and two on my list.

Divine Chaos said...

deal breakers? well .. they gotta have good teeth ... gotta. They have to be faithful too .. Have. To. That is not negotiable ... unless chasing them out of the house with a butcher knife after throwing all their belongings out in the street would be considered negotiations.

morethananelectrician said...

This is a tough list...

They take the black rectangles off the boobs and "boxes" at night? I am stayin' up late tonight!!!!!!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Maybe you just need a human screener. Like I'll show up first and if he isn't for you, you can buy me dinner.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Great list.

Go get 'em, killer.

midlifeslices said...

I see so many of my former boyfriends in this list. Uhm, they would have been amongst the group that did NOT pass this test. Ugh

Micky said...

Fragrant Liar said...
Mickey, What the fuck???

Dear Fragrant Liar,
Repent!

It's Micky, not Mickey!

Midlife Mama said...

ROFL Oh those were great. Oh I'd like to add,

1. Will you pout like a big baby if I'm too tired to have sex with you five times a day?

2. Do you even know where the garbage goes, let alone when to take it out? And when it stinks so bad you can smell it a block away? It's time.

3. Do you have your certificate of completion for the course, "No, the dishes don't fly out of the dishwasher and put themselves away," and the follow up course "No, the dirty ones won't fly into the empty dishwasher, either."

Ohhhh I could go on. And on.

Thanks for the laugh today. :)

Julie said...

Good morning! Just checking in and getting caught up on my blog reading! Happy Saturday!

OMG I have too many of them to list. I can rule out a man for saying "collyflower" rather than cauliflower. Yes, I'm that shallow.

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh y'all added some good ones to my list. I'll have to post the additions at a later date. Thanks for the fodder!

I can also nix a guy who says "supposably" and "irregardless" and "nukyoular." :)

And I forgot one very important one about putting the toilet seat down. How could I forget THAT one??

Sorry I got your name wrong, Micky. Your comment reminded me of another deal breaker that's right at the very top of my list:

"If you try to make me feel guilty about the way I live my life, according to a 1,700-year-old book, I will boot your ass so fast you won't see it coming."

Oh yeah, that is a good one. So thanks for that!

nikkicrumpet said...

I think you just print that up as a form letter and make them fill it out and fax it to you before they pick you up for a date. For me it wasn't so much the "dont's" as it was the "do's" Does he make me laugh, Is he smarter than me, Is he kind to his mom, does he love animals, and does he have a job that he's kept for more than 7 years. At least that was a place to start.

Fragrant Liar said...

Nikki, you are right. I will have to make a Deal Maker list. I'm not sure it would have, "Is he smarter than me" on it. But he would definitely have to be smart. :)

Stepping Thru said...

Great List! You are definetly on the right track.

HumorSmith said...

Well thanks for the clarification. It's very comforting to know I will die alone and unloved because I don't have a huge amount saved for retirement.

Jocelyn said...

The thing is, you're all funny and jokey here, but REALLY, men need to be asked this stuff. This may be goofy, but it's what you really need to know to do any good vetting.

Please, ask the next guy. If he's worth his salt, he'll howl.

ladyfi said...

Too funny! Now.. can do you slip these into normal conversation on the first date?

French Fancy said...

Excellent choice of questions and would save a lot of wasted time sitting trying to communicate with someone for whom your bell does not toll

Fragrant Liar said...

Yes, I must figure out how to insert these questions into the conversation. Maybe I will have to memorize them. Ack! My memory is shot, so I'll just sit him down and go down the list, and see if he howls!

Humor Smith, I have thought it through, and I confess that the retirement question is more of a deal "maker." These days, it's hard to find anybody with decent retirement -- and credit!

LegalMist said...

Awesome list! And right on!!

DebraLSchubert said...

Love this post! I've been married for like forever, but if I were out there looking I'd have to add "Have you ever worn womens underwear?" If "yes" this might not be an automatic rejection. Instead, a follow-up question would be in order. "Were they your mom's?" "Yes" Rejection!

Jan said...

Gee, my only requirements are "Do you walk upright and have opposable thumbs?"

Don't laugh - you'd be amazed at how many men don't qualify.

Fragrant Liar said...

Don't you think most men, at one time or other, have sneaked on the women's undies? If only for a joke? :))

Jan, that's funny. And you're probably right!

Cynthia said...

I promise to Sweet Little Eight-Pound-Six-Ounce Baby Jesus that this is true:
My most recent EX about himSELF!!!:
"I'm a Good Catch!"
mmmmmhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm
And the fact that you have to tell me this sets off ALL kinds of alarm bells and whistles and red flags and DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
"Oh! SO SORRY! You are NOT the winner tonight. Awwwwww! Maybe next time! Bye-bye now, Sweetums!"
(Check out my blog ---- I wrote a poem about it!) :^) ;^) ;^0

Ginger said...

I read your Deal Makers list first and LOVED it! So I figured I'd check this one out, too. Guess what I just realized? You dated my ex-husband, didn't you?