March 30, 2009

Think I'm Paranoid?

Three years ago, they found me in Florida, but I escaped with my life -- barely, by the thinnest margin, by that pesky man-whisker on my chin. I drove a thousand miles away, covering my tracks in Weird Old Waterloo, the Texan Liberal Mecca, the Eclectic Oasis Live! I knew it was only a matter of time, though, before they'd catch up to me, back me into a corner, push me to the edge. It wasn't gonna be pretty. I swore I'd never go quietly, never give them the satisfaction. If I had to steal away another thousand miles, I'd do it.

Do I sound paranoid? Maybe I am, but don't ever forget this: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

On the run these last few years, I've gone through many changes, from dying my hair super blonde and chopping it short and sassy, to donning thick-rimmed, gem-studded reading glasses, to eating gargantuan organic produce (good for intimidating the man in your life), to downing chewable tropical-flavor fiber tabs, and to throwing back a stemglass-a-day of sweet burgundy Shiraz.

So many changes, so much effort, and for what? All to harbor a secret, to avoid a destiny that will not be denied. Now I'm E.T., hiding in the closet, scheming my next move, unsure why my stalkers continue their dogged pursuit. But this much I do know: there are few places left to hide, for they are relentless, and sooner or later they will find me. Their reach and mite are too powerful, their tentacles too hard-sucking. They will bullwhip you out of your blissfully unaware reverie. And by then you get it: the end is far nearer than you could have imagined.

Today I caught sight of their messenger outside my house, their sinister harbinger of mortality. It was too late to make a run for it. I hid in the shadows, but their calling card was already waiting for me. As I held it in my quivering hand with sweat dripping down my temples, fear and dread in my heart, I raised my fist, looked up to the sky, and shouted, "Damn you, AARP! Damn you to hell!"
.

36 comments:

Vic said...

You are WAY to young for AARP. I plan to be forever too young for AARP.

(I almost thought you were running from the law here! That was great!!)

morethananelectrician said...

A Peter Falk reference automatically qualifies you for AARP. Go with the Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) quote, which is nearly identical, to appear a little younger...

daisyfae said...

AARP, bill collectors and university alumni associations. Relentless. Maybe we should put them on the trail of Osama bin Laden?

Fragrant Liar said...

Vic: Why, yes I am too young! It's why I'm still on the run!

Morethananelectrician: That was so rude. Um, you are right, I guess. Bastard Electrician . . . ;)

Daisyfae: bin Laden's an old codger, isn't he? Hey, AARP, go after that long-bearded asswipe guy. He could use a discount on his auto insurance, I'll bet.

Kristina P. said...

Really? You look about 20 years too young for that crap.

smiles4u said...

Well...maybe a little bit paranoid...lol...if you need a place to hide you can come here to Minnesota. I don't think they will look for you here with this stupid snow and cold.

Jill said...

You had me going there for a bit.. lol!
AARP.. I'd move! LOL!

SweetPeaSurry said...

LOL ... oh no ... not AARP!!! I'm devastated for you!!!

Blessings!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Girl, you are hilarious.

Amy said...

Few things are ever sure in this life, but these three things are certanties. No. 1: Your AARP card WILL come in the mail. Don't fight it. You'll get cheap pancakes. No. 2: You will die. Unless I have this whole birth, life, death thing figured wrong...it's inevitable. No. 3: No matter where you live and how many couches you hide behind with the lights turned off, Mormon missionaries WILL find you.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Whew! You had me really tensed there thinking you were wanted or being stalked! C'mon! You're too young for that AARP crap!

Sarah Lulu said...

I wondered what you were running from ...I thought perhaps it was like an American western movie ...
and then I had to google AARP to see what it was!
We do not have anything similiar here in Australia.

You can have a seniors card but I think you have to be over 65 ....I will be staying 64.

Beth said...

I've been getting AARP mail since I was in high school. They are so twisted!

AirmanMom said...

I'm still running from AARP, and I am too darn old to run!
~AM

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

OMG! ROFLMAO!!!! I had NO CLUE where this post was leading!!! Heeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Justine :o )

Leslie Hanna said...

Very funny post! I thought maybe you were going to tell us it was Columbia House Records. Man, those people can find you if you move AND change your name!

I have been getting AARP mail since I was in my 20's. No, really! Wanna know why? I was an associate member of AAA on my Dad's card, and when I went out on my own and got my own card, the AAA guy thought it would be funny to do a Date Check in the system. He put my Dad's "member since" year on my application to see if The System could figure out that the year was earlier than my birthday. It did not, so I was a AAA member before I was even born, and that year had me turn '50' when I was still in my 20's. I have suffered through 30 years of AARP mail. Now that I actually do qualify, I just laugh and throw it away.

Cheap pancakes, huh? Maybe I should read that mail the next time.

Jan said...

ROFLMAO - somehow I knew AARP was going to be at the end of this diatribe.

Yes, they are insidious. Beloved claims we will NEVER join, but of course, he hasn't discovered how cheaply he can get into the movies or the Senior Plate at the local diner yet, either.

Gaston Studio said...

I was sure you were in the Witness Protection Program for a while there. ROFLMAO! Hey, even my cat got an invitation to join AARP and he died two years ago!

Julie said...

Pssst. C'mere girl. I have one word for you.

Ponytail.

A tight one. It pulls the wrinkles out of your face and throws 'em off.

Shhhhh...I'm rockin the side pony today, it really confuses them....

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

There's simply no way our postal service can be reduced to 5 days instead of 6. With all that AARP mail they require an extra day just to deliver all that wasted paper!

They found me this year... CRAP! Time to move again...

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Midlife Mama said...

You can run, but you can't hide. AARP finds you, no matter where you live. Ahhhhhhhhh!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

That was fun. Did not see that end coming.

Gran said...

I just had to keep reading...and you are so right! AARP sends me monthly letters, all of which I file in the recycling bin :)

midlifeslices said...

I knew what was coming, but only because I think you posted this on your other blog. It's just as funny now as it was then. Damn AARP!!

Slyde said...

i concur with vic... i think you are safe from AARP for a bit longer..

Stepping Thru said...

I rand from them, I threw away their literature and finally gave up. Now I just enjoy their discounts. Some things you just can't fight.

Stepping Thru said...

I didn't "rand" from them - I "ran" from them! OMGsh.

Andrea said...

Damn - you had me on the edge of my seat! I was thinking "witness protection" or "IRS." But wait, it was AARP - that's just as bad! I know, they stalk my mailbox continually.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

At what age do they find you?? Because they haven't found me yet and I'm thinking I might still have time to run before they do??

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, AARP has been after me for years. I understand that they hit you up for membership once you're closing in on the big 5-0. You all know I'm still 29, so I don't know why they are so persistent. I would, however, like to get some discounts on my meals over at the Cracker Barrel. Maybe I should rethink this whole "senior citizen" thing.

Jocelyn said...

And here I thought it was going to be M & M's that had found you.

nikkicrumpet said...

HAHAHAHAH too freaking funny! I have so much fun when my hubby gets his honorary temporary card in the mail...and then he tears it up with disgust! My time is coming...but in the meantime...mocking him is soooo much fun!

LegalMist said...

Excellent suspenseful post, with a ROTFL ending! hahahahahahahaha ... thanks for the day brightener!

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